Ranking Dragon Age Boyfriends By Whether They’d Actually Be Good Partners

I don’t have to hypothesize as to whether or not Solas would be a good boyfriend in real life because he was already a terrible one in the Dragon Age games. This guy spends the entirety of Inquisition lying to you about the real reason he’s been helping you, which is to help get his world-ending plan back on track after he fucked it up. Even if you’re in a romantic relationship with the guy, this truth doesn’t come to light until after he dips at the end of the game and tells you why he ghosted you in the DLC. Yes, it’s tragic, it’s angsty, and it makes for great drama, but one day you, too, will be old and tired and want someone who’s just gonna be there when you get home from work. This man is too busy trying to destroy the world for a righteous cause to care about seeing you every night. The Veilguard only makes his crimes against humanity more clear and even if he ends up smoothing things over with his girl in the end, you deserve someone who isn’t gonna leave you waiting for 10 years to get his shit together. Worst rl boyfriend, easily.

Look, Sebastian sucks. In Dragon Age II, the guy is so beholden to the church that he’s constantly judging people, including you. He’s also a chaste romance, if that’s your thing, but if it’s not, you’re gonna be left wanting at the behest of a god who left you and everyone else behind a long time ago. He’s not trying to destroy the world, so he does get to come out above Solas, but you can do better, friend. We have 11 bachelors yet to go...

I love Fenris. He was my romance option every time I’ve played Dragon Age II, and the rival romance between him and a mage Hawke plays out as delicious angst. But as the years have passed, I’ve cooled a lot on the relationship because it just has a lot of abusive undertones. The sex scene is sparked by an argument, then Fenris shoving you into a wall, lit up with his lyrium tattoos ready to reach through your chest and crush your heart. It illustrates the abuse Fenris has gone through, and the scene itself is very earned. It works well in a video game and on An Archive of Our Own, but in the context of a real romance the red flags keep popping up. Yeah, by the end Fenris and Hawke grow and have a better relationship, but if that shit happened once, it can happen again.

Cullen is a wildcard because his romance scene in Dragon Age: Inquisition shows he knows how to give you that good good and throws all his shit off his desk to do it. But he also seems like the kind of guy who, after you’d gotten well and settled, would start asking why you haven’t made dinner for when he gets home from work and tell you that your job should be to take care of the children, rather than having a career and life of your own. He seems sweet and chivalrous, but that can also come from some extremely backward views on relationships. So proceed with caution. You know the joke about liberals who look like Republicans? That’s Cullen, and it’s a coin flip for what you’re actually going to get.

Look, I know. But please hear me out before you start throwing tomatoes. Anders is possessed by the spirit of Justice, but he’s also possessed by his devotion to his cause. And that devotion extends to you, as well. You want a man who is obsessed with you? That’s Anders. You think a man who blew up a church in an act of terro—uh, revolution is going to ever half-ass your birthday or not appreciate the big moments of your lives together? No, this guy is gonna do something explosive for every life event you there is...so long as he doesn’t spot some great injustice happening elsewhere in the world that might distract him. Good thing the world is a completely just and good place in which no one is being disproportionately harmed by societal structures, right?

Blackwall is a liar, and as we established earlier when we talked about Solas—not to mention in the Mass Effect boyfriend ranking—that’s pretty bad. But Blackwall’s lie is a good lie, because he’s trying to keep the legacy of a better man alive while trying to atone for his sins. Unlike Solas and the others, his lie is not selfish. Assuming Blackwall’s identity did allow Thom Rainier to avoid his tortured past, but he owns up to it and then there are no secrets between him and the Inquisitor. Then you just have a guy who is a broody gentleman that will fight and die for you.

When you meet Zevran in Dragon Age: Origins, it’s because he’s trying to kill you. But when you defeat him, the assassin tells you that he’ll turn on his employer in exchange for his life. In the early bits of the relationship, Zevran is out for himself. You overcome that detachment in the romance, until eventually you’re left with a funny, horny goofball who brightens your day with his antics. If you want someone who’s going to turn your frown upside down during the darkest times, you can’t go wrong with this assassin turned golden retriever puppy.

