No Thank You, Animal Crossing Mario

Stay up to watch the Nintendo Direct they said. Help us with the edits as the stories go live they requested. Sure, sure I replied, I was going to watch anyway, why not. And then they said Mario was coming to Animal Crossing. And now I don’t get to sleep. Ever again.

Everything is wrong. Everything. This is the knock-off Mario your aunt would buy, not knowing the difference between it and the real one. It’s the Mario that would show up to your seventh birthday party after your parents started drinking. It’s the Mario that looks over you when you’re sleeping, staring, always staring.

He will kill us all.