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Please Stop Comparing Real Life To Video Games

"It’s a bizarre, surreal case of a young man almost acting like a real-life action video game," said a judge in England earlier this week, regarding a 15-year-old boy involved in a bank robbery. Or maybe he was acting like a bank robber. There should really be rules for comparing real-life events to video games. » 9/26/13 12:30pm 9/26/13 12:30pm

Chris Hecker Rants at GDC Without Saying a Word

It's revealing that at first I didn't get the point of this, which is Chris Hecker's rant at Game Developers Conference 2013. So much of the nonstop big budget press conference bullshit you hear in this business all sounds alike, forcing me into a kind of weird active listening where I'm trying to decode pabulum and… » 3/31/13 1:00pm 3/31/13 1:00pm

Square Enix, You Have a Problem. You Are Addicted to Countdown Clocks…

This is an intervention. While most of the gaming world has thankfully moved on from stupid countdown clocks designed to drum up silly publicity for forgettable games, Square Enix still clings to them. It's time for Square Enix to stop. Enough!


Now, you are overreacting, Brian Ashcraft, you say. Perhaps. But,… » 12/07/12 5:30am 12/07/12 5:30am

Crazy Expectations of a Console That Didn't Deserve Its Third Chance to…

If you never saw Crazy People, a 1990 film starring Dudley Moore, I highly recommend it. Basically, an advertising agency is taken over by the insane, who decide that honesty—the anathema of marketing—is now the best policy. Volvos are sold as "boxy, but they're good." Another stunt offers "a free plant for fat… » 10/05/12 8:00pm 10/05/12 8:00pm

This is the Last Presidential Election Gimmick Mobile Game I Will Write…

It seems lately that not a day goes by without another mobile game with ties to the upcoming presidential election arrives in my inbox. They paste the Republican and Democratic candidates into trite video game situations, offer to donate a portion of sales to the appropriate campaign fund. They call them exciting… » 10/03/12 5:55pm 10/03/12 5:55pm

Customer Service Sucks For Those Inside the Gaming Industry, Too

Console failures don't just happen to the little people. No, they happen to gaming industry professionals, too, and we're happy to report they don't get a customer service batphone and valet replacement service just because they happen to work for a major publisher, as "Frank" does here. He gets to suffer through the… » 8/31/12 8:00pm 8/31/12 8:00pm

In the Background of Video Games' Exclusive Deals, There's More Than…

They are the heroes of our childhoods. The glory of their times. Their video game comes out later this month. For the entirety of the current console generation, just one mega-publisher has solely controlled the exclusive right to immortalize their triumphs. It's a deal that has reaped gobs of cash, and the latest… » 8/17/12 9:15pm 8/17/12 9:15pm

There's Nothing to Steal: Why Everyone Hates the Free-to-Play Switch

I'm not proud of it, of course, but I've profiled others according to skin color. You see, glowing, primary color skin on a character in D.C. Universe Online » 8/03/12 8:30pm 8/03/12 8:30pm is a sure sign of a free-to-play player, especially if they're low level. It indicates they really didn't give a shit what they looked like when they rolled,…

Would You Pay $260 for Xbox Live? Technically, I Just Did

Helplessly watching this sweating man thrust all of his body weight into my bedroom wall, grunting over the whine of the drill, I realized I was seeing and participating in the perfect metaphor for my attempts to connect my Xbox 360 to the Internet in my new home.


"Man," he said, "you're a real tough 'un." I couldn't… » 7/20/12 8:00pm 7/20/12 8:00pm

No Way to Trim the Pubic Hair of Console Gaming

In about a week I'll move into a new home. My mother's giving me an antique pine cabinet which she says is perfect to support my TV and house all my video game equipment. When I get home my best friend and I will carry over this antique. Then I'll drill a huge hole right hrough the back of it.


No matter how consoles… » 6/22/12 8:01pm 6/22/12 8:01pm

Aisha Tyler Rants “I've Been a Gamer Since Before You Could Read.”

For people who care, the consensus seems to be that Ubisoft won E3 this year. Part of that was owed to a NSFW Far Cry 3 trailer, the surprise spectacle of Watch Dogs and the hosting of Aisha Tyler. But the MCing of comedian and co-star of best-thing-ever Archer didn't win over everybody. Need some proof? How about… » 6/13/12 11:00am 6/13/12 11:00am

The Lazy Security Patrolling Apple's Shopping Mall

This past weekend, readers alerted us to an absolutely contemptible ripoff » 6/01/12 9:00pm 6/01/12 9:00pm on the iTunes App Store. Someone had submitted a straight-up copy of the flash game, called it —which doesn't exist on the iOS. , some unscrupulous dick managed to slide Adam Saltsman's game past Apple's mall security. The fact it happened on…