On Friday, Hollywood flick Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li opens in theaters across the United States. We were given a screener copy of the movie by the movie's distributor. Lucky us!
The cinematic event of, well, this week deserves a proper liveblog.
Beware. This post is wall-to-wall spoilers. So if you plan on seeing Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li, and you do not want your viewing experience spoiled do not read any further.
Still reading? Good.
We'll be updating as we view the film so you'll need to refresh the page — that is, until the flick is over.
Do keep in mind that reading this does not compare with actually watching this film, so do support Hollywood's most recent effort at turning your favorite video game character into a feature film by seeing this at the theater. Feel free to print out this liveblog and follow along with the action on the big screen!
12:00 - Hey, it's the Capcom logo!
12:01 - Opening shot: Golden Gate bridge. There's piano music. Piano music means this is a classy movie. In a voice over Chun Li star Kristen Kreuk is talking about how she wanted to be a concert pianist, but things don't always work out the way you expect them. She moved to Hong Kong and everything changed. GREAT, BLAME HONG KONG.
And the opening credits.
12:03 - Rich father, she doesn't know what his job was. (Because his job was being rich?) She and her father practice martial arts in the garden. "Growing up was like a dream. But nothing lasts forever." Uh oh, daddy's gonna die.
12:05 - And here comes Michael Clarke Duncan as Balrog! Her father throws canned vegetables at Balrog, who catches the canned vegetables and laughs. They fight. Balrog chokes and laughs a lot. Yeah.
Guys with bats appear. They fight. Chun-Li's father LIGHTS HIS HAND ON FIRE by touching a candle and then LIGHTS ANOTHER GUY ON FIRE. Bison (Neal McDonough) shows up in a business suit.
12:08 - Bye bye Daddy! Off he goes in a limo. Nothing like being kidnapped in style. Chun Li takes out a spinning bird necklace her father gave her.
12:10 - Big Chun Li. All grown up, and she's a concert pianist. She sees some random homeless dude getting beat up. On his hand, there's a spider web tattoo!
12:12 - Says Bison, "As distinguished members of the Shadaloo Corporation, you are all very important, and I don't need to waste your time." So Vega kills them all.
12:16 - Chun-Li's father is not dead, but in a fancy-schmancy prison — complete with a Mac desktop! Bison is keeping Chun-Li's father in prison for his, wait for it, connections! That's right, Chun-Li's father's connections. Bison has locked him on in a cell so he can email people?! And in return for his connections, Chun-Li's father gets pictures and digi clips of his daughter. He sits in his chic cell all day looking at pictures of his daughter.
12:19 - Says Chun-Li: "Was this mysterious scroll a message? Who was it from? I had to find out." Oh, the intrigue.
Okay, we're about twenty minutes in, it's a Chun-Li movie, and I have yet to see any Chun-Li thigh. Maybe I missed it? How can one miss Chun-Li thigh?
Oh, Chun-Li's mom dies. There's a weepy scene. BUT NO THIGHS.
12:21 - Hey, it's that guy from American Pie! He's an Interpool cop. But I thought Chun-Li was an Interpool cop? No, moron, she's a concert pianist!
12:23 - Some old lady tells Chun-Li to find Gen and something about a spiderweb symbol. To find Gen, Chun-Li has to "leaver her life behind," so she says goodbye to all her servants and leaves her mansion in the rain at night. WE SEE WET RAINY THIGHS.
There we go, she arrives in Bangkok, about 24 minutes into the movie, and we finally see Chun-Li's thighs. What wonders await us 24 minutes from now? A blue outfit? Just a shot in the dark!
"I had to lose myself to the street. I had to become one with the people of Bangkok." Um, why?
"This was new to me. Every night was a struggle. Every meal was a gift." Cue montage of Chun-Li looking hungry and walking around and looking hungry and sleeping in the gutter. Give this lady a sammich.
12:28 - ANGRY BABY FACE.
12:31 - Gen appears, explains the bit about Chun-Li's father being kidnapped for his connections. He knows who took her father! "I'll tell you when you are ready. But when you put away your anger."
Gen created the Order of The Web. "Your father was a very important man, and his connections could open any door in any country around the world." Even when he's in a fancy prison!
12:33 - ANGRY BABY FACE.
12:35 - Chun-Li does research on Bison at an internet cafe. "Research" is looking at two articles online. Sounds like Chun-Li is ready to write PhD thesis.
12:40 - Something about Bison being an unscrupulous land developer.
