Christian Animal Racing HELL - Kotaku Comments

Christian Animal Racing HELL

essko — Tue, 22 Jan 2008 02:55:03 MST

A librarian saying you read to many books? Then, saying you have to much of an imagination then spewing random shit about god? and on top of all of that it looks like someone coded the game with their butt?! I must have this.

essko

Christian Animal Racing HELL

BodyOfTheMany — Fri, 18 Jan 2008 22:34:43 MST

the absolute sheer idiocy and creepy surreal nature of this disturbing artifact have rendered me utterly speechless.

BodyOfTheMany

Christian Animal Racing HELL

Datalock — Fri, 18 Jan 2008 06:30:16 MST

@RocketChump:

Real-time weapon swapping and Massive damage too?

Datalock

Christian Animal Racing HELL

JeTSpice — Fri, 18 Jan 2008 01:54:19 MST

Your comments are exactly the type of violence that the world showed Jesus before they nailed him to a cross--unrelenting for no purpose other than wrath. You've jeered like a mob at a man who worked for a year to make a game for his children.

JeTSpice

Christian Animal Racing HELL

BigMoose — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 23:49:52 MST

@sigma7:

Dibbs on her once she turns into a horse

BigMoose

Christian Animal Racing HELL

Erwin — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 20:20:14 MST

I think it's brilliant that a christian game would make the only believer a mentally disabled man child. To nonbelievers in this game, please remember that this is marketed to children, probably to get them interested in religion. Hannah's reaction at 29 sec in sums it up.
And games have been worse:
[www.somethingawful.com]
I actually bought that monstrosity. It's pretty much the same level repeated over and over. Check out the graphics. And you should have seen the bail animations!
@killerrobosaurus: That scared the hell out of me. I thought that he was about to start some shit in the name of god!

Erwin

Christian Animal Racing HELL

pyropetey — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 18:07:20 MST

well i got the demo... minimized it's displaying the name of the program used to make this lol ...
3D game studio
then again its the A6 engine!

not that that matters o_O though the trees graphically remind me of the old school 3d games ahh those were the days

pyropetey

Christian Animal Racing HELL

torsoboy — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 18:03:28 MST

It seems like a joke... But I hope that it's real, because it makes it that much more humorous.

torsoboy

Christian Animal Racing HELL

SirCletus — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 17:48:54 MST

1.) "God can do ANYTHING!" Except make decent textures, apparently.

2.) DANGER. HYDROGEN.

3.) The race announcer's vocal delivery is reminiscent of Uncle Bill from "American Movie."

SirCletus

Christian Animal Racing HELL

nightram — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 17:10:52 MST

Here's the developer name, found in "Credits":
Randall Alaimo

When Googled, all I come up with is more Christian nonsensical stuff.

Did anyone bother to read 'Creature Stories" on the website. Crow's pooping? (with added sfx in the TEXT!). Crows on the moon? This is some of the best comedy writing I've seen in YEARS:

------------------------------------------

"Look Cain!", she declared, "The crows have come out to greet us.", but just then she noticed that the crows were indeed flying overhead, but they also were pooping lots of poop from above (you then click the word poop for fart.wav). As the noise and stench came from above, she shouted aloud, "Quick everyone!" "Let's run into this cave over here!".

Then Hannah noticed that the cave ending was a cliff that dropped down to a deep river far below. Agggh!, she screamed as she fell down. "Oh those nasty crows", she said aloud. "If I could just be on the moon, then there would be no more crows, because crows don't live on the moon!"

Hannah's Moon Trip:

On another day, however, Hannah found herself on a rocket and then afterwards on the moon itself. While on the moon she heard the faint sound of a bird. It was… It was crows! The crows were on the moon! Yes and their crow poop were there also again, but she tried hard to avoid it.

------------------------------------------

GOLD, right?

I just pray it's not meant to be a real "3d interactive zoo game for kids ages 5-13."
I can't imagine what this game would have done to me at that age!

nightram

Christian Animal Racing HELL

waitinthecar — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 16:48:21 MST

@KM91: It's a parody.

Also, on the EXTREME off-chance that right-wing Christians DID in fact create this game, I want some of whatever they're smokin.

waitinthecar

Christian Animal Racing HELL

Paradox — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 16:07:50 MST

I sweat I heard Charlie the Unicorn in there, right when she transformed.

Paradox

Christian Animal Racing HELL

soul4sale — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 15:41:49 MST

Yes, they race so fast that they are shot right out of the Biblical Canon.

This looks like it was rendered in Second Life by a bunch of stoners.

soul4sale

Christian Animal Racing HELL

Murdermonkey — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 15:40:31 MST

Game demo keeps crashing before title screen.

Murdermonkey

Christian Animal Racing HELL

Murdermonkey — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 15:36:07 MST

@Samaridino:
I was crying with laughter at that point.

Murdermonkey

Christian Animal Racing HELL

cynopt — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 15:29:19 MST

This is like that Patton Oswalt joke about the KFC bowls "First time I saw it, I thought it was a Tim and Eric sketch."

I apologize for the pop-culture reference clusterfuck, but that's literally my reaction. This is either elaborate satire, or one more painfully ill-conceived attempt to give kids their religion with mini-games.

How about something historical? You could play as a 15th century priest in some pleasant cartoon village full of colorful peasant types and their curmudgeonly local nobleman, tending to your flock like Animal Crossing or the Sims. See, I'm not even a Christian, and still I've got ideas.

