I can’t believe it’s been 14 years since 2016, a year I’ve decided to fixate on for no particular reason. The only thing more surprising than how things have changed is the way they’ve remained the same. Whoa.
Kotaku isn’t going anywhere. We’re celebrating Senior Week as a transition from one era to the next, but we plan to keep doing our thing until the ravenous wolves of time and decay come to take our bones in the night, or we’re sued by another billionaire because Jason decides to single-handedly delay every video game. In the meantime, let’s take a peek into Kotaku’s future. Here are just a few headlines I’m 100 percent certain we’ll be running in the year 2030.
Norman Reedus Gives Actual Physical Birth To First Copy Of Death Stranding
“I’ve been pregnant for 14 years,” said a visibly withered Norman Reedus as Metal Gear Solid creator Hideo Kojima proudly cradled the infant video game. “This is not a metaphor.”
Battleborn Is Now The World’s Most Played Video Game
With Evolve VII on the way, though, can it hold out?
Half-Life 2: The Kotaku Re-Review
Yeah, no, it’s still pretty good.
Bethesda And Ubisoft: ‘Sorry About That Whole Blacklisting Ya’ll For 16 Years’ Thing
Better late than never.
The Next Assassin’s Creed Will Be A Crossover With Fallout 7 And The Elder Scrolls XI
Multiple sources have told Kotaku that George Clooney will voice main character Dogmeat, and the game will otherwise “basically be Morrowind again, thank goodness.”
Bethesda And Ubisoft: ‘Ya’ll Are Blacklisted Again’
Huh, well, dang. Suit yourselves!
A Critical Look At Genji’s Dick
Is Overwatch’s star ninja more man than machine? Is he really?
Every Game Doesn’t Have A Nemesis System Like In Shadow Of Mordor Yet, HAVE WE LEARNED NOTHING
Seriously, people.
Undertale Officially Canonized By Future Pope
“Sans is my boyfriend now,” he said to press in attendance and also his Sans body pillow.
Stop Preordering Video Games
You’re gonna have to learn eventually.
The Final Fantasy VII Remake Will Be Out ‘Any Day Now, Probably,’ Says Square Enix
“We really, really mean it this time.”
People Are Still Tweeting At Brands
Still! STILL.
Fans Pissed That No Man’s Sky 2 Has So Many Features
“The original was so pure,” said a poster on the game’s forums. “Now I have to do all this crap.”
The People Who Still Play EVE Online (Even Though EVE Online Is Real Life Now)
“I end my day of working in the real Neo-Goonswarm’s coffee shop, and then I sit down in front of my PC. In that moment, I am the commander, the lord, the seer. I can soar where I please. I am free.”
“I do actually really like making coffee, though.”
How Table Tennis 2 Destroyed Rockstar
“To the outside world, it’s a game of paddles and balls,” one source who worked on the game told Kotaku. “But internally, it was a game of toxicity and egos.”
Valve Creates VR Universe In Which Half-Life Never Existed
We’ve played it for a few hours now, and it seems otherwise completely indistinguishable from the real world.
Feminism Wins, Video Games Largely Unaffected
Whoa, who saw that coming.
President Pewdiepie ‘Really Tired’ From Presidential Responsibilities And Also All The People Who Keep Leaping Out And Trying To Scare Him
“I’ve forgotten what real fear tastes like,” said the frazzled shell of a once-handsome young entertainer. “I miss it.”
Kotaku Has Been Read, Watched, And Eaten By Every Human On Earth
Editor-and-chief Stephen Totilo partially attributes the amazing success to Michael Fahey’s expansion of Snacktaku into a Soylent-like food product people can actually eat, only it’s not gross and it gives them intimate knowledge of the latest happenings in the world of video games.
“Thanks for sticking around, everybody,” Totilo added, addressing readers, viewers, and eaters. “I really mean that. We’d never have made it this far without the regulars who’ve been with us for decades. We love you all. I can’t say that enough.”
The Dumb Shit Kotaku Doesn’t Post Anymore, Pt 2
1. A List Of Stories We Found On Kotaku in 2030.