Another year is on the record books, and with it another couple dozen Ask Dr. Nerdlove columns. Such love, loss, and heartbreak! So much bad sex, so many toxic partners and jealous exes! It was a lot to unravel.
Iâve really enjoyed editing Harris OâMalley over the last few years, mostly because I get to post terrible Shutterstock photos along with headlines like âAsk Dr. NerdLove: My Guy Jerks Off A Lot. Like, A LOT.â It is also continually illuminating to read the advice Harris gives to his various letter writers, and rewarding to see him hear back from people who took his advice and improved their circumstances.
Below, find all of the Ask Dr. Nerdlove columns we published in 2016, starting in January and going through to this very week. Weâve still technically got one more to go in 2016, so keep an eye out for that as the New Year draws near.
Take it away, Harris:
Ask Dr. NerdLove: My Girlfriendâs Twitch Fame Is Ruining Our Relationship
That having been said, the problem isnât that thereâre all these guys who want to bang your girlfriend, AWF. The problem is you. Youâre jealous of these other guys whoâre suddenly in her life. See, the fact that other folks wanna sleep with your sweetie doesnât mean that suddenly your competition has increased and now your relationship is in danger. The fact that other people might want something doesnât mean sweet fuck-all if she doesnât want to sleep with them. The problem is that you donât seem to trust her or your relationship and that is relationship poison.
Ask Dr. NerdLove: Iâm Good At Tinder, But Bad At âRealâ Dating
I think the biggest problem youâre having isnât your emotional development but in the fact that you look down on yourself. I think you have a hard time believing in the possibility of people being attracted to you and dismiss their signs and indicators of interest. I think you also put a lot of pressure on yourself to get a result, which is a great way to induce some serious performance anxiety. You get entirely too caught up in your own head and end up being stiff and awkward and making other people feel uncomfortable.
Ask Dr. NerdLove: My Friendâs Beautiful Wife Just Made A Move On Me
First: when someone tells you that theyâre trouble - not in that âJames Deanâ way or the âBad-Girl-With-A-Heart-of-Gold-Who-Mostly-Just-Smokes-Weed-On-Occasion-And-Listens-To-Emilie-Autumn-And-The-Birthday-Massacreâ kind of way - believe them. Your crush has laid out, in point-by-point fashion, just whatâs likely to happen when the two of you date. Sheâs not asking for someone to save her from herself, sheâs trying to let you know that in all likelihood, she will cheat on you if you ask for a monogamous commitment from her.
Ask Dr. NerdLove: My Girlfriend Wonât Stop Cheating On Me With Her Ex
OK, man. I want you to recognize that this is coming from a place of concern and with the understanding that youâre cockstruck for her. But with that being said:WHY IN PLUPERFECT HELL ARE YOU STILL EVEN ASKING ME THIS QUESTION??It was bad enough when she was just cheating on you and rubbing your face in it. But as soon as threats were made? You shouldâve been out of there like all of Hell and half of Hoboken was after you.
Ask Dr. NerdLove: The Women I Date Only See My Disability
Sexual satisfaction and sexual compatibility are a critical part of a relationship, and itâs something that we rarely talk about when it comes to relationship health and maintenance. In fact, sexual satisfaction is incredibly important⌠right up until it isnât. Itâs very hard to complain about sexual dissatisfaction in a relationship without running into the buzzsaw of social judgement, particularly when thereâs an issue of libido mismatches. If you complain that youâre not getting as much sex as you want, then the cultural narrative tends to be that itâs your fault somehow. Youâre not doing enough housework, not making your partner feel special or loved enough or some other issue and the only thing to do is suck it up and deal.
Ask Dr. NerdLove: Should I Leave My FiancĂŠe For My Crush?
Iâm also not entirely thrilled with the fact that K decided to finally tell you how she felt after you got engaged. If K had written in to ask about whether to tell her newly engaged crush how she felt, Iâd tell her to back off. I know movies and pop-culture tell us that everythingâs forgiven in the name of True Lurve, but itâs incredibly selfish and unfair to sit on those feelings only to drop them on somebody when theyâve committed to somebody else. Itâs not just about the two of you now; thereâs also that third person in the mix. Now Kâs just dragged H into your mix and everythingâs fucked up.
Ask Dr. NerdLove: Am I Wasting My 20s With Her?
