You may have heard there’s a new Katamari Damacy game on both iOS and Android. There is! It’s called Tap My Katamari. It is awful.

I played it yesterday so you don’t have to. Things start pretty well! Some nice new Katamari splash art, some funky music to accompany it. After a lengthy loading screen, you get playing and....

...oh. This is it. You roll your Katamari from left to right. No 3D control, no strategy, you just...tap the screen to roll. Tapping the screen faster makes the Prince roll...faster. In other words, it’s what’s called a “clicker”, since that’s precisely all you do. Here’s some video in case you don’t believe me.

After a bit of rolling, this menu appears.

Then this menu.

Then this one.

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So, yeah, fuck this game.