Kotaku
My brother, Fletch, and I were 8 and 6 years old, respectively, when Pac-Man debuted. As this IM conversation demonstrates, to this day we approach the game with the same wide-eyed curiosity and emotional maturity as we did in 1980.
Tuesday, April 15
10:01:53 AM Owen: hey, pac-man question: how big were the dots and the energizers, in pixels
10:02:08 AM Fletch: You mean on the original video game screen?
10:02:16 AM Owen: yeah, 2x2 for dots, and roughly 8x8 for the energizers?
10:02:20 AM Fletch: i guess. I don't have bionic graphic measurement powers
10:02:37 AM Owen: I'm trying to figure how big a shit Pac-Man would take after one board.
(you've been warned...)
10:03:15 AM Fletch: Isn't this begging the rather obvious question of the location of pac-man's anus?
10:03:30 AM Owen: ...
10:04:21 AM Fletch: I'm betting Pac anatomy would confound human xenobiologists
10:04:24 AM Owen: o_O
10:05:06 AM Owen: OK now, normal digestion, how much gets metabolized, how much is dookie, rough percentages.
10:05:25 AM Fletch: dunno, never saw pac-crap
10:06:14 AM Owen: neither have i, stupe.
10:06:18 AM Fletch: do we assume Pac's GI tract is reg'lar? Getting enuf dietery fiber?
10:06:22 AM Owen: this is for mature, healthy, nonsmoking male pac-adult
10:06:30 AM Fletch: that's the only way the word 'mature' ever gets into this conversation
10:07:00 AM Fletch: BRB
10:10:41 AM Fletch: OK, there are 266 dots on a screen
10:10:50 AM Fletch: roughly 2x2, so 4 pixels per dot
10:10:53 AM Owen: you google that?
10:11:00 AM Fletch: no- found a screeencap of the whole board at wikipedia, so I counted em
10:11:05 AM Owen: got damn you hardco
10:11:56 AM Fletch: nowait, I miscounted- thought the board was quadrilaterally symmetrical, but its only bilateral
10:12:05 AM Owen: O_o
10:12:30 AM Fletch: Ok dot count is 240- x 4 pixels is 960
10:12:38 AM Owen: alright, now the ghosts
10:12:47 AM Fletch: ghosts don't count towards crap, they ghosts.
10:13:04 AM Owen: no, he consumes their ghost costume but not their eyeballs. it's roughage.
10:13:17 AM Fletch: THEY GHOSTS
10:13:30 AM Owen: "ghost-monsters" according to teh cartoon
10:13:38 AM Fletch: Cartoon ain't canon
10:13:46 AM Owen: o_O
10:13:56 AM Owen: fine fuck the ghosts.
10:14:09 AM Fletch: damn straight. Now: energizers are 9x9- minus 12 for the corners, so that's 69.
10:14:21 AM Fletch: x 4 equals 276
10:14:29 AM Owen: wat about cherries
10:15:07 AM Owen: you get two of those per board
10:15:08 AM Fletch: they ain't on my screengrab
10:15:16 AM Owen: well dammit find another
10:16:50 AM Fletch: OK 98 pixels for cherries x 2 is 196
10:17:05 AM Owen: OK so that's 960 pixels for the dots, 276 for the energizers, 196 for the two fruit. i get 1432 pixels total consumed. now, let's say it's one of those high speed versions like we played at the pizza hut. so he's burning a ton of calories, and all of this stuff is super nutritious. and plus he reserves some that he'll convert to mass for when he goes supersize to chase blinky at the first intermission. so all but 25 pct is left in his intestines. that leaves:
10:17:25 AM Fletch: 358 pixel pac turd. let's say 360. what's the square root of 360
10:17:34 AM Owen: uh ...
10:22:50 AM Owen Good went away
10:22:55 AM Fletch: ohfercrissake
10:22:56 AM Owen Good (auto response) I am away from my computer right now.
10:22:59 AM Owen Good came back
10:23:01 AM Owen: uhhhh ... 11?
10:23:22 AM Fletch: 18.97, Mister Maf.
10:23:28 AM Owen: close enough
10:23:35 AM Fletch: so let's call it a square 19 pixels on each side
10:23:37 AM Fletch: now how big is pac. I'm betting he ain't that big
10:23:52 AM Owen: 16x16 at the max.
10:23:59 AM Fletch: 14x14. plus his butthole has to be only two or three pixels wide
10:24:09 AM Owen: owwwwwwwwwww
10:24:30 AM Fletch: so it ain't gonna come out square, it's going to be a big long squirt-dookie
10:24:35 AM Owen: ( O ) ___ ( o)
(Wednesday, April 16)
From: Fletch [redacted]
Date: Wed, Apr 16, 2008 at 1:32 PM
Subject: Re: conversation
To: Owen Good [redacted]
attachments:
To scale, pixel for pixel. Nearly 2x Pac-Man's mass.
Note the reddened, chafed Pac-butt.
This must be why the ghosts have to walk slowly through the tunnel.
Later that day
13:40:28 PM Owen: lol blinky's all !!! omfg
13:40:33 PM Fletch: thanx
13:40:45 PM Owen: so i was trying to figure
13:40:49 PM Owen: what would the men's room look like after one round of Tapper
13:40:52 PM Fletch: I have to go now.
