The Naughtiest And Nicest Christmas Movies, Based On Blood, Joy, And F-Bombs

Die Hard may very well be a wholesome Christmas movie, given its story about a man wanting to patch things up with his estranged wife. (At least that’s how screenwriter Jeb Stuart argues on its behalf.) But that doesn’t excuse the fact that John McClane racks up a body count of ten men by the time the end credits roll. Sure, they’re all international criminals posing as terrorists who would have killed far more without McClane to stop them. But if Snoopy and the Red Baron could set aside bloodshed on Christmas night, surely John and Hans could have done so too.

Disregarding the 3D-ness of it all, A Very Harold and Kumar 3D Christmas goes down smoother than fast food sliders ever could. John Cho, Kal Penn, and Neil Patrick Harris reunite for one more, seemingly final round as the estranged best friends rediscover their bond after taking their first steps into real adulthood. See past the R-rated vulgarity, gun violence, and claymation dongs and you’ll find A Very Harold and Kumar 3D Christmas to be the gift that keeps on giving.

Home Alone doesn’t have nearly enough holiday cheer, nor its young star quite enough charm, to cover up the film’s child abandonment resulting from a faulty alarm clock. John Hughes’ seminal film may be a Christmas classic, but that doesn’t mean it’ll ever get off the naughty list. For children, Christmas is a time for the joyful innocence of awaiting Santa Claus’s arrival to reward your good year with great presents, as you maybe leave him some milk and cookies to sweeten the deal. It’s not about a kid fighting for his life by leaving nails for thief Marv (Daniel Stern) to step on, and a scolding hot doorknob for Harry (Joe Pesci) to burn his hand on, as both try to rob the child’s home. Sorry to say, but one of the greatest Christmas movies ever is also one of the naughtiest.

Everything about Elf is a Christmas miracle. Springing from the mind of screenwriter David Berenbaum and executed by the dynamo duo of Jon Favreau and Will Ferrell—the latter considered a liability among executives at the time, given his previous starring role in the bawdy Old School—Elf defied expectations to become the premier holiday classic of the new millennium. Its spellbinding sense of unabashed joy and its story concerning one man’s search for family are powerful enough to thaw even the iciest hearts. And few can resist the simple hilarity of six-foot-three Will Ferrell in emerald stockings.

Never judge a book by its cover, but always judge a Christmas movie by its Santa. Billy Bob Thornton, as Willie T. Soke, portrays arguably the crudest department store Santa Claus in history. Telling a child on your lap that you contracted a disease from sleeping with Mrs. Claus’s sister and then showing up to work drunk is sacrilegious to anyone who celebrates Christmas. The movie takes an exceptionally dark turn when Willie attempts suicide—something no Christmas story should have to endure. While preteen Thurman Merman (Brett Kelly) ultimately gains the gift of lasting friendship with Willie and the confidence to stand up to his bullies, it only comes after Willie is shot by the police while wearing his Santa costume and Thurman flips off his harasser. You can’t slap a few ornaments on a lump of coal and call it anything but naughty.

I know what you’re about to say, and you’re correct: Friday After Next had more F-words that weren’t “frolicking” or “family” in it than any Christmas movie should have. But it was all in service of preserving what makes Christmas great. Craig Jones (Ice Cube) and Daymond “Day-Day” Jones (Mike Epps) make ridiculous attempts at paying rent after a thief dressed as Santa Claus robs them of their rent money and gifts. That, along with Katt Williams’ Money Mike character thwarting sexual assault by clinching Damon “Triple O.G.” Pearly’s (Terry Crews’) testicles with pliers, is antithetical to the Christmas spirit. However, gathering people for a Christmas Eve party to help them pay their rent, along with Christmas carolers getting retribution for those who harassed them while they spread holiday cheer, are beautiful examples of the power of Christmas. Plus, catching the robber in the ’hood, getting the money back, and leaving him on a roof for the cops to collect is nothing short of a Christmas miracle.