At a glance, Lucanis looks like he’s a bad boy who would ruin your life for a few weeks. I mean, when you see a man viciously descend upon a target while sporting magic wings, that screams edgelord. But it turns out, this guy’s a big ol’ softy. He’ll remember your favorite snacks, tend to your every whim, and slay your enemies with trained efficiency. Did someone cut you off in traffic? Dead. Was someone in the booth next to you rude to the wait staff? Contract accepted. What possible downside could this short king possibly have? Well, there is that Spite demon that possesses him when he goes to sleep. Unless you’re into that. If not, you’ll at least always have a fresh pot of coffee in the morning as he downs the stuff constantly to keep himself awake.

Surely Alistair is the least experienced of the Dragon Age boyfriend pantheon. That means he’s got a lot to learn, but since he’s not been playing the game, you can assume some level of purity in his intentions and willingness to feel the relationship out. Where Cullen feels like a risky proposition because he seems the type to harbor prehistoric views, Alistair seems too naive to want to do anything other than worship the ground you walk on. He’s a doofus, but he’s funny and kind-hearted. Just don’t ask him to take up the responsibility of being a king or he’ll resent you forever.

As SZA once said in an SNL sketch, “it’s cuffin’ season, and all the girls are leavin’ to get a big boy.” She was definitely singing about Iron Bull. This qunari giant is all about boundaries and consent, and serving you and your needs both in and out of the bedroom. Iron Bull is the kind of guy who will do anything to protect and serve his mate, and the man will not rest until you are content with every aspect of your life and relationship. Iron Bull won’t give up on you, unless you completely betray his trust and get all his friends killed. Which is valid, because in that case you were the problem in the relationship.

Davrin the Grey Warden is the embodiment of positive masculinity. He’s stoic but not emotionally withdrawn, firm but not harsh, and he’s nurturing to those he cares about. It takes a lot of patience to be a griffon dad and also be the protective caretaker of a strapping adventurer who can’t stop getting into trouble. But he also recognizes that your responsibilities weigh heavily on you and doesn’t leave you wondering about the relationship. Davrin is the kind of man who says “yes, I would still love you if you were a worm” without once getting annoyed at the improbable scenario.

The one lingering question mark comes from him being a Grey Warden. He could be doomed by the narrative, destined to leave you a single parent to a griffon if he hears his Calling and must go down to the Deep Roads to die, or, if some major lore developments happen and he doesn’t have to worry about the Calling, he might suddenly have a lot more road in front of him than he knows what to do with. Dating a Warden is a risk. But with Davrin? It’s one worth taking.

Dorian is too much of an idealist to ever want anything other than the best for you. When he’s not being a revolutionary tearing down the corruption of his homeland, Dorian is the kind of man who will come home and worry that you’re running yourself ragged with your own responsibilities. He deflects with humor when you ask him about how he’s doing, but then opens up because he’s just as comfortable with you as you are with him. He’ll have some internalized homophobia to unpack, which comes from growing up with an oppressive, prejudiced upbringing, but once you’ve helped him untangle that abuse, he’ll be your rock, just as you are his. In The Veilguard, Dorian is walking the walk he spent all of Inquisition saying he would. He’s spearheading real change in Tevinter, and if you can get past the probable political assassination attempts, you know he is someone who will come through for you at the hardest of times.

If you want a relationship in which you never have to worry your sweet little head about anything ever again, Emmrich is your guy. From the moment I met the necromancer in The Veilguard I was immediately charmed by his kind demeanor and the fact that a youthful whimsy had not left him in his twilight years. This man will wine and dine you without asking you to lift a finger. This man’s love language is acts of service. He likes to take things slow and will treat you with nothing less than the respect you deserve. Emmrich is the kind of guy who, when you take home to meet your mom, she’s happier to see him walk through the door than you are, and they get wine-drunk and cry looking at your baby pictures. You ask him what’s wrong and he tearfully says “I wasn’t there to protect you, darling.” How can you say no to someone who’s that obsessed with you but in a non-toxic way?