Of course, Itâs almost a cliche that guys (and increasingly women, although the social opprobrium and slut-shaming still exists) are supposed to fuck around before getting âlocked downâ with one person. But not everyone wants tons of sex partners, nor does not having had them mean youâre âmissing outâ. The thing about sex is that it gets better with practice and with trust. Some strange gets that novelty, but the more trust and intimacy you have with a partner, the more you both get out of it because you have the foundation you need to really explore. As a wise man once said: âI hear the second time around, they let you do the weird stuff.â
Ask Dr. NerdLove: My Guy Jerks Off A Lot. Like, A LOT
That being said: some of the behavior makes me cock an eyebrow. Six times a day every day? He jerks it several times an evening in order to get some sleep?! This makes me suspect that it has less to do with any addiction or any endorphin rush than it does dealing with having high levels of anxiety that heâs trying to relieve. If thatâs the case, then heâd be better off talking with a therapist than just pounding it out every 20 minutes.
Ask Dr. NerdLove: My Racist Parents Hate My Girlfriend
As frustrating as this may be, the best thing you can do is focus on what you can do instead of what you canât. You can set boundaries about how they can and canât speak to you, to your girlfriend or about your girlfriend in your presence. You can tell them that sheâs important to you, youâre planning a future together that likely includes marriage and kids. You can emphasize to them that, while you donât want to damage your relationship with them, youâre also not going to put up with bigotry. Either they can accept your relationship and your girlfriend or they can accept life without you in it.
Ask Dr. NerdLove: My Girlfriend Is Kind Of A Hoarder
And while I know you love her and want things to work out, Iâm going to have to be applying the Hobnailed Boot of Reality here: your relationship is basically fucked.
Ask Dr. NerdLove: I Was Catfished And I Donât Know What To Do
But Iâm going to have to be honest, D&C: you did a lot of the work yourself. This was not a particularly elaborate hoax; there were enough red flags flying around this person to host the 2008 Olympics. The first and foremost is that this was someone on a dating site without a profile photo. This is 2016, not an AOL chat room in 1996; nobody whoâs serious about online dating has a profile without a photo attached. Even anonymous Craigslist hookups will post somethingâa torso shot, abs, ass, something. So that right there is red flag number one.
Ask Dr. NerdLove: My Crush Keeps Betraying My Christian Values
Letâs be real here: your continuing crush on L isnât continuing âdespiteâ her âflawsâ â more on that in a second â itâs because you want to bang her. Your pain isnât because of her, itâs because you wonât acknowledge your feelings for her conflict with your attitude towards women and sex and youâre blaming her for not conforming to your vision.
Ask Dr. NerdLove: Why Canât I Get Over My Crush?
Men have vastly overestimated the idea of just how large an erect penis is supposed to be, ranging anywhere from six inches to seven and a half. In reality, itâs actually significantly smaller: studies published in the British Journal of Urology have found that the average size of a normal manâs penis is five inches erect. So yes, while youâre a little off to one side, youâre still pretty damn near the center of the bell curve. Medically speaking, unless your penis is smaller than three inches erect, itâs not unusual.
Ask Dr. NerdLove: Iâm A Straight Woman, So Why Do I Prefer Lesbian Porn?
Most porn sex ainât fun. But when you get to gay porn, the rules change. The poses are different, the acts are different, even the camera angles and lighting adapt. And while most lesbian porn is shot by straight men for straight men, it has a different feel than the usual poles-into-holes action that straight porn has. It feels less mechanical or unpleasant and more human.
Ask Dr. NerdLove: Iâm Worried My Girlfriend Will Kill Herself If We Break Up
But hereâs the thing: youâre not in a position to help her with these things. You are not a doctor. You are not a nurse. You are not a trained counselor or therapist. You arenât trained to deal with this, period. Your staying isnât going to fix her, and sacrificing yourself isnât going to actually achieve anything other than making you miserable in the process. Dating somebody isnât a blood-oath where youâve bound yourself to somebody and forever forsake your own self-care in exchange for them. You are allowed to leave, and in this case, itâs likely the best option for you.
Ask Dr. NerdLove: How Do I Become More Bangable?
