2016 was a year of dazzling heights and dismal lows in the realm of snackology. A year of fast food crossovers, foul cookie combinations, depression day doughnuts and election night tequila. Also we ate a thing that looked a lot like nightmare poop.
This piece was originally published on December 22, 2016.
Here at Snacktaku our crack team of snackologists have dedicated their lives to the eating process. We were born eating, we live eating, and if 2017 is anything like 2016, we will probably die eating before 2018 rolls around.
But that’s months away. Right now it’s time to cut open the 2016 Snacktaku shark and examine its stomach contents.
America’s third-favorite thing that melts in your mouth and not in your hands gave the whole flavor voting thing a try this year, asking consumers to choose between Chili, Honey or Coffee Peanut M&Ms. We chose the coffee flavor to win, and the popular vote agreed.
The long-awaited showdown between two of DC Comics’ greatest heroes may have gone undecided in the shitty movie, but there was a clear winner in the breakfast battle.
Who would have thought we’d be singing the praises of toaster pastries styled and flavored after Orange Crush and A&W Root Beer in 2016? Truly this was a year of wonders, when nothing bad could ever happen.
While others were busy railing against the new Ghostbusters movie, Snacktaku was busy guzzling bucketfuls of the resurrected Hi-C Ecto Cooler.
Everyone thought that Burger King’s Cheetos-breaded macaroni and cheese sticks sounded like a horrible idea when first announced. Now everyone wishes they were still being sold. Curse you, limited-time only snacks.
During our Snacktaku review of Deep Fried Twinkies, at least one variety of which is worth eating, we mentioned they should not be eaten frozen. After the episode aired, we realized our wife (yes, our wife, shush) had been eating them straight from the freezer, and they are delicious that way. Dammit.
Fast food restaurant Arby’s experimented with several new meats this year, and while we missed out on the venison (plans are in place), the thick and smoky pork belly sandwich won our hearts and mouths. Maybe not so much our arteries.
Tequila is not a snack. We know this. It just seemed like a good idea at the time. And it was.
We wound down the year with a very special crossover between Snacktaku and Kotaku in the latter’s New York City offices. Candy bars were shared, friends were made, and managing editors hopped.
Burger King took all of the good will it earned making Mac N’ Cheetos and threw it out the windows in a big, wet pile.
The most disappointing thing I ate all year, hands down. Swedish Fish Oreos are like when you introduce your two best friends and they fucking hate each other.
Lime green works in beverage form, but not so much inside a snack cake.
The only thing worse than being trapped overnight in LaGuardia due to a flight delay, completed exhausted and homesick, is doing that with only stale doughnut holes to eat.
And The Ugly
Seriously though, what the hell?
Here’s to the year 2016, a good year for eating things and feeling sad. Join us next year, when we wrap this all up by eating the rest of the Kotaku staff.
Snacktaku is Kotaku’s take on the wild and wonderful world of eating things, but not eating meals. Eating meals is for those with too much time on their hands.