Human nature dictates that whenever people acquire new tools for visual expression, they'll use them to draw dicks. So when Nintendo revealed that the latest (and, quite possibly greatest)Super Smash Bros.would come with a level editor, was there any doubt about what players would do with it?
Of course not. Shortly after the stage builder was confirmed, Reddit user RocketCow said what everybody was thinking with the exclamation "PENIS STAGES INCOMING!" Despite the developers best efforts to limit the extent of...anatomically correct custom stages in Super Smash Bros. Wii U, players haven't been shy about sharing their exceedingly NSFW creations with one another online. They're just a little bit harder to find than the SFW ones, thanks to the fact that a) Nintendo doesn't allow Smash players to share their custom stages directly with one another (undoubtedly for this very reason), and b) the Smash Bros. Stages subreddit draws a hard line with its edict that "NSFW posts are not permitted."
But you know what they say: where there's a will, there's a way. And there is certainly a will to create dong-shaped Smash stages. Here are some of the best (or worst, depending on how you look at it?) I've seen. Enjoy.
These two come courtesy of Imgur user sesto, who's "waited years for this moment." Glad you finally found what you were looking for:
via GameFAQs
Can't get much clearer than this one!
Surprisingly, this similar stage is the only NSFW one that was sent directly to me by a Kotaku reader. Thanks, Hiero! You're truly one of a kind:
These next few come from this appropriately titled video "PENIS STAGES - Super Smash Bros. for Wii U" from YouTubers TinyLunchBoxGamers:
"Vajeyjey Island," which is the only real attempt I found to render female genitalia, as oppose to plain ol' male junk. As the two people playing explain in the video, it's not their best work. The left one is meant to show the hip-and-thigh region of a female body (I think...), the lava being a sign that "she's on her period." I guess the one on the right is supposed to be a...torso? Except without the whole neck and shoulders and arms, so that we get a proper view of the breasts? Even the guy in the video admits it looks more like Mickey Mouse.
"Mannetiss"
"What's up"
As they demonstrate in the video, the penis cannons are oriented in such a way that a character caught in one will get shot back and forth between the two in an endless loop. Just like real life!
"Your Mom." I wonder if the Wii U stopped them from spelling out "the beast with two backs."
"Happy Ending"
"Yummy Sausage"
Yes, that cannon does exactly what you're probably thinking it does. From the video:
This "eruption level" comes from YouTuber BobFetus TV:
I'm glad that he made sure to spell out "PENIS" underneath. I would've had no idea what he was going for otherwise.
... anyways, you can also see it being built, and then what it's like to play on!
Last but certainly not least, these two come from Tumblr's " The Jolly Department." Apologies for the blurriness, I needed to blow them up slightly. Here's "EXPAND_DONG(S)," which comes with a note stating: "if you look closely wario's ready to take it up the ass." Erm...ok.
This one, " EXPAND_BONG," is meant to be a bong. It's also pretty much the only custom stage I came across not modeled after genitalia:
A note underneath reads: "(that cannon insta-kills you. i didn't know until i tested it.)."
Alright, that's all for now. But keep up the good work, Smash players! We're still at the very beginning of the new Super Smash Bros. generation, after all.
Also, if you want to see some very cool and not at all obscene Smash Bros. custom stages, check out our ongoing roundup of those.
Top illustration by Chris Person
To contact the author of this post, write to yannick.lejacq@kotaku.com or find him on Twitter at @YannickLeJacq.