Image credit: Brazzers.

Brazzers’ porn parody of Overwatch, titled Oversnatch, starts strong, but by the end it’s sweaty, spent, and sagging.

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Warning: this post is NSFW.

Oversnatch begins promisingly, in an abandoned theater that almost doesn’t look like a porn studio. Widowmaker lurks, and Reaper skulks. Widowmaker (played by Aletta Ocean) is introduced with Overwatch-style text displaying her role, Cock Sniper, and her catchphrase: “One cumshot, one kill.”

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Widowmaker proceeds to activate her ultimate, Infra-tits, despite the fact that the match only just started. There’s no way her ult could’ve already charged. Reaper (played by Danny D, the man with the single least Reaper-like name ever), still gets the drop on her, leaving us to speculate about what Infra-tits actually did. Does it let her see through walls… with her boobs?

Reaper and Widowmaker proceed to engage in a firefight that makes minimal use of their skills. Widowmaker barely scopes at all, and Reaper fights from an awkward mid-range, instead of up-close. Reaper doesn’t use Wraith Form, in which he slips into a shadowy space between this world and the next, to close distance or anything. How unrealistic. Immersion broken.

Then Reaper unleashes his ultimate: Dickblossom. It is a dildo.

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Widowmaker uses it to go to town on herself for a bit, and then Reaper—whose dick is made of neither hell nor demons—gets in on the action. He thrusts and thrusts and thrusts, but never once does he discard his spent member and pull another from some incomprehensible shadow realm.

Reaper does, however, use one of his abilities, Shadow Step, to liven things up. “Repositioning,” he announces dutifully, teleporting both himself and Widowmaker into new (though mostly vanilla) positions.

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Unfortunately, the sex is pretty uninspired—forced at the best of times and uncomfortable at the worst—which gave me time to take stock of the production as a whole. While Widowmaker’s costume is solid, Reaper looks like he got his at Party City. Reaper’s voice, meanwhile, is less of a grave and gravel-y grumble and more like somebody’s dad in a Halloween costume. He ends up coming off as a Generic Porn Man in an uncomfortable coat, which he never fully removes. I can’t decide if that’s a good or bad thing. (Actually, I just imagined a fully naked dude in a Reaper mask, and yep, it’s a good thing.)

Before long, the illusion is gone, with Widowmaker and Reaper reduced to nothing more than porn stereotypes. Oversnatch is frontloaded with funny ideas that show real appreciation for the game, but the meat of the experience—I AM TALKING ABOUT SEX—rarely goes anywhere adventurous. Lots of blowjobs, lots of missionary, etc, but nothing that emphasizes a character dynamic or even uses their abilities in particularly fun ways. You’ve seen this exact porn movie a million times before, and yes, I know how much porn you watch.

Some of the bits I’ve described might sound entertaining enough to warrant a purchase on their own, but the complete package just doesn’t deliver. Oversnatch is 34-minutes long, and most of it is spent on standard sex you can get for free in thousands of other videos. This video has novelty value, but I feel like in a world where a dedicated Source Filmmaker community has produced oily barrels of surprisingly heartfelt Overwatch porn, Oversnatch comes off as a glorified publicity stunt.

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At the very end, Oversnatch cuts to a “Lay of the Game” screen, but said honor doesn’t go to any specific move. Widowmaker just gets experience points for “Cum Intake,” “Vaginal Wetness,” and “Pornstar Rank.” How do these points work? Why not just use Overwatch’s tried and true commendation system instead? It’s almost as though this is not, in fact, a hyper-researched fusion of one of the year’s most popular games and porn, and is instead merely sex in silly costumes.

I’ve watched a lot of Overwatch porn in my time (FOR RESEARCH PURPOSES), and I appreciate the effort Brazzers put into rock-solid recreations of Reaper and Widowmaker, but their movie barely did anything for me. I hardly laughed or felt a tingling in my nethers. I am, however, now stuck with a self-renewing Brazzers subscription that I really need to figure out how to delete.