12:41 - More Gen and Chun-Li training. He blindfolds her and throws metal balls at her, while muttering some new age mumbo jumbo about harnessing energy. Her face almost hits a buzz saw.
12:43 - Chun-Li in blue moomoo with bun hairdo.
12;45 - Lesbian dance scene between Chun-Li and some evil lady in heels. M'kay.
Don't remember that in any of the games.
12:48 - Fight breaks out and carries over into a strip club, which is playing some hip-hop song about Street Fighter. What a kwinky-dink! The guys with guns are no match for Chun-Li's Spinning Bird kick. Chun-Li wears blue underwear.
They keep referring to Chun-Li as "the schoolgirl" in this movie. Why, why, why.
12:55 - Gather round! It's time for Bison's back story. His Irish missionary parents died when he was a baby, and he became ill, "but where he was no one cared about the sick," Gen tells us. Thanks Gen! Bison grew up on the mean streets of Bangkok stealing stuff — like entire baskets of fish. Baskets of fish? The nerve.
"He yearned for more, so he went to the dark cave." Can't blame him. I mean, baskets of fish? Meh. So Bison shows up in this drippy dark cave with his new, knocked up wife.
Hello shotgun marriage!
Gen says something about Bison wanting to lose his conscience. Bison has his very pregnant wife lay down on some rocks and then starts taking off his wife's clothes and...
...rips his unborn child out of his wife's stomach! Bison's eyes then change color. And that's how he became an unscrupulous land developer? Just think of what Donald Trump had to do...
12:57 - KA-BOOM! No more Gen. *Sad Panda*
1:00 - Chun-Li and Vega fight. Chun-Li knocks off his mask and says, "No wonder you wear a mask." Oh buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurn.
1:03 - Chun-Li gets captured snooping around a shipyard. Bison tells her: "You're not a schoolgirl anymore." Hey Bison! She's not a schoolgirl in the games, that's Sakura.
They throw her in the brig with her dad. There's isn't a Mac in the brig — however will he connect with his very important connections?
1:05 - Bison: "You see, your father has been the milk of my business. But even milk has an expiration date." YES, YES, YES!
Bison kills Chun-Li's father. Jerk.
Chun-Li escapes, and runs through a street markets. Fruit carts galore! Balrog pulls up in a Benz, draws a weapon, and Chun-Li grabs a kid to keep him out of harms way. Balrog fires off a shot, Chun-Li turns and takes it in the back, takes it for the team.
Some little kid throws a rock that hits Balrog in the face. Now everyone is throwing rocks. Ha, this is great. No, really. The rock throwing scene is great. Love it.
HEY IT'S GEN! HE'S NOT DEAD!
He better do some bad ass Rambo type stuff and pull Chun-Li's bullet out with his fingers. Instead he waves his hand over her wounds.
1:14 - Chun-Li shows up at that American Pie guy's safe house and asks him for back up. She gonna try to take down Bison when his shipment arrives at the shipyard.
Explosions, shooting and more shooting. There's kicking when Chun-Li shows up at the shipyard. Ha, Chun-Li finds some girl on the ship and asks her if she's okay. But the girl doesn't seem to speak English and asks where her father is, so Chun-Li tells her to stay where she is. That's probably a good idea.
1:18 - Gen and Balrog fight and Gen MELTS BALROG'S FACE. Awesome.
1:19 - That girl on the boat? That's Bison's daughter, the one he ripped out of his wife's stomach. Not so awesome. She's also put up in a fancy prison cell. Man, if you're gonna get captured, get captured by Bison. His cells have designer furniture.
Hold on, we're actually confused. Why is Bison's daughter on a boat? Like, when he ripped her out of his wife's stomach, what did he do with her? Let's forget about that now, Gen and Bison are fighting. It's a pretty good fight! We hope he uses that milk analogy again, because that was terrific.
"Gen, you are starting to sour." (He didn't say that, but should've.)
Bison throw Gen into a table and then leaves. Leaves? Why does he leave? You cannot BLOW UP GEN, why would you leave him after throwing him into a table? Go over that and finish the job. DAMMIT BISON.
1:23 - Chun-Li shows up and starts smacking Bison with a bamboo pole.
1:25 - ANGRY BABY FACE.
1:27 - And... Chun-Li defeats Bison by twisting his head around. The American Pie guy shows up and says nice work.
1:30 - Another voice over, a newspaper clipping for a Street Fighter tournament, Gen mentioning a "Ryu something," and this looks like a wrap, folks!
Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li opens at theaters across the U.S. this weekend. Be sure to see it so we get the inevitable Street FIghter: The Legend of Ryu something!