Get with me, religious right, we'll party.

cynopt

Christian Animal Racing HELL

KM91 — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 15:14:22 MST

Other things I should add: James Earl Jones should provide the voice of God. Rock should not be in a Christian video game. Barbed wire was invented in the 1800's. I don't think that metal fences were used in the biblical era. Trains were in invented in the 1800s.

KM91

Christian Animal Racing HELL

KM91 — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 15:05:03 MST

It's so bad it almost makes me feel ashamed to be a Christian.

KM91

Christian Animal Racing HELL

Kitsune Sniper — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 14:53:08 MST

APPROACHING SOUND BARRIER!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kitsune Sniper

Christian Animal Racing HELL

Hylian — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 14:39:23 MST

@Samaridino: ditto

Hylian

Christian Animal Racing HELL

shini — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 14:29:57 MST

They figured out a way to send drugs through the internet. Amazing.

shini

Christian Animal Racing HELL

paroxetine — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 14:12:14 MST

noah's ark isn't limited to the christian religion. noah's ark is believed by abrahamic religions. so you're either singling out christianity, attempting to insult it, or you're leaving our jews, muslims and bahais out of your fun.

paroxetine

Christian Animal Racing HELL

dead_red_eyes — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 14:09:14 MST

What in the hell did I just watch!? Crazy.

dead_red_eyes

Christian Animal Racing HELL

ShikiMSHTS — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 14:01:47 MST

did the pig run head on into the train? ;_;

ShikiMSHTS

Christian Animal Racing HELL

tittergrrl — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 13:36:22 MST

I must say, on their web site they have the backstories for each of the characters.

It's gold, Jerry. GOLD.

tittergrrl

Christian Animal Racing HELL

RocketChump — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 13:13:02 MST

Holyshit! Horses out of cannons! Demonic club light rave dances?!

This game kicks ass! I want it!

I hear they are working on the sequel with better graphics, more brutal weapons, 100 player online and 8 player co-op!

RocketChump

Christian Animal Racing HELL

Allfather Black — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 12:36:10 MST

Holy crap whatever noise that rhino made almost made me S myself... then I did S myself at the sound of the animals running. Thats just offensive.

Allfather Black

Christian Animal Racing HELL

Allfather Black — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 12:35:12 MST

Holy shit, they actually looped the word "...but" rather than just having him say it twice...

Also, the toilet flushing noise and him rising from the depths of Hell behind that box was just surreal, summed up by a cut to the ladys facial reaction.

Allfather Black

Christian Animal Racing HELL

Ali — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 12:21:29 MST

This is amazing.

Ali

Christian Animal Racing HELL

ghostfacelz — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 11:23:54 MST

wow..this game is so full of win. it has everything, pigs wearing tophats, animals being fired from cannons, breakdancing, missle launches....
wow...i think i will get 2 copies just in case.
LOL

ghostfacelz

Christian Animal Racing HELL

slav_9920 — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 11:16:35 MST

I think I saw Rueben the Rhino drop a tab of ecstasy during that disco scene. And shame on Hannah the Horse riding hobo shotgun on that train to win the race. This game is morally bankrupt...

slav_9920

Christian Animal Racing HELL

Ninja-Z — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 11:10:31 MST

At first, I misread the title as "Christian Animal Crossing," and I imagined a game where you are a missionary walking door to door, converting your animal neighbors to Christianity. Oh, and Totake would be a member of a Christian rock band

That would be an awesome game.

Ninja-Z

Christian Animal Racing HELL

Irenicus-the one and only — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 11:05:00 MST

The music added the final tuch this game needed ROFL This game looks sooo freaking ridiculusly FUN :D

Horse- ROCKET RIDE :P

Irenicus-the one and only

Christian Animal Racing HELL

mouroutaru — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 11:02:39 MST

that was simply too awesome to be real. It is amazing to me though how poor of a race announcer God is.

high points for me had to be Danger: Hydrogen (as pointed out by several others), the dance party (was God spinning?), and Creature Races, I must find that book!

mouroutaru

Christian Animal Racing HELL

D-Lish — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 11:01:57 MST

Video games is one vehicle that Scientology may have a leg up in. Sorry Noah, so sorry.

D-Lish

Christian Animal Racing HELL

Crawl to China — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 10:55:42 MST

What did i do to deserve this, Kotaku? why would you embed a youtube video so terrible on your site knowing i would be powerless to stop myself from watching? WHY????

Crawl to China

Christian Animal Racing HELL

MURDERFACE — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 10:27:59 MST

LOL the dude looked like he was reading noah's Ark with one hand. WTF?

but seriously i think that's funny that the Christian folks actually made something that offended me as a gamer.

But it's not the religion that scares me it's the people in it.

But i think the slayer song "Cult" explains it better than i can.

[www.youtube.com]

MURDERFACE

Christian Animal Racing HELL

pyropetey — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 10:10:46 MST

People people! Play the game before judging!

Noted problems:
- Jittery animation
- POOOR control and camera
- Graphical nuances detract from the overall game
- Inane story... but then again this can go both ways

Problems other people would consider:
- sad ass graphics (Just cuz a game looks bad doesnt mean it is bad :P)

Saving traits:
- Plays music throughout
- Creative tracks
- Creative take on racing
- Charming style... (at the end of every race you get full out music and disco dancing!)
- The announcer is GOD! O_o you shall obey!

Overall the game doesn't really deserve much. But do play through it for fun at least. Fortunately this sort of game will actually hold people's attention say for the first 1-3 races? Then it'll be decided on how bent you are going through the game or wanting to explore all the content (which I should tell you, yet again, IS CHARMING).

