
Hello you hideous love intestines, and welcome to Ask Dr. NerdLove, the dating advice column that brings multiplayer DLC to your formerly single-player life.
This week weâre tackling the question of how to continue when youâre out of lives and almost out of quarters. How can someone whoâs quick on the trigger learn to improve his hang-time with a new partner? How does a newly single dad get back out on the dating scene? And how much of an age gap is TOO much?
Itâs time to gird your loins and insert coins. Letâs do this.
Hey Doc,
Iâm the guy from this article, back with a follow-up to my story. But before that, I wanted to say you were very right the first time around! Unfortunately I had to figure that out the hard way by making the very mistake you warned me against. She was pretty terrible after we got back together. The good news is, once I figured it out, I really figured it out, and things are so much better for me now that Iâve moved far away from that chapter of my life.
Anyway, after doing a lot of dating and learning many other lessons, Iâve met someone wonderful. Sheâs fun, independent, hard working, affectionate, and actually enjoys being physical with me. That last one may seem like it should come with the territory, but unfortunately that wasnât always the case before.
Some of that was on me and some of it was due to bad chemistry, but Iâm enjoying the genuine intimacy greatly. Weâve had a great 6 months (and no, we arenât moving in together for at least another year, assuming things stay as great as they are). Anyway, while things are pretty much great, there is one thing Iâd love some advice about.
So while my girlfriend and I have a very active sex life, I think it could be even better in one area: duration. While there are times I can hang in there for a decent amount of time, it often doesnât take much to get me off. Now, we have plenty of foreplay before, and we arenât done in bed until I reciprocate via other means. This has kept her satisfied for the most part, but I can tell sheâd really enjoy if the penetrative part of sex lasted longer! Hell, I would too.
Itâs also worth mentioning Iâve always struggled with this short fuse, and I even get put out of commission with the yips from time to time. Fortunately we worked through that issue early in the relationship (sheâs a saint for that), but I can tell a lot of this is in my head somewhere. Itâs something I talked about briefly while I was still seeing a therapist, but we never really got any deeper than feelings of inexperience. I should also add that Iâm still quite a bit overweight, since Iâve read that can impact the situation (though Iâve lost 20 pounds and counting).
Iâve done some research on my own, but my options seem all over the place. I know thereâs edging, mixing up positions so I have more control, and all kinds of other strategies, but I really donât know where to start. I just want to give the two of us the best sex life possible, because she really deserves it (and so do I in some ways)! Anyway, Iâd be really grateful for any advice you can offer. And hopefully this can help other readers who struggle with this problem, since it can be something many men find difficult to talk about.
Best,
Real Long Story
First things first: thanks for writing back and letting us know how itâs been going! Itâs always awesome to get follow-ups from the people whoâve written in.
Before we get to the meat of your question, RLS, I want to point out what you donât say. What you donât say is that your girlfriend has a problem with this. It sounds to me like youâre going off assumptions, rather than her actually having brought things up or having an actual conversation about whether youâre lasting long enough for her or not.
Thatâs the most important place for you to start, my dude, because Iâm thinking this may be more of an issue for you than it is for her. I hear a lot from dudes who have an issue with not being able to hang in there longer when it comes to penetration.
You know who I donât hear a lot from with this issue? Women.
Sexual enduranceâby which we almost always mean time from initial penetration to orgasmic inevitabilityâis something that a lot of dudes donât quite get because⌠well, theyâre usually the ones doing the penetrating. The main way many men get off is either through penetration or through direct penile stimulation in ways that simulate penetration (i.e., oral, hand jobs, etc.), so we can tend to assume that penetration is the main event. All that foreplayâs been the opening act, but now the audience is starting to wonder when the hell Guns Nâ Roses is gonna take the stage and take âem down to Paradise City, if you know what Iâm sayinâ.
(Or not. I mean, GnR is kind of notorious for never actually hitting the stage on time, and now this metaphorâs officially gotten away from me.)
