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I Squished A Bug Inside My Monitor's Screen And Now I Want To Die

Illustration for article titled I Squished A Bug Inside My Monitors Screen And Now I Want To Die

It all started when I thought I saw a bug crawling across my computer monitor.

Huh, I thought, it’s a bug crawling across my computer monitor. I reached out to flick it off, and found that I could not. I stared at it, unsure of what I was seeing. The bug was there, but I could not touch it. Was I hacked? Was this some sort of malware?

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Eventually I concluded that no, it was a real bug, crawling around behind the screen of my monitor. I don’t know how it got there, nor what it hoped to accomplish.

I notified my coworkers, who reacted appropriately.

Illustration for article titled I Squished A Bug Inside My Monitors Screen And Now I Want To Die
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The bug soon wandered off the screen, and I got back to work.

A few minutes later, it was back. I decided that I needed to document what I was seeing, if only to prove to myself that I wasn’t losing my mind. I took out my phone and recorded the following video:

This is how it went for the next hour or so. The bug would come; the bug would go. I wouldn’t see it for ten minutes at a time, then it’d come crawling back, wandering across my Kotaku Slack window as if to say, remember me? I’m still here. Inside your computer screen.

I will spend the rest of my life struggling to explain what happened next. As the bug was on what had to be its fiftieth trip across my screen, I placed my finger on it and pressed down.

I did not pause to consider the ramifications of this action. I did not google “bug in my monitor screen” first. I didn’t even wait for the bug to reach the edge of the screen. I pressed down while it was squarely in the most usable space. It died, leaving a small black carcass stuck to the underside of the screen.

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I immediately realized that I now had a dead insect permanently affixed to the underside of my screen, where it would remain for as long as I owned this monitor. I panicked and attempted to tap the bug loose, thinking maybe it would fall to a lower, less critical part of the screen.

Instead, it exploded.

Illustration for article titled I Squished A Bug Inside My Monitors Screen And Now I Want To Die
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There is now a one-centimeter smear of bug guts occupying the center-left quadrant of my computer monitor, a part of the screen my eyes visit approximately six hundred times per day. I will never be able to un-see it, ignore it, or pretend it isn’t there. I will never be able to forget that its existence is entirely my fault. It will haunt me forever.

Time and again, I think back to the moment I reached out my finger and pressed down. Why? Why did I do it? What did I think would happen? There was one possible outcome to such an action. One.

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I bring you this tragic story in the hopes that, should you ever see a small bug crawling underneath your computer screen, you will leave it alone. Don’t be like me. Remember my folly, and my loss will not have been entirely in vain.

Kotaku Editor-at-Large

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DISCUSSION

You will need a screwdriver, a pair of tweezers, a magnifying glass (optional), some salt (~1tbsp), and a bag of chicken feed, preferably corn-based.

1. Unscrew the plastic casing of your monitor, carefully setting it aside. Place your monitor lying flat on a hard surface, such as a table or the floor. Make sure there is a lot of room to work around it.

2. Using the tweezers, carefully remove as much of the bug’s innards as you can, making sure to keep whatever entrails you find as intact as possible. This will be important later. Place whatever you salvaged aside, but no more than 1 foot away from the monitor

4. Take the salt and make a thin ring around the remains - that should keep them quiet.

5. This is where it may get a little tricky - if the salt ring was completely connected the entrails should vibrate a little, but nothing else. If you hear the screams of all those who have died, then there’s a gap. You may have to wipe away the salt (carefully! by this point salt will burn you too - always use gloves!) and try again. Then you need to lean in close into the space between the place of death and the entrails sat aside. You’ll know you’re in position when you feel the hum of the Beam that connects the two.

Five. You need to have a drop of your own blood interrupt the Beam - this can be done by biting a small prick into your finger, or just use your tongue. Both have their benefits and you won’t have either soon anyway, so it’s really your preference.

No. When the blood passes through the Beam you will be everywhere, tapped into the collective illusion that makes up reality, where words are right and you are the only thing that is wrong. Evacuate - there is no instruction for this, you will either do so or die or fail, which might as well be death. Evacuate your wrong body and collect that of the bug’s on your way. As you are aborted from reality for your transgressions against physics, you will take the bug with you, negating it as well.

Source: eHow