If I were to rate this versus all the multitude of games I've played. It'll beat the pants off at least half of them simply because there are games that are just crap, have only one saving factor (usually stunning 3d graphics -- as are with many current gen games), or is too redundant!

@Meldy:
NOoope. The cutscene isn't even there! The intro is nicely sectioned off in a button called "The Story"

@Sugoi:
played and working fiiine

@Bokusatsu_Tenshi:
Easily amused are we :D?

pyropetey

Christian Animal Racing HELL

Datalock — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 10:09:18 MST

it sounds like Napoleon Dynamite did the annoucements....on slow-mo.

"anna the horse...congragulations (echo echo)

Datalock

Christian Animal Racing HELL

Argyle — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 10:00:34 MST

I lol'd my pants

Argyle

Christian Animal Racing HELL

Ashkihyena — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 09:49:49 MST

@Smokeblue: Thats what scares me, everyone keeps saying its a joke, but with specs like that, I don't think so.

Ashkihyena

Christian Animal Racing HELL

s0nlxaftrsh0ck — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 09:45:12 MST

Everybody...we're not seeing the big picture here...this is obviously the sequel to..Big Rigs: Over The Road Racing.

s0nlxaftrsh0ck

Christian Animal Racing HELL

kwant — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 09:38:39 MST

It's so bad i wanna play it lol

Pretty sure it's a joke though...

kwant

Christian Animal Racing HELL

sigma7 — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 09:30:39 MST

Dibbs on the atheist librarian chick!

sigma7

Christian Animal Racing HELL

peanutismint — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 09:30:01 MST

Best thing of all time.

peanutismint

Christian Animal Racing HELL

Player2 — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 09:16:37 MST

Is it just me or did I see Santa in hell?

Player2

Christian Animal Racing HELL

Smokeblue — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 09:08:54 MST

Hey, knock it if you must, but just look at these specs:

System Requirements:

Minimum: Pentium 4 - 1.6 GHz or higher - 512 MB RAM
Recommended: Pentium 4 - 2 GHz or higher - 1024 MB RAM - Pixel Shaders 2.0 or above
Windows 98/ME/2000/XP/VISTA
DirectX 9 or greater

Clearly, there's some serious tech behind this game. I suspect they liscensed the CryEngine.

As for the graphics themselves, it's obvious they have the most brilliant art director in years. This is the sort of experimental piece the industry has been needing to get itself taken seriously as a medium.

Smokeblue

Christian Animal Racing HELL

StealthBear — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 09:04:33 MST

Best transition evar:
"Hey, do you think Noah had animal races?"

Damn, we have this shitty game and need a Biblical fiction to apply to it! Other possibilities:

"Hey, do you think the book of Revelations actually took place in the future, and Satan is actually an alien species?"

"Hey, do you think that Moses led the jews out of Egypt on Kawasaki Motorcycles?"

"Hey, do you think that God and the devil played a round of DDR to decide the fate of Job?"

StealthBear

Christian Animal Racing HELL

g0daemon — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 08:49:47 MST

Should be renamed "4 Animals, 1 Cup."

g0daemon

Christian Animal Racing HELL

CZroe — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 08:39:48 MST

Guys, this whole game and website is an elaborate joke. Isn't it obvious?

CZroe

Christian Animal Racing HELL

DarkFalzX — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 08:37:35 MST

Nate128: There is no way I will start a theological debate with you here... not in the wake of this animal racing atrocity: )
I actually own Exodus on Sega Genesis - one of the better bible-based games, unfortunately that really doesn't mean much. All of them are too preachy IMO.
I think it would take someone removed from the religion to make a good Christian game.

DarkFalzX

Christian Animal Racing HELL

Fuzzba11 — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 08:34:59 MST

So awesome, I picked up the demo and was amazed.

Fuzzba11

Christian Animal Racing HELL

rhinohumper — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 08:32:52 MST

wow. just... wow

rhinohumper

Christian Animal Racing HELL

Ghede — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 08:28:59 MST

"Is this uh, uh, a dream?"
wow.
To be fair SOME of the gameplay looks like it would be interesting in a racer, I kind of liked the barrel hill thing, but the overall poor quality and borderline psychotic design decisions make this game qualify for the "Hell" moniker. This isn't the product of drugs, it is the product of one stupid decision after another. It probably started like this: "Let us make a Noah's Ark racing game." "But how do we make it appeal to the player?" "Easy, Make the animals from people." "Brilliant! What animals shall we use?" "A horse, A rhino, a cougar, and a pig in a top-hat." ... "Hmm, our game looks a little unpolished" "Let's release it anyways." ... "Who shall we use for voice acting?" "My cousin can do a pretty funny donald duck impression, he HAS to be a good voice actor." etc, etc, etc.

Ghede

Christian Animal Racing HELL

g0daemon — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 08:26:42 MST

Yipes, just yipes. Hey Cougar Interactive - the Turbo Grafix 16 wants its bad voice acting back.

g0daemon

Christian Animal Racing HELL

theduke282 — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 07:56:43 MST

They are just pushing an unrealistic look for women by having the librarian say she is short, thin, and weak. Ok, in all seriousness that game will make a great gift for all my mortal enemies.

theduke282

Christian Animal Racing HELL

Henglop-Loob — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 07:44:58 MST

That was... Agonizing.

But sorta amusing that the guy with the white hair was the one going "I like animaaaals... do they race?"

Henglop-Loob

Christian Animal Racing HELL

Double J — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 07:41:44 MST

Jesus, this must have been what Dave Bowman felt like when he was traveling through space and time...

