What Your Witcher 3 Romance Says About You: Brutal Callout Post Edition

Of all the romantic options in The Witcher, Shani is one of the rare few who appear in all of the Witcher games. CD Projekt Red should’ve called The Witcher 3: Hearts of Stone DLC Shani: Return of the Queen. Shani is the happy ending for folks who are highly susceptible to the “one that got away” trope. What’s not to like about Shani? She’s a medieval essential worker whose job is to make folks feel better with her medical prowess, she’s got that Oxenfurt Academy education, and she loves to dance.

If you romanced Shani, you’re a genuine romantic who loves having a partner that knows exactly the right thing to say to make your stressful day seem less shitty and will suggest an outing at the local ren-faire as a five-star date. If Shani wasn’t allocated to being your DLC waifu, you would have loved to have had her replace The Witcher 3’s primary red-head romance option. Patience, reader, we’ll get to her.

As far as secondary romance options go in The Witcher 3, Carthia van Canten, aka Cantarella, takes the cake in having one of the most heist-film love stories to ever grace a video game. After meeting her under her pseudonym, Sasha, you have the option to indulge her by entering a tournament where the two of you plan on splitting your winnings. Hijinks ensue, and now you guys are smack dab in the middle of your own medieval heist romance. How serendipitous.

If you romanced Cantarella, you like the kind of person who has an air of mystery to them, but you still want someone considerate despite your short-lived romantic entanglement.

If you took a liking to Sylvia Ana, aka Syanna from The Witcher 3: Blood and Wine DLC, chances are you like the kind of person who’s spontaneous and abhors Disney adults. Oh, and you have an obvious weakness for witchy dominant women. As Bayonetta’s de facto househusband, I embrace you, comrade.

Luckily for you, hastily hitting the “[Let her have her way with you]” prompt in the middle of your daring mission with Syanna—which results in some aerodynamic fornication in the clouds—doesn’t affect your ongoing romance with Yennefer or Triss. Turns out fornication in the clouds doesn’t count as a sky crime in The Witcher.

If you romanced Jutta an Dimun, the Iron Maiden of Skellige, you’re the kind of person who loves it when their partner’s response to the age-old business or pleasure question is combat.

Against Jordan Peterson’s weaksauce opinion on beauty, you like the kind of person whose love can only be measured by how huge their muscles are. Your Autumn Ivys, if you will.

Upon hearing that Jutta made a vow to only marry a man that could defeat her in combat, you said “bet.” Congratulations, you found your medieval punch wife.

The running theme of potential romances on this list is that Geralt, and by virtue you, really enjoy a relationship built upon mutual teasing. Hey, more power to ya. Considering that your play time up until you arrived on Keira Metz’s doorstep was bereft of any substantial romantic outings outside of your brief encounter with Yennefer—whose brand of tsundere teasing proved too strong for your romantic Richter scale—Keira served as your formative example on what romance routes are like in the Witcher 3.

Read More: The Complicated Women Of The Witcher 3

Like many of the sorceresses in The Witcher 3, Keira is cunning and feisty in equal measure. Where she deviates from the rest of Geralt’s potential partners is that instead of you romantically pursuing Keira, she’s the one who’s romancing you. If you romanced Keira, you’re the type of person who enjoys it when someone is comfortable enough in your relationship to roast your past flings to your face. But you also like it when someone will go out of their way to plan a day-long date with you that goes beyond exploring the city and stopping by whatever place catches your eye.

Yennefer really was a meanie-bo-beanie, wasn’t she? She’s callous, inconsiderate of anyone whose feelings aren’t her own, and always reeks of Axe lilac and gooseberries body spray. If you romanced Triss, you love warm, light-hearted people that put all your worries to rest with their beaming smile.

But this wouldn’t be a brutally honest post without me being frank with you. Chances are that when you decided to romance Triss, you put up metaphorical horse blinders whenever folks admonished you by saying Triss is a terrible person for taking advantage of Geralt’s amnesia to live out a very romantic escapade with her dear friend Yennefer’s beau in The Witcher 2 and in the books. Forget those naysayers. Books are for losers and you can’t be bothered playing a game that came out before the year of our lord 2015. You’re in love, goddamn it, and you’re not afraid who sees you and Triss make shadow puppets in that old abandoned lighthouse.

Are the normies gone? Good. Yennefer was always the right choice and you have impeccable taste for romancing her. While some might say romancing Yennefer in The Witcher 3 is like deciding mac and cheese will always be your favorite food because you really liked it as a kid, there is absolutely nothing wrong with Robert Kraft’s greatest creation. Hey, they make artisan bowls of mac and cheese for adults now. She’s definitely not lacking in seasoning, and will have you begging for more.

If you romanced Yen, you like the kind of person who’s great at non-verbal communication, doesn’t wilt at the first sign of a plan not going accordingly, and is perfectly secure with who they are as a person.

Some may say Lady Gaga’s “Bad Romance” was made with you two in mind, but what do they know? The sex is good and appreciative of the not-at-all creepy art of taxidermy, the love runs so deep that even a broken spell couldn’t stop y’all, and your verbal bouts and slapboxing fisticuffs are adorable as hell. No one else in the world… I mean in The Witcher 3, knows you better than Yennefer.

Here’s the part of the article where I point and laugh at you for attempting to two-time two of the most powerful sorceresses in the game. Much like in real life, women talk to each other and there’s no way in hell Triss and Yen weren’t gonna embarrass your trifling ass for trying to “play the field” with the game’s two most powerful sorceresses and get away with it. Play stupid games and win stupid prizes.

You knew it was coming. Geralt never shut up about getting information on his missing daughter, Ciri, talking up his magnificent teleporting horse, Roach, and voicing his astute observations on the weather. But all of these played second fiddle to his pestering folks to play a rousing game of Gwent.

My man eats, shits, and breathes The Witcher 3’s card minigame and never wasted any opportunity to ask if any of the local village people played or had any rare cards he could play them for and add to his bountiful collection.

Read More: Tips For Playing Gwent

If you partook in playing Gwent, you’re the kind of person who only finds satisfaction in destroying your opponents with sound strategies and big-numbered cards of your favorite Witcher characters. Also, chances are you went “No way, fam” whenever characters tried to divert you from your conquest with romantic distractions.