Kotaku EastEast is your slice of Asian internet culture, bringing you the latest talking points from Japan, Korea, China and beyond. Tune in every morning from 4am to 8am.  

This last week I picked up the Capcom/Namco-Bandai/Sega mega crossover Project X Zone. The game sports characters from Space Channel 5, Resident Evil, and Tales of Vesperia, just to name a few. But nothing, and I mean nothing, could have prepared me for the utter and complete insanity of this game. Read on to see my minute-by-minute notes detailing my descent into awesomeness induced madness.


1 Minute β€” Alright, to start with we have an anime opening not done in 3D (despite the platform), teasing me with a whole bunch of team-ups; I am intrigued.

2 Minutes β€” Right off the bat we meet our original main characters for the storyβ€”who seem to be a rich girl and her bodyguard. I guess getting randomly attacked on her way to school by monsters is nothing new.

3 Minutes β€” But seriously, I dig this guy's style: white vest and suit pants, red dress shirt, and tiger-striped armor plates. Amazing.

Advertisement

10 Minutes β€” Alright, on to the next tutorial battle. I have no idea who these characters are so let me look it up... oh they're from Virtua Fighter... wait a minute Virtua Fighter had actual characters and a story!? I was not aware.

15 Minutes β€” Team Tekken is here and Jin seems to be freaking out a bit as demons spawn in. My first mission in this area is to slap some sense into him. …And I just got a game over for failing to do it fast enough.

Advertisement

20 Minutes β€” Wow, I'm being confronted by a naked robot with giant breasts and a large pelvic bulge. ...I think I need an adult.

23 Minutes β€” And Street Fighter IV's Juri has appeared and seems to be teaming up with the hermaphroditic android... Is she a bad guy in the Street Fighter series or are weird naked robots just her thing?

25 Minutes β€” Ken and Ryu, the original fighting game bromance, are on the scene to take down Juri. Ken seems to know the other fighting game leads.

Advertisement

26 Minutes β€” Virtual Fighter + Tekken + Street Fighter = A whole lotta ass being kicked.

40 Minutes β€” Now on to a sci-fi world with teleporters bringing in monsters to kill.

Advertisement

42 Minutes β€” I don't know where this guy is from but his character design is awesome! (And even more so is his scantily clad companion's.) I don't know, maybe I just have a thing for futuristic space cowboy attire.

1 Hour β€” Alright, so Demitri Maximoff from Darkstalkers is hiring Dante from Devil May Cry to help him find Morrigan. This oddly makes perfect sense.

1 Hour 10 Minutes β€” Oh yeah! Now the cast of Shining Force and Arthur from Ghost'n Goblins have showed up to back up team DmC.

Advertisement

1 Hour 12 Minutes β€” Wow, Arthur is buff without his shirt. I mean daaaaaaamn.

1 Hour 30 Minutes β€” Holy crap! Is that John McClane!?*

1 Hour 35 Minutes β€” Apparently John McClane and Chun Li are working a case together. This could be the best Die Hard movie ever!

Advertisement

1 Hour 37 Minutes β€” And now they are teaming up with Frank West to fight zombies. I approve of this sudden plot twist.

1 Hour 38 Minutes β€” Oh dear god. In battle, John McClane uses a giant grandfather clock to beat his opponents senseless; and when he performs his ultimate move, his jacket explodes off his body (complete with mushroom cloud), revealing the trademark wife beater underneath.

Advertisement

1 Hour 40 Minutes β€” And now Chris and Jill have crashed the party, because whenever a zombie needs killing on a cruise ship, there they will be.

1 Hour 41 Minutes β€” Dear lord, why does Jill sound like a 40-year-old Japanese house wife!

1 Hour 45 Minutes β€” Jill, Chun-Li, and Morriganβ€”this is starting to look a lot like my Marvel vs Capcom 2 team.

Advertisement

1 Hour 46 Minutes β€” And why is Heihachi here? Was he just chillin' at the cruise ship's bar and was like, "Oh man, a fight with zombies!? This is right up my alley!" I guess when you're immortal, you get your excitement where you can.

2 Hours β€” Unsurprisingly, team "Zombie Smash" had no problems with the walking dead on a boat. And for an encore, they stepped into an on-deck fountain and magically disappeared.

Advertisement

[At this point my notes become nothing but some scribbles and a puddle of drool.]

Project X Zone was released in Japan on October 11, 2012, for the Nintendo 3DS. There are currently no plans for an international release.

*This is not actually John McClane. This is his Japanese knock-off, Bruno Delinger, from Dynamite Dekaβ€”or as its known in the West, Die Hard Arcade.