Double J

Christian Animal Racing HELL

Danj3ris — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 07:39:28 MST

The game has enough of a fan base right here, that we technically have the power to decide whether it gets a sequel or not.

I'm telling you this, if the game has online multi player, they're making a sequel.

@DarkFalzX: I'd buy that. But they gotta make it offensive enough. Because obviously a game like that, if made well enough, will offend.

Danj3ris

Christian Animal Racing HELL

jaczor — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 07:22:52 MST

Those are some tiny animals right there, I also didn't know there were rhino ponies.

jaczor

Christian Animal Racing HELL

bluehippie — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 07:09:15 MST

it's a joke. The voice of the rhinocerous sounds exactly like the voice of the main character on Xavier: Renegade angel, a show on adult swim. The show goes out of it's way to screw with religion, and the whole thing is done in a second life style. and the show is just as trippy as the trailer

bluehippie

Christian Animal Racing HELL

bluehippie — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 07:06:05 MST

It's a joke. I'm 99.9% positive the voice of the rhinocerous is the voice of Xavier: Renegade Angel on adult swim. The show goes out of it's way to screw with religion and the whole thing is as trippy as the game trailer

bluehippie

Christian Animal Racing HELL

EmeraldDragon — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 06:58:47 MST

Why did the woman in red turn into a pig with a top hat?

EmeraldDragon

Christian Animal Racing HELL

SamKablam — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 06:56:00 MST

Quote the librarian: "I think you read too much...You have too much imagination." With librarians like her, no wonder kids aren't reading anymore.

Also, the company's rewards seem more like a report from the doctor saying your STD free...something you don't to tell people you needed to have checked in the first place.

SamKablam

Christian Animal Racing HELL

xtimrs — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 06:53:49 MST

I think Reuben is modeled after JT.

xtimrs

Christian Animal Racing HELL

Mink_Car — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 06:26:16 MST

"You need to get a brain, Reuben."

I also love his expression when he says "Yes Hannah?"

Mink_Car

Christian Animal Racing HELL

scumm_boy — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 06:04:31 MST

Noah had a bitchin' dance club!

scumm_boy

Christian Animal Racing HELL

Solaris79 — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 06:01:11 MST

I love the depressed announcer. "Cheer up little guy, the race is almost over!"

Solaris79

Christian Animal Racing HELL

Akin — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 05:54:34 MST

speaking of horrible acting, this is related:
[www.youtube.com]
Oh, look at those low rates!

Akin

Christian Animal Racing HELL

MrLister — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 05:20:50 MST

Wow! That horse can DANCE!

MrLister

Christian Animal Racing HELL

TalKeaton — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 05:18:57 MST

WOW.

This is awful.

Why can't ANYONE make a decent Christian game? The talent's out there... and yet we get stuff like this.

I'm gonna have to do something about this.

TalKeaton

Christian Animal Racing HELL

$Bill$G$ — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 05:06:04 MST

Well there's 3 minutes of my life that i'll never get back again. I couldn't bear to sit through the whole thing.

Just goes to prove that religion fucks everything up, even computer games.

$Bill$G$

Christian Animal Racing HELL

killerrobosaurus — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 05:02:23 MST

haha i love the clip from 1:40 to 1:50 where his arm drifts slowly across his body

killerrobosaurus

Christian Animal Racing HELL

hurtle — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 04:41:02 MST

I gotta say that watching this reminded me *exactly* of the crappy acting, writing and general low quality of the "story" bits of porno movies.

Forget about the military-industrial complex, this game proves the existance of the religion-porno complex.

hurtle

Christian Animal Racing HELL

Wolfkin — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 04:19:51 MST

Award Winning 3D Game? what the heck? What awards would this win?

Wolfkin

Christian Animal Racing HELL

Sheogorath — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 04:07:21 MST

Man...this would've been GREAT as a mod for Jedi Knight II. I would've downloaded it in a flash.

Sheogorath

Christian Animal Racing HELL

j13 — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 04:06:25 MST

Seriously, I think this looks WAY better than that M&M Kart Racing game.

Sign me up!

j13

Christian Animal Racing HELL

Serreah — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 03:30:29 MST

Wow I just finished play the demo and found you can bunnyhop like nobody's business. It's fast enough that using the cougar you can take about a 50+ second break when you get to the last area with Noah before you see any other animals.

Serreah

Christian Animal Racing HELL

Taco Bell™ — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 02:58:46 MST

This is so funny. Jesus, I can't imagine anything this bad being so good!

Taco Bell™

Christian Animal Racing HELL

kennyd1 — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 02:51:55 MST

If this is a joke, it's both funny and well executed. If not... then god help us all!

kennyd1

Christian Animal Racing HELL

Miharu — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 02:43:05 MST

That clip made my day. The acting was so ridiculous ^^

Miharu

Christian Animal Racing HELL

Highlander Wolf — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 02:26:23 MST

@BigMoose:
Oh dear. Then it's true about the sound effect being... inappropriate? Naughty, naughty devs.

Highlander Wolf

Christian Animal Racing HELL

cheeseboybeans — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 02:17:00 MST

that guy's walk is FANTASTIC

cheeseboybeans

Christian Animal Racing HELL

SkyChicken — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 02:16:20 MST

that was the dumbest crap I have ever seen!

SkyChicken

Christian Animal Racing HELL

WhoreofSpamylon — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 02:02:11 MST

I thought I should point out that the developer seems to be doing PR work on the Youtube page.