But that ainât true. While many women dig penetration, the truth is that, if youâve got a vagina, the odds are that you arenât getting off via the peen. Folks who have vaginas almost always (90% of the time, according to recent studies) need direct, intense clitoral stimulation in order to get off. Some folks are part of that lucky 10% who can be stimulated from the inside, but most penetrative sex in most positions just ainât gonna do the trick. This is part of why foreplay is so vital; itâs what actually gets folks off. Just acting like a fleshy jackhammer isnât going to do the trick. In fact, it gets kinda boring, fast.
And thatâs for the folks as whatâre doing the penetrating. If youâre the one being penetrated, it can go from âboringâ to âchafingâ to âoh Christ STOP ALREADYâ pretty fast. Even the most aroused partner is gonna run out of lubeâtheir own or store-boughtâeventually, and thatâs when things get unpleasant.
The other thing that people donât keep in mind is that most people donât know what the average duration of penetrative sex is. If you were to ask most couples (and if they were honest with you), theyâd probably tell you that they think that the penetrative portion of sex for them was a little below average. Except it isnât. Most people tend to clock in at around five minutes or so: dead bang (as it were) in the center of that particular bell curve.
Why do so many dudes not think theyâre lasting long enough? Itâs partially because sex ed these days is a blasted hellscape that features a plumbing diagram if youâre lucky and no actually useful information. But itâs also because of porn. Just like the idea that bigger is better, porn sells the idea that being able to bang out for for-goddamn-ever is both normal and desirable and is how you get someone off. But the real reasons are strictly practical for the filmmakers. It gives more room for editing, allows for switching to other positions so the audience gets all the views, and frankly, it pads out the run time.
Also, part of the reason why it takes so long is because the sex theyâre having in porn is fucking uncomfortable. Those positions arenât because itâs good for the actors, itâs because it lets the director get all the goods in the shot.
But whatâs significant is what youâre not seeing. Youâre not seeing the takes where someone blew their load early. Youâre not seeing the takes where they had to stop to get more lube or deal with the cramping and chafing. Youâre not seeing the breaks they took because someone couldnât get off and they had to bring in the stunt cock.
As a result, we get a really distorted idea about how sex is supposed to go, and everyone gets to feel like theyâre not measuring up to a literally impossible standard. Unless weâre talking about you being a one-minute man, RLS, I suspect the problem is more in your head than your pants.
But with that having been said, there are things you can do to improve your hang time. The first is simple and kind of obvious: masturbate before you go out. This takes the edge off, which means you wonât be quite so quick to blow, but it wonât leave you in the refractory period where you just wonât be able to get off at all.
The next is to switch things up. More often than not, people tend to choose one position and one rhythm and stick to it. Thatâs a good way to both train yourself to get off at speed and make the sex less interesting. So if you know, for example, that certain positions hit you just right, start with something differentâpossibly a position that your girlfriend might enjoy more that doesnât stimulate the same spots on you. Then, once sheâs satisfied, you can go back to the tried and true for your finale. Similarly, you can vary your rhythmâa four shallow, one deep pattern, for exampleâwhich will not only disrupt the sensation for you but also mean that you have to concentrate on something other than your approaching orgasm. And it has the benefit of being more entertaining for your girlfriend and less boner-killing than baseball or math.
The other option, especially if your girlfriend would like more penetration, is to bring some toys into the mix. Even if youâve hit your limit and have to wait to recharge, thereâre plenty of dildos and other toys that you can use to the same effect on her. Donât fall prey to the bullshit idea that âitâs the toy getting her off, not youâ or âif she has a toy, why does she need you?â Thatâs the same logic that says you didnât build a house if you used a saw and hammer instead of gnawing the frame into shape with your teeth and pounding nails in with your hands. Those toys arenât running themselves; youâre the one using them. The point for your girlfriend isnât getting off, itâs having sex with you, specifically.
Now there are medical options out there too. There are desensitizing creams and sprays, and some SSRIs have off-label uses for treatment for premature ejaculation. But again: unless weâre talking about less than, say, two minutes, I donât really recommend them. Thatâs more like swatting a fly with a Buick.
The best option is to start with talking to your girlfriend, then prioritizing foreplay and non-penetrative forms of sex. The variety keeps things interesting, makes the entire event last longer and will be more enjoyable for your girlfriend overall. And honestly? It sounds like sheâs pretty satisfied.
