The GameCube Controller Lives On in the Hands of Fake Gamers

Next month's release of the Wii U marks the end of the GameCube's distinctive controller as a method for manipulating Nintendo games, but the color-coded buttons and sticks will always remain a method for making well-dressed attractive people look as if they are playing video games and not just smiling vacantly into a… » 10/15/12 4:00pm 10/15/12 4:00pm

Fake Gamer of the Week: Watch Out, She's About to Unleash Her Super Move

That sly look. The firm grip on the joystick. The dramatic pause. No, she's not flirting with you. She's warning you. Here comes her ultimate super move.

You might think there are no super moves in an ancient arcade game that only costs a quarter to play. You would be wrong. "But that's Galaga" you protest. "There… » 7/23/12 4:00pm 7/23/12 4:00pm

Fake Gamer of the Week: I Sure Hope There's Not a Sexy Cyborg Standing…

You've all been there. You're sitting there against a black backdrop, playing Call of Honor or Medal of Duty or whatever, when all of the sudden you're struck by the sneaking suspicion that there's a sexy machine woman standing right behind you. Ha, if I had a dime for every time I got that feeling!


Only this time… » 7/09/12 4:00pm 7/09/12 4:00pm

Fake Gamer of the Week: Girl Who Stores Game Controllers In Her…

We've all been there, Girl Who Stores Game Controllers In Her Underwear. Sometimes, it gets really hot outside. You're sitting in your apartment in your underwear, playing some video games to make the sweltering afternoon go by faster.


You get up to pour a glass of ice water, but the controller you're holding is… » 7/02/12 4:01pm 7/02/12 4:01pm

Fake Gamer of the Week: Ragequitting Baby

We've all been there, Ragequitting Baby. You're playing a quick round of capture the flag online, and there's this guy on the other team who just won't. Stop. Killing you. And as he does so, he lets loose an unending stream of invective, racial slurs, and all manner of other disgusting language.


He probably doesn't… » 6/11/12 3:31pm 6/11/12 3:31pm

Fake Gamer of the Week: Don't Trust the Pretty Redhead, Mr. Orange

Being an orange is hard. You grow up on a tree, surrounded by friends, only to be plucked at your ripest, crated, and shipped off to a grocery store, destined to be devoured by health-conscious shoppers.


So when you found yourself in bed with a lovely redheaded woman gamer, you thought you had avoided your fate.… » 5/21/12 3:30pm 5/21/12 3:30pm

Fake Gamer of the Week: Little Girl Who Just Found Porn On Her…

Oh, Little Girl Who Just Found Porn On Her Brother's DS. I'm so sorry this happened to you. On behalf of brothers everywhere, I apologize.


When your big brother got a 3DS, you were so excited to inherit his old DS that you didn't even think about clearing out the internal memory. Why would you? What kind of person… » 4/30/12 3:31pm 4/30/12 3:31pm

Fake Gamer of the Week: Enthusiastic Guy With Incredibly Supportive…

I can't help but admire you, Enthusiastic Guy With Incredibly Supportive Girlfriend. You've really got it going on: great hair, winning smile, clearly very handsome despite your thick designer glasses, nicely chosen prep shirt.

You're loving life; you're playing video games and having fun doing it. And your hot… » 4/16/12 3:30pm 4/16/12 3:30pm

Fake Gamers of the Week: That Can't Be A Comfortable Way To Play

To see these two boys playing video games is to see true brotherly love, the kind of unparalleled passion that can only be found in suburban living rooms, resting on postmodern sofa cushions with spotless decorum.


Witness their smiles, eternally frozen in toothy bliss. See their eyes, focused on the television with… » 4/02/12 4:00pm 4/02/12 4:00pm

Fake Gamers of the Week: Bored Blonde Teenagers with Mismatched…

If only I were younger. If only I were more bored and more blonde. If only I didn't have this damnable compulsion to make sure my controllers match not only each other, but the system I am playing on. Perhaps then I could be one of the bored blonde gaming teenagers.

I need not play with them; indeed, that would… » 3/26/12 3:30pm 3/26/12 3:30pm