[www.youtube.com]

WhoreofSpamylon

Christian Animal Racing HELL

muscrat_01 — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 01:29:40 MST

@Moose: And the others are purley from people (ahem the developers) voting on sites.
Jeez this is halarious and terrible at the same time

muscrat_01

Christian Animal Racing HELL

BigMoose — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 01:18:06 MST

On what Reuben is doing behind the desk, Randall, one of the developers, said:

"I don't know, use your imagination. :-) Maybe he was trying to get Hannah's attention? Haha! :-)"

I think that just made it twice as disturbing...

BigMoose

Christian Animal Racing HELL

minasodaboy — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 01:16:33 MST

@minasodaboy:

ohhhhhhhhhhh. ok. if you watch noah's animal adventure ([www.youtube.com]) you would see that the deer needed his 'favorite' cowboy hat to keep his head warm. so obviously the pig needed the top hat to keep his bacon crispy.

also, noah brings a sheep a soccer ball. in stonehenge. so he'll go to the ark. i'm not kidding.

minasodaboy

Christian Animal Racing HELL

Exx0dus — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 01:14:20 MST

I hear Uwe Boll just signed for the movie adaptation.

Exx0dus

Christian Animal Racing HELL

waitinthecar — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 01:13:18 MST

LMAO at anyone who thinks this is a serious attempt to make a good game. Although, if you factor in comedy, it's pretty f'ing solid. This seems like the sort of game Tim & Eric would make. It is both phenomenal and disturbing.

There's a certain creepiness to the old-school graphics in the "hell" segments of the race. Several parts gave me late night "Rise of the Triad" flashbacks.

I'm definitely going to have nightmares tonight.

waitinthecar

Christian Animal Racing HELL

Moose — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 01:11:38 MST

Did you anyone else actually look at their "awards"? Two of them are for it not being filled with spyware haha

Moose

Christian Animal Racing HELL

aslum — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 01:10:09 MST

I don't think that's what a rhino sounds like.

aslum

Christian Animal Racing HELL

Bokusatsu_Tenshi — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 01:10:03 MST

ROFLCOPTER
Humanity never ceases to amaze me.

Bokusatsu_Tenshi

Christian Animal Racing HELL

mind in rewind — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 01:03:09 MST

Deeeesco dancing!

mind in rewind

Christian Animal Racing HELL

Oyn — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 01:00:09 MST

That's about the worst game I've seen since Crazy Frog Racer.

Oyn

Christian Animal Racing HELL

otakufaith — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 00:56:17 MST

I like how Noah 'played' with the animals... and um at about 2;40 wtf did he pee in the library after he 'races her??

otakufaith

Christian Animal Racing HELL

BigMoose — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 00:55:28 MST

The game costs $17.77

The soundtrack costs $7.77

Oh the wit

BigMoose

Christian Animal Racing HELL

Maldron — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 00:54:59 MST

I played Captain Bible in the Dome of Darkness, and I liked it.

What now, yo? WHAT NOW.

Maldron

Christian Animal Racing HELL

Sugoi — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 00:46:07 MST

I find it unbelievable that anyone could try and sell something this horrible. Even Bibleman, horrible as it was, was light years ahead of this...this... ABOMINATION!

I'd try the demo, but I'm scared it might make my computer commit suicide.

Sugoi

Christian Animal Racing HELL

ReductiveNut — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 00:44:54 MST

Did I just Stroke off there for a minute, or did my candy have an LSD core?

I feel like i was visually raped by earthworm Jim.

ReductiveNut

Christian Animal Racing HELL

Cameroo — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 00:44:02 MST

Wow, this is a close tie to animal soccer world here.

[www.youtube.com]

Cameroo

Christian Animal Racing HELL

Superman — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 00:37:45 MST

lol... hahahahaha... this made my day. Seriously. I think that this game wins the "Worst Game of 2008" award and we're not even a month in.

Superman

Christian Animal Racing HELL

Fangeh — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 00:36:47 MST

Oh God, the music even is hilarious. The singer sounds like Gob from Arrested Development.

Fangeh

Christian Animal Racing HELL

rateoforange — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 00:31:28 MST

@TOTOENGIMA:

Man, it's good to know I wasn't the only one that lol'd at "Danger: Hydrogen"

rateoforange

Christian Animal Racing HELL

Meldy — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 00:28:22 MST

Fucking hell...
"Do you think Noah raced the animals and had fun with the animals after the flood?"
"Yeah, he raced the unicorns with the cheetahs - didn't make that mistake twice!"

"Race me Hanna! Race me!"

And what's the betting this is an unskippable cut scenebefore every single race?

Meldy

Christian Animal Racing HELL

strix — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 00:28:18 MST

Wow the animation is absolutely horrid. I've seen much better low budget stop motion claymation better then this.

strix

Christian Animal Racing HELL

Scooter — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 00:27:02 MST

You need to get a brain, Ruben.

Scooter

Christian Animal Racing HELL

BigMoose — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 00:24:01 MST

@HikariOblivion:
3D Movie Maker is Pixar compared to that stuff...

BigMoose

Christian Animal Racing HELL

BigMoose — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 00:22:57 MST

@thepolyamerouscoz:
I think only God can save you now.

Wait...

Damnit, you're screwed.

BigMoose

Christian Animal Racing HELL

HikariOblivion — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 00:22:18 MST

HikariOblivion

Christian Animal Racing HELL

Ashkihyena — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 00:18:15 MST

Oh my God, that was bad, the way the guy moved at the beginning, and animation, just, everything about this is bad, bad, bad, BAD!!