When youâre convinced youâre unfuckable and that other people couldnât possibly be into you⌠well, thatâs where youâre right. However, itâs not because youâre the second coming of the Elephant Man, itâs because of the way your attitude affects every other part of your life.
Ask Dr. NerdLove: Should I Date My Best Friend?
Ultimately, I think youâre borrowing trouble when you donât need to, NFI. I think that youâre letting your fear of being aloneâan understandable, if not terribly logical oneâget to you. The fact that youâre in a relationship doesnât mean you wonât still die alone. Relationships, after all, do endâeither in a break-up or in death. Even if you and your best friend were to make it last for the next 40 years, thereâs no guarantee that youâll die in the saddle before she does.
Ask Dr. NerdLove: Should I Tell My Girlfriend I Lost My Virginity To A Sex Worker?
Hereâs the thing: all that is bullshit. We treat being an older virgin - especially male older virgins - as though it says anything about that person other than âthey havenât had sex yetâ. We have a cultural narrative about manhood and sexuality thatâs invented out of whole cloth and promoted through pop-culture: that your first time needs to Mean Something, that you have to lose it by a certain age (ideally high-school, by university at the latest) and in a certain way because it goes on to define you. It should be an event, because itâs the final milestone between you and being a Real Man.
Ask Dr. NerdLove: Am I Too Ugly To Date?
Lots of âuglyâ guys have girlfriendsâso many, in fact, that itâs a trope in fiction and real life. Fat guys have wives. Short guys have long, happy relationships. Hell, Iâm 5â8â, same as you, and Iâve dated women who tower over me. Not being concerned about being short is intensely appealing, especially to women whoâve gotten stick from dates and boyfriends about wearing heels. Good looks may help when it comes to dating, theyâre not the end-all, be-all that people think they are.
Ask Dr. NerdLove: How Do I Stop Getting Into Toxic Relationships?
Of course, boundaries are only good if you enforce them. You have to be willing to say ânoâ and recognize that ânoâ is a full sentence. You donât need to explain or justify your reasoning because that just becomes your opening offer in the negotiation; now she has something to leverage against you to compel your agreement. A flat âNoâ or âI donât want toâ, with no elaboration, doesnât give her any material to work with. Now the toxic person is just down to threats.
Ask Dr. NerdLove: Is Being A Virgin Hurting My Dating Chances?
To you, your being a virgin is like a giant neon sign, a scarlet V blinking overhead. Itâs an indicator of someone whoâs managed to miss out on his window and now heâs screwed because who could possibly want somebody whoâs still a virgin at his age? That big olâ V is symbolic of everything you should already have figured out by now and the life that you think you should be having but arenât.
Thing is though: your virginity is pretty much irrelevant to most of this.
Ask Dr. NerdLove: Iâm Sick Of Being Her Side-Piece
But hereâs the thing: no matter what she chooses, you have to stick to this. If you cave in and let things go back to how they are now, then all youâve done is shown that a) you donât respect her choice to be with him and b) youâre not serious about making her choose. If she can have her man and her side-piece too, thereâs really no motivation for her to finally dump the dude. Youâre going to be stuck in this relationship limbo for good⌠even when she breaks up with him and ends up dating someone else.
Ask Dr. NerdLove: My Guyâs Missing Ex Just Reappeared Out Of Nowhere
And letâs be real here: dudeâs story about his ex is fishier than the dumpster at behind Nobu. His girlfriend of several years up and disappears out of the clean blue skyâwith her familyâs support, at thatâbecause of a false alarm with her health and shows back up like nothing happened and expects to pick up where they left off? First of all: OK, yeah. Sure. Second of all: even if heâs telling the Godâs honest truth, why in pluperfect hell would he want to date her again?! Thatâs an unbelievably shitty way to treat someone you supposedly love and are getting ready to share your life with.
Ask Dr. Nerdlove: Am I Not Enough Of A âReal Manâ?
But as with all things involving toxic ideas around being a man, The Real Man checklist takes something inherentâbeing a manâand turns it into something conditional. Once your gender is based on external factors, it becomes something that can you can lose⌠or have taken from you.
And so another year of love, dating, and life advice comes to an end. As always, if youâd Harris to give you advice in his column, email him at doc@doctornerdlove.com and put âKotakuâ in the subject line. And if all this wasnât enough Nerdlove for you, you can always find more at his website, Paging Dr. Nerdlove.