Lonely? Unlucky in love? I used to be like you until I learned the secrets of love from my Xbox 360.
Now I'm passing these pointers of passion, all delivered in actual Xbox 360 dating-advice video games, on to you.
- Catch her off guard with your opening line.
A man walks into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting alone. Don't give her the traditional "hello" or offer to buy her a drink. She's heard all that before. Try mixing it up. Don't B Nervous Talking 2 Girls suggests "You're in my seat." Now you not only have her attention, but a place to sit.
- Build them up, then knock them down.
The greatest advice I've ever gotten from my Xbox was from How to Get Girls. Gentlemen, I give you the "complimentative-insult" - or as I like to call it the back handed compliment. Beautiful women hate being reminded that their very presence lightens up a room, so fulfill their deepest fantasies by slipping in an insult. Allow me to demonstrate:
You have a beautiful smile for someone with such crooked teeth.
Not only have you complimented her, but reminded her of her insecurities. Now there's a better chance she'll settle for someone like you.
- You're not the man of her dreams, but you can hide that.
Look at yourself. Maybe you're not in the best shape, maybe you're kind of a jerk, maybe you don't have a redeeming quality to your name, but that's ok. We can hide all that. According to How to Get Girls women like mysterious men. So try to hide anything that can give away any of your lesser tendencies and answer any questions with a vague response. Say she asks you if you come here often, give her a soft and sultry "maybe."
- Women act purely on instinct.
Nice guys finish last. It's a jungle out there and if you want to find a mate you need to start acting like the alpha male you really are. As Xbox indie game Virtual Attraction Part 1 says, women might say they want nice guys, but all logic is thrown out the door when it comes to women looking for a man in their life. It's all raw instinct. Go get 'em tiger.
- Don't do anything nice. Ever.
Thinking about buying the girl you just met flowers? Maybe take her to a movie? You might as well be buying a one way ticket to the friend zone. Instead of a little tender-lovin'-squeezin', you'll be spending all day helping her shop for a dress to impress the guy who took this warning from Virtual Attraction Part 1 to heart.
- If all else fails, say you're a veteran.
Ladies love a man in uniform and just because most of us don't have one doesn't mean we should give up. If things turn bad, play the vet card. In Virtual Attraction Part 1 blaming your feeble pick-up attempts on your time spent at war not only amuses the girl you're with, but raises her attraction level putting you back in the game.
- Now you talk the talk, but can you walk the walk (on the correct side)?
It's not just about what you say, it's about where you say it from. Girls love it when you talk to them from behind their right shoulder. So next time you see a beautiful girl out on the dance floor, circle round back and sneak in from the right. They love that stuff. How to Get Girls, which actually dispenses this advice, says it's science—or something.
Take these tips to heart my friend and if she hasn't slapped you yet, she is yours.
I do not actually endorse this dating advice. It is what I picked up from playing various dating advice games. You should probably not try this. Ever. Gentlemen, please treat women with respect. Ladies, don't tolerate scrubs.
You can contact Sam Winstrom, the author of this post, at sam@kotaku.com. You can also find him on Twitter, and lurking around our #tips page.