The rhino sound, and the fact that they're all the same size, yikes.

Ashkihyena

Christian Animal Racing HELL

sanyo — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 00:17:10 MST

I want to claw my face off now.

sanyo

Christian Animal Racing HELL

muscrat_01 — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 00:13:50 MST

That is quite possibly one of the funniest things i have watched in ages.

muscrat_01

Christian Animal Racing HELL

coop510 — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 00:12:49 MST

and in my suicide note... the url to this video...

coop510

Christian Animal Racing HELL

VenoMuS — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 00:11:12 MST

this video needed to be shortened to around 30secs and ended with gieant letters reading "DONT DO DRUGS!!!!"

VenoMuS

Christian Animal Racing HELL

Nate128 — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 00:11:09 MST

@DarkFalzX: I see what you did there. You used the word "mythology" in reference to Christianity. Not cool. But you're entitled to what you think.

There used to be a pretty sweet game called Exodus for the NES that was Christian themed. I'm pretty sure it was a re-skinned clone of a lode-runner type game, but I remember sinking plenty of hours into it when I was a little kid.

Maybe someday we'll get a good game that explores faith or religion without being a "Bible Adventures" type game. But imagine the controversy. It's the reason why the friggin' hospitals in the USA version of EarthBound had the "+" sign removed because it resembled a cross (even though it was just a regular hospital sign) and NOA thought that something that resembled a cross might offend someone.

Nate128

Christian Animal Racing HELL

Schmeg Peg — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 00:10:51 MST

EVERYONE should download the trial. When you beat the trial level, NOAH is there and there's FIREWORKS and FLAGS! It was very disappointing that the trial didn't have the cannon though, instead the equivalent was crashing through some stained glass maze to be flung into an underground cavern.

Schmeg Peg

Christian Animal Racing HELL

VishusBurn — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 00:10:14 MST

WTF did I just watch?
This seems like one of those games that they intentionally make so bad just to gain word of mouth and occult novelty.

VishusBurn

Christian Animal Racing HELL

Cozwic — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 00:08:21 MST

I sit here, alone in the dark with my face lit by a lonely monitor that sits before me. For the first time since I've had this monitor, I thought I had opened the gates of hell through this monitor.
My pants are wet with fear, my shirt is soaked in sweat, and my heart is racing at the chaos I have witnessed within 8 minutes.
I am now scared for my life, I know that menacing rhino will return, for he did not finish the race....and he wants my soul for it!!!!
~*Shudders in fear*~

Cozwic

Christian Animal Racing HELL

phinehas — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 00:04:36 MST

HahAhahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

The way the horse moves!

And then the cannons!

And then the disco being chaperoned by an inanimate Noah!

phinehas

Christian Animal Racing HELL

baberg — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 00:04:35 MST

Finally, a game that can break me of my WoW addiction! I've been waiting for something as deep and innovative as this game to come along!

Invest in this company now, while you can! It's going to go through the roof!

baberg

Christian Animal Racing HELL

thinkfreemind — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 00:04:25 MST

It really is a shame all these Christian games are so bad.

thinkfreemind

Christian Animal Racing HELL

Pornosaur — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 00:00:05 MST

This is the reason God created youtube.com

Pornosaur

Christian Animal Racing HELL

zoesch — Wed, 16 Jan 2008 23:59:37 MST

Did they race in hell? (Or to be precise a really shitty copy of circle of death/bloodfall maps from Doom II)

zoesch

Christian Animal Racing HELL

bigfry — Wed, 16 Jan 2008 23:58:07 MST

At first I thought it looked like something out of the 90's, but this is really the second coming of Crysis, or pre, or something...

System Requirements:
Minimum: Pentium 4 - 1.6 GHz or higher - 512 MB RAM
Recommended: Pentium 4 - 2 GHz or higher - 1024 MB RAM - Pixel Shaders 2.0 or above
Windows 98/ME/2000/XP/VISTA
DirectX 9 or greater

bigfry

Christian Animal Racing HELL

Schmeg Peg — Wed, 16 Jan 2008 23:57:34 MST

@legacyed: It's real. Go to the website and click Download on the left side! HAHAHA it just finished downloading for me, I can't wait to throw up!

Schmeg Peg

Christian Animal Racing HELL

SanjiX — Wed, 16 Jan 2008 23:55:04 MST

This just proves that religion influences bad games. This is as bad as the Bibleman GBA-ish game that we saw a few months ago. Like come on guys, make a Jesus RPG where he like has a battle to the death with satan.

As for this, wow. Just wow. I never thought of anything like this. The only good part is with the Horse Cannon/Rockets. I swear you'll never see that in any other game.

SanjiX

Christian Animal Racing HELL

EightBit — Wed, 16 Jan 2008 23:54:24 MST

Hmm, they should put Sonic in this. Then it will sell like crazy.

EightBit

Christian Animal Racing HELL

Tom Clancy's Samuraidino — Wed, 16 Jan 2008 23:53:49 MST

@SkutSkut: I thought that moment alone put crysis's physics to shame

Tom Clancy's Samuraidino

Christian Animal Racing HELL

SkutSkut — Wed, 16 Jan 2008 23:51:29 MST

@Samaridino: lol that elephant hitting the tree was awesome

SkutSkut

Christian Animal Racing HELL

theboyfrombrasil — Wed, 16 Jan 2008 23:50:55 MST

WHOA

WHAT

THE

FUCK?

sorry.. glitches..

theboyfrombrasil

Christian Animal Racing HELL

Morberis — Wed, 16 Jan 2008 23:49:25 MST

HER FACE, HER FACE!!! Garr my eyes.