Nothing is more awkward than your boss hooking up with your crush. So imagine being Jack Lemmon in Billy Wilder’s The Apartment, whose boss isn’t just sleeping with his crush (Shirley MacLaine) but doing the deed in his own pad! (Even worse: Imagine the cleaning bill on all of his own bedsheets.) Beloved as it may be with its sweet happy ending and the triumph of personal happiness over professional ambition, the central predicament of The Apartment is just about the epitome of the holiday blues. The very kind Elvis sang about.

No, revealing someone’s sex work past and a cancer death aren’t really what Christmas is all about. Those are just the lowlights, however, in an illuminating Christmas classic, The Best Man Holiday. The sequel to 1999's The Best Man finds a fractured yet still familial group of friends spending the holidays together when infidelity, financial mismanagement, and betrayal strike. The performances from the film’s incredible ensemble, which includes Taye Diggs, Nia Long, Terrence Howard, and Regina Hall, are all rooted in the type of redeemable honesty that inspires the forgiveness that Christmas calls for. Coordinated displays of love, like wearing the same ugly Santa sweater as your partner and going Christmas caroling, are quintessentially in the Christmas spirit. Thanks to The Best Man Holiday, you can add four men doing a choreographed rendition of New Edition’s “Can You Stand the Rain” for the women in their lives (while decked in enough leather to cause a heat stroke in slightly hotter conditions) to that list.

Hot chocolate and pecan pie can set the Christmas mood perfectly—unless they’re consumed under duress while your kidnappers are seconds away from pummeling you. Starring Ben Affleck, Charlize Theron, and Forrest Gump’s Gary Sinise, Reindeer Games follows ex-con Rudy Duncan (Affleck) as he assumes the identity of his late cellmate Nick (James Frain) to win over a woman named Ashley (Theron) and spend time with her family for Christmas after being released from prison. However, he soon finds himself entangled in a dangerous plot led by Ashley’s brother Gabriel (Sinise), who believes Rudy (posing as Nick) can help them rob a casino. Kidnapping, excessive blood and guns, and a deadly finale are all cardinal sins of Christmas movies, banishing this one to the naughty pile.

Paul Giamatti may be a perpetual Grinch in his Golden Globe Award-winning performance as boarding school dictator teacher Paul Hunham in The Holdovers, but that just makes the Christmas joy he helps engineer all the more sacred and earned. No one should be alone on Christmas, and The Holdovers immaculately demonstrates that as Hunham, petulant student Angus Tully (Dominic Sessa), and grieving cafeteria manager Mary Lamb (Da’Vine Joy Randolph) are all stuck at Barton Academy boarding school over the holidays, life passing each of them by in particular ways. They band together and help each other reconnect with family and the joy of life. That’s as Christmas as it’s going to get.

As is the case anytime Seth Rogen and Evan Goldberg collaborate on something, there is a heart of gold beneath the crude surface of The Night Before. But that still doesn’t mean it gets on Santa’s nice list. While this wildly underrated Christmas comedy champions the endurance of male friendships and taking personal accountability, there’s still a whole lotta lies, drugs, and unprotected sex in dive bar bathrooms during this oh-so-holy night. Also, while things ultimately work out for Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Lizzy Caplan, it’s never a good idea to spring a public marriage proposal on your ex.

“Isn’t there anyone who knows what Christmas is all about?” cries Charlie Brown. “Sure Charlie Brown, I can tell you what Christmas is all about,” a calm Linus says before cueing the stagelights and recounting the story of the First Christmas. It’s an iconic emotional climax to an equally iconic Christmas movie, one that stands the test of time thanks to just how much poor old Charlie Brown buckles under the weight of expectations and hollow artificiality. Linus’ Bible lecture isn’t religious dogma, not really. Just a calm reminder that the real intentions of these end-of-year celebrations are, as he puts it, “peace [and] good will toward men.”