Good luck.
Dear Dr. NerdLove,
After almost 5 years of marriage, I find myself unexpectedly facing divorce. To make a long story short, we spent money we didnât have so she could go on a three week vacation while I worked and the mother in law helped with the kids. About a week after she got back, she confessed she banged some guy (who didnât even know she was married) and that this was proof that the âpassionâ was gone from our relationship and it was over. Iâm sure Iâve made some mistakes in the relationship (too focused on work and finances, not enough time spent together, etc.) but right now it is a little difficult not to be bitter about that.
That said, the reality is that I need to focus on what happens next. All but one of the step-kids are adults now except for one who will be moving in with her biological father. My biological daughter Nora has just turned 3 and will be living with me. Iâm getting a lot of emotional and financial support from my parents and other family (who fortunately all live in town) so I will likely be able to keep the house, hold down my job, and get good childcare for my daughter. Iâm trying to do everything I can now to get things in motion and get used to the fact that this house will soon feel a lot more empty before the seasons change (I have a mild case of SAD).
I probably shouldnât even be thinking about this so soon, but Iâm completely stumped on how Iâll start dating again when the time comes. I mean, Iâm a 38 year old nerdy dad. Physically Iâm still reasonably attractive and havenât gained a lot of weight or anything. However, Iâve pretty much sacrificed almost all social activity for my family the past few years. My life is almost entirely my job and my child, with my small amount of spare time mostly playing games and reading bad LitRPGs on my phone. Not only am I boring now, I have no idea what it is like to try and date as a dad. How common is it for the father to be the primary parent?
-Sincerely,
Nerd Dad
Iâm so sorry youâre going through this right now, ND; youâre dealing with a shitty situation and it absolutely sucks that this happened to you.
But the good thing is that youâre in a placeâmetaphorically and literallyâwhere youâre getting plenty of support and care from the folks who love you. Thatâs going to be important for your recovery and getting through this.
Youâre right in that I donât think that you need to worry about dating just yet. This is all incredibly fresh and new, and you need time to heal and recover. Dating right now would be a bad idea. Hell, even thinking about it is going to be an issue because, frankly, the wound is still open.
But I think that your biggest problem with dating in the future is that youâre feeling overwhelmed by your current situation. Youâre projecting your current mindset and emotional state into the future, as though youâre going to be in the exact same place you are now. Small wonder youâre feeling overwhelmed. You only have so much bandwidth, and all of it is being taken up by what youâre going through. As a result, when you try to think about what comes next, your brain vapor-locks.
The good news is that youâve got time. Love and dating will wait for you while you draw the curtain on this chapter of your life and get ready to start your next one. And the things that will help you recover and healârediscovering who you are as a single man and father, exploring new interests, cultivating new hobbies, reconnecting with your friends and rebuilding your social sceneâwill help make you more interesting and desirable as a partner when you are ready.
The most difficult aspect will be either issues of timing and schedulingâyour daughter is your priority, after allâand the question of when to introduce a partner to your kids. The answer to the former is going to be situational. The answer to the latter is: not earlier than a year in, and certainly not until youâre both serious and you know theyâre going to be around for a long time.
But honestly, everything isnât nearly as hopeless or daunting as it seems. I know after five years out of the game, it feels like everything is different. But I promise you: the scene may seem different, but people are fundamentally the same. Youâll have the same adjustment period that every newly single person goes through, but youâll find your sea legs again soon enough.
And, incidentally, a father whoâs got a loving, nurturing relationship with his children? Holy hopping sheep shit, my dude, being a good dad is like catnip to many, many women. When youâre ready, I think youâll find that itâs not nearly as daunting as you think itâll be.
Youâve got this.
All will be well.
Hi Doc, sorry in advance for my poor English, Iâm not a native speaker.
Here is my situation: I met a girl at work, and we hit it off quickly. Sheâs very smart, funny and we share a lot of things in common about the way we see life in general.
Three or four months later, even though Iâm very bad at seeing flirty behavior, Iâm starting to see some signs. She proposed that we hang out outside of work, and other coworkers told me that she seemed really interested in me.