Morberis

Christian Animal Racing HELL

legacyed — Wed, 16 Jan 2008 23:46:04 MST

this is NOT real. it looks like a shitty video someone made in second life.

legacyed

Christian Animal Racing HELL

BOMxAgonyxScenex — Wed, 16 Jan 2008 23:43:56 MST

omg..i couldnt get through the first min of this video

BOMxAgonyxScenex

Christian Animal Racing HELL

slacker164 — Wed, 16 Jan 2008 23:42:18 MST

Oh my god... It just gets more and more screwed up as it goes on. It was hilarious at first with the horrid dialog, acting, and animation, but then it just moves to another level when god starts talking and the music kicks in. XD

This is probably the strangest video I've ever seen posted on Kotaku... and there have been some other crazy ones. Thanks, Brian! This is amazing. ^^

slacker164

Christian Animal Racing HELL

Serreah — Wed, 16 Jan 2008 23:41:27 MST

So does anyone plan on trying the demo?

Serreah

Christian Animal Racing HELL

Demolition Debbie — Wed, 16 Jan 2008 23:41:12 MST

BAHAHAHA!!
Everything about this is HILARIOUS!

Demolition Debbie

Christian Animal Racing HELL

huginn — Wed, 16 Jan 2008 23:40:36 MST

@Sabre_Justice: Cause not even furries are this bad.....

Seriously, it looks like they just moded second life and tried to sell it.

huginn

Christian Animal Racing HELL

jiSh — Wed, 16 Jan 2008 23:40:27 MST

Can this be real? *Wafts away purple haze* UGH the video is still there! Damn you all!

jiSh

Christian Animal Racing HELL

BigMoose — Wed, 16 Jan 2008 23:40:06 MST

@fyren: The soundtrack is already on its way

BigMoose

Christian Animal Racing HELL

deathsyth8888 — Wed, 16 Jan 2008 23:39:41 MST

My eyes they burn at the horror that is this game! I'm pretty sure its the devil's work. Plus I want whatever drugs the people who think this is "fun" are taking, on second thought, I don't.

deathsyth8888

Christian Animal Racing HELL

DarkFalzX — Wed, 16 Jan 2008 23:39:30 MST

Uggghhh.. why can't there EVER be a good christianity-based game? I mean, the mythology is all there, and not any worse than Greek, Roman or Norse.
Take for example the battle of Jericho. Make the art style something like Prince of Persia meets Panzer Dragoon meets H.R. Geiger, and make it the darkest, bloodiest, most vile and twisted beat-em-up ever! FTW!

DarkFalzX

Christian Animal Racing HELL

brandechh — Wed, 16 Jan 2008 23:37:51 MST

...

I... I don't know what to say...

Maybe they can follow up with a Grand Canyon-themed brawler.

brandechh

Christian Animal Racing HELL

Achenar — Wed, 16 Jan 2008 23:36:59 MST

I just love how the store sells it in what look like recycled jewel cases with $50-printer printed labels. Plus, well. You can buy the SOUNDTRACK.

That's just....wow. Uh.

Achenar

Christian Animal Racing HELL

2th — Wed, 16 Jan 2008 23:36:35 MST

wow this is GOD awful... LOL

2th

Christian Animal Racing HELL

Gouki4u — Wed, 16 Jan 2008 23:36:25 MST

Hey at least the horse can turn faster than the one in Oblivion.

Gouki4u

Christian Animal Racing HELL

totoengima — Wed, 16 Jan 2008 23:36:04 MST

ROFL
Danger: Hydrogen

totoengima

Christian Animal Racing HELL

xpnet — Wed, 16 Jan 2008 23:35:42 MST

That CANNON ROCKED!!

xpnet

Christian Animal Racing HELL

BigMoose — Wed, 16 Jan 2008 23:35:41 MST

Horses on rockets?

Sign me up!

BigMoose

Christian Animal Racing HELL

Tom Clancy's Samuraidino — Wed, 16 Jan 2008 23:33:41 MST

[www.youtube.com]

Noah's Adventures from the same folks....Oh god..they are fighting again

Tom Clancy's Samuraidino

Christian Animal Racing HELL

Doomstink — Wed, 16 Jan 2008 23:32:48 MST

I think it's pretty obviously a joke, seeing as how the librarian tells the dude that reading a dictionary would be more interesting than the Bible.

Doomstink

Christian Animal Racing HELL

xtraman — Wed, 16 Jan 2008 23:30:44 MST

omg wtf is this!!!
had to of come out a while ago maybe 95-96..
this is soo bad in like a good way!
thx for sharing!!
i just posted this vid on some of my buddies myspace
hahha

xtraman

Christian Animal Racing HELL

InsidiousTuna — Wed, 16 Jan 2008 23:29:53 MST

@seefresh: Why?

InsidiousTuna

Christian Animal Racing HELL

bysty — Wed, 16 Jan 2008 23:28:52 MST

I forgot to say: the moment at 2:37 is incredibly disturbing. Nightmares.

bysty

Christian Animal Racing HELL

GoKeithGo — Wed, 16 Jan 2008 23:28:31 MST

That is one of the best things I've seen in my life! When is the Wii/PS3/XB360 version coming out?

GoKeithGo

Christian Animal Racing HELL

Rengenki — Wed, 16 Jan 2008 23:28:02 MST

that was frikkin trippy. i wanna see a high person watch this.