Images courtesy of Fletch Brendan Good
Comments
See, this is why I love weekends.
best.post.this.year
That is massive.
You know, that conversation reminds me of me and my sister, but we usually don't talk about shit.
Owen, you win the gold for weekend posts.
I always assumed inside pac man was some sort of black hole, things go in but never come out.
HAHAHA! Oh wow!
It's the commitment to knowing how big the craps would be that amazes me.
I'm honestly impressed.
I've always wondered how that would work myself, now that i have an answer. i have so many more questions...
Looks like Blinky smells a stinky.
Quite possibly the hardest I've laughed at Kotaku in a long time. Hope you don't get banned for the bathroom humor Owen! =D
for pacmans crap sake!! this is pure win.
This post is full of win!
Big long squirt dookie? LOL! Owen, you win teh internets every weekend haha!
Screw Mortal Kombat Vs. DC, THIS is this week's post.
The fact that this takes place over only 20 minutes makes me laugh very hard. Reminds me of all the useless conversations I have with my friend.
Owen I bow down to thee
@t0yrobo: Seconded.
This has genius written all over it. I propose posts about Fletch be an hourly occurrence. Because its just that damn good.
that is fucking amazing on so many levels and i feel ashamed for not having the discussion with friends first. -_-
Man... I thought I had some amusing chatlogs, but this takes the cake.
I need to read the conversation. I just scrolled to the bottom and now Im so confused.
Plus when I saw the first pic, I thought he was lifting weights... I need some DS Flash Focus.
/clap
great,weird,and funny read.
This is AWESOME.
Best videogame related poop humor ever.
3 weekends in and already a hall-of-famer
That's the best thing I've ever seen.
Jesus, that's the funniest shit I've seen this year. Great post dude.
HAHA, this brightened my otherwise depressing day. Love the weekend posts.
"(o)___( O)" indeed...
"nowait, I miscounted- thought the board was quadrilaterally symmetrical, but its only bilateral..."
And you kids thought geometry class would never be useful.
This shit is hilarious.
*no pun intended*
Wow, thank you very much for that.
/me claps.
@JimElNino: See, thats where Owen made a mistake. He busted out this gem way too early. There is no way he can ever top this.
OR CAN HE *waits with bated breath* ??!!
Does this conversation scream "Clerks" (as in the Kevin Smith movie) to anyone else?
I'm amazed at the depth of the analysis, and hard-pressed to argue with the results. Not sure if I could bring myself to, but it seems solid* from here.
*unlike the Pac-dookie
Also, I got a huge kick out of the fact that this is the one and only post on Kotaku that has "dookie" as one of the tags.
A new recurring post theme, perhaps?
Wow. Effort.
I can't decide if this is just a great post on Kotaku or the Greatest post on Kotaku.
Oh man i'm so happy i read through all of this. XD
Can I nominate this for Hyper Multi-Tap?
This is the funniest thing I've ever seen on Kotaku, hands down.
This is proof that men never lose the boy within.
Incredibly funny! :D
It's always fun to speculate about totally random and completely arbitrary video game points. I can't remember the last time I had one of my own.
Also, this conversation made me burst out laughing.
[blogs.phillynews.com]
/On behalf of Fletch and myself
LOLY.
I wish me and my brother had discussions this deep about Pac-Man's digestive system; perhaps I'll try and steer conversation in that direction next time I speak to him.
You're work is amazing Owen!
@spiderweb1986:
Can't argue? The "20% left in his intestines" is extremely debatable. How much waste material is going to be in a power pellet? It's power.
One could assume that the pellets are metabolized entirely.
But in the end, you have you ask yourself, does fecal matter? It may, depending on how you were reared.
Next you're going to calculate how big a crap the Transformers take!
Power Pellets and Dots, like Energon, are made of pure energy!
PAC MAN IS A ROBOT
i loled
owen wins
@Nawara_Ven: Dammit. Almost choked on my lasagna there. :P
This is soo damn funny man. I was hurting myself laughing and hoping the funny would end, and then I tried to control myself. Then I started to choke on my laughter. True story.
@Nawara_Ven:
Oh man. The last two lines of your comment are made of more win than the internet can handle. Someone get this man a nomination.
Damn, this is the hardest I've laughed in a long long time, and considering the month I've had, I have really needed it. THREE CHEERS FOR THE BROTHERS GOOD!
This conversation is (sadly) quite familiar between me and my friends. Never about Pacman, but about videogame chracters, oh yes indeed... all those years of nonsense and I never made logs...doh.
This deserves many awards. Hell, it's so epic that it even deserves a Grammy and Daytime Emmy.
What is this noise I am making?
Is this what people call LOL?
yes they ghost
lol, that was great.... one of the best things I've read on kotaku.
Astounding.
Now this is "Maximum Risky."
Hahaha...That was great.
Thanks for the fun read.
Those graphics we're priceless too.
This is the best post ever, you are a god among men.
I'm glad they hired you.
Horrifying. Truly horrifying. Also brilliant.
ROFL
but but... you know, power pills don't actually have any meat in it (does it?).
So maybe... well... Level 2 is just the result of... aw, forget it.
Classy. And Classic!