But hereâs where I struggle : Iâm 31 and sheâs 20.
So:
a) Iâm scared that it would be seen as creepy for me to go further.
b) We donât have the same hobbies: she goes out in night clubs and Iâm more of a traditional geek, playing video games or going to the movies (even if I enjoy hiking, running and other outdoors activities).
c) Sheâs currently a student living with her parents, going to university and working the weekends at our workplace. I have my own apartment and am trying to change my career path while working fulltime. So it seems that we currently have very different lifestyles.
d) Maybe itâs superficial but sheâs way out of my league. Iâm kind of insecure about my physical appearance.
So with all that going through my head, do you think itâs a good idea to pursue and see where this relationship could be going or are we too different because of the age gap and just stay coworkers that get along well?
I could really use some insight from someone else.
Thanks Doc.
More Than A Number?
The generally accepted rule of thumb for the largest acceptable difference in age is half your age plus seven. So with you at age 31, she might be a little young for you; the suggested lowest age in your case would be 22. That having been said, a nine year age difference isnât really that significant in the grand scheme of things. Seeing as sheâs a grown-ass adult with agency, sheâs able to make her own decisions about who she is or isnât attracted to and wants to date.
So, if sheâs into you and youâre into her? By all means, go for it. Some folks may side-eye you for it, but again, sheâs the one who seems to be pursuing you. Youâre not Svengaliâing her into your wiley clutches.
But with that having been said, I donât know if this is a relationship thatâll work out for very long. Not because of the age gap, but because you two are very different people. Itâs not even that youâre both in different stages of life, but you have very different, contradictory interests and lifestyles.
One of the bigger indicators of how well a relationship will work in the long term is how compatible your lifestyles are. It can be hardânot impossible, but hardâfor a homebody to date a club girl, for example. If thatâs her favorite way to spend time and itâs not something you can be down with, and vice versa, then that can be a source of conflict. Your being uncomfortable at the club will make her feel uncomfortable, while her starting to get stir-crazy when youâre trying to have a relaxing night at home will get on your nerves. Now this doesnât mean that you canât have separate interests or lead separate lives; thatâs how you keep a relationship healthy. But it can throw a pretty significant wrench in the works.
But itâs the stages in life that I think is the bigger issue. Sheâs trying to work and get her degree; youâre in the middle of trying to jumpstart a new career. Even if you work around the lifestyles and interests, I think thatâd be a bigger impediment to long-term happiness.
Then again, who said it needs to be long-term? Thereâs nothing wrong with a short-term relationship, or even just a fling, if you go in understanding that this is exactly what it is. As Iâm often saying, not every love story needs to be an epic. Some are short stories. Some are dirty limericks.
So I donât think thereâs anything wrong in taking her up on her offer to hang out after work. Iâd probably suggest you make sure you know whether this is just the two of you (and if so, is it a date?) or if sheâs inviting you to a group thing, so you can adjust your expectations accordingly. But if sheâs into you and youâre into her? Thereâs nothing wrong with seeing if youâve got enough in common to give a date or two a try.
Oh, and one more thing: thereâs no such thing as leagues. Thereâre just people who dig what you have to offer and people who donât. If sheâs interested in you? Then by definition, youâre in her league.
Good luck.
Did you have to work on your sexual endurance? Have you dated as a single parent? Share your story in the comments below and weâll be back with more of your questions in two weeks.
Ask Dr. NerdLove is Kotakuâs bi-weekly dating column, hosted by the one and only Harris OâMalley, AKA Dr. NerdLove. Got a question youâd like answered? Write doc@doctornerdlove.com and put âKotakuâ in the subject line.
Harris OâMalley is a writer and dating coach who provides geek dating advice at his blog Paging Dr. NerdLove and the Dr. NerdLove YouTube channel. His new dating guide New Game+: The Geekâs Guide to Love, Sex and Dating is out now from Amazon, iTunes and everywhere fine books are sold. He is also a regular guest at One Of Us.
He can be found dispensing snark and advice on Facebook and on Twitter at @DrNerdLove.