My wife let me buy this mask for $15 at Target. She made a horrible mistake.

“The first time you scare me awake wearing that I’m burning it,” she told me as I wandered silently through the retail outlet, turning my head slowly to track the people we passed.

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“Oh don’t worry,” I whispered in reply. “I’ll just sit quietly at the foot of the bed and wait for you to wake up on your own.”

I put it on later that night and quietly approached Wallace, the family dog. Closer. Closer. I tilted my head... and he growled and tried to bite off my face. Excellent.

The children shall be spared. I keep the mask in my office and I’d really like it one day they developed an affinity for stuffed animals.

Angry Teddy Mask is not for them.

Angry Teddy Mask is for everyone else.

So what are your Halloween costume plans?

Contact the author at fahey@kotaku.com or follow him on Twitter at @bunnyspatial. Or don’t bother. He’ll find you.