Rengenki

Christian Animal Racing HELL

MingTheMagnificent — Wed, 16 Jan 2008 23:27:23 MST

Wow, hands down, the best rhinoceros sounds effect ever..

MingTheMagnificent

Christian Animal Racing HELL

bysty — Wed, 16 Jan 2008 23:26:43 MST

Wow. Just... wow.

I want.

bysty

Christian Animal Racing HELL

seefresh — Wed, 16 Jan 2008 23:25:03 MST

penis

seefresh

Christian Animal Racing HELL

Tale — Wed, 16 Jan 2008 23:25:01 MST

This is the product of either drugs or a programming course at a religious school.

Tale

Christian Animal Racing HELL

Tom Clancy's Samuraidino — Wed, 16 Jan 2008 23:24:04 MST

Oh sweet christ...they disco dancing with moses...with what appears to be the ark of the covenant being used as disco lights

Tom Clancy's Samuraidino

Christian Animal Racing HELL

Highlander Wolf — Wed, 16 Jan 2008 23:23:32 MST

This clip makes no sense whatsoever!! Tell the people!

Highlander Wolf

Christian Animal Racing HELL

SilverStar95 — Wed, 16 Jan 2008 23:22:25 MST

That game looks like absolute half-past refried ASS and bean burritos.

And no, not even furs would want to play that shit. I just asked some. They got sick from how bad it looked.

SilverStar95

Christian Animal Racing HELL

Sabre_Justice: Okay, no more long name. — Wed, 16 Jan 2008 23:21:39 MST

...this game was quite clearly made under the influence of various drugs.

*brain collapses in on itself*

Sabre_Justice: Okay, no more long name.

Christian Animal Racing HELL

Tom Clancy's Samuraidino — Wed, 16 Jan 2008 23:20:38 MST

Also...is that really what a rhinosaurus sounds like?

Tom Clancy's Samuraidino

Christian Animal Racing HELL

Fyren — Wed, 16 Jan 2008 23:20:18 MST

[www.zoorace.com]

There you go, major hotness store.

Fyren

Christian Animal Racing HELL

Ambitious009 — Wed, 16 Jan 2008 23:20:14 MST

LOL, this game is so stupid it's funny. " Race me Hanna, Race me"

Ambitious009

Christian Animal Racing HELL

SDafra — Wed, 16 Jan 2008 23:19:22 MST

LOL at woman's expression at 2:40.

SDafra

Christian Animal Racing HELL

The Vampire Raziel — Wed, 16 Jan 2008 23:19:14 MST

omfg.....i....have nothing to say

The Vampire Raziel

Christian Animal Racing HELL

Tom Clancy's Samuraidino — Wed, 16 Jan 2008 23:19:03 MST

What in the name of The Announcer is going on at 2:37

Is he going to the bathroom behind that desk!?

Tom Clancy's Samuraidino

Christian Animal Racing HELL

TheCleaningGuy — Wed, 16 Jan 2008 23:18:33 MST

@TheCleaningGuy: Forgot to add, the VO work will forever be burned into my mind. "No, I like books about animals."

TheCleaningGuy

Christian Animal Racing HELL

theblade — Wed, 16 Jan 2008 23:18:24 MST

wow,,,, i havent seen graphics that shitty since nintendo...

theblade

Christian Animal Racing HELL

Fyren — Wed, 16 Jan 2008 23:18:07 MST

OMG, greatest OST EVARRRR.

Fyren

Christian Animal Racing HELL

Sabre_Justice: Okay, no more long name. — Wed, 16 Jan 2008 23:18:03 MST

...wait, WTF? We have a 45 year old man in a suit with the mind of a 4 year old. It's not pushing a 'SCIENCE IZ EBIL GOD IS GUD' agenda, it's just... *brain cracks*

Sabre_Justice: Okay, no more long name.

Christian Animal Racing HELL

Atsumori — Wed, 16 Jan 2008 23:17:17 MST

DANGER: Hydrogen

Atsumori

Christian Animal Racing HELL

logicaldefense — Wed, 16 Jan 2008 23:17:17 MST

is watching this a sin?

logicaldefense

Christian Animal Racing HELL

TheCleaningGuy — Wed, 16 Jan 2008 23:16:57 MST

I...
uh...
That made Megaman Legends animation look fluid and natural.
Where can I renounce my religion, BTW?

TheCleaningGuy

Christian Animal Racing HELL

Sabre_Justice: Okay, no more long name. — Wed, 16 Jan 2008 23:16:07 MST

@minasodaboy: Animal Farm reference?

I'm surprised nobody's mentioned furries.

Sabre_Justice: Okay, no more long name.

Christian Animal Racing HELL

minasodaboy — Wed, 16 Jan 2008 23:15:11 MST

also, how cool is it that they got the windows me music visualizer for their party...awesome.

minasodaboy

Christian Animal Racing HELL

SilverStar95 — Wed, 16 Jan 2008 23:15:03 MST

...this hurts. So, SO bad.

SilverStar95

Christian Animal Racing HELL

Maldron — Wed, 16 Jan 2008 23:14:02 MST

Sweet zombie moses, that was horrendous.

Maldron

Christian Animal Racing HELL

InsidiousTuna — Wed, 16 Jan 2008 23:13:55 MST

I prefer the Bible Game. Best 5 bucks I ever spent.

InsidiousTuna

Christian Animal Racing HELL

Trochan — Wed, 16 Jan 2008 23:13:39 MST

I'm changing my religion to buddhism.

Trochan

Christian Animal Racing HELL

Klaymen — Wed, 16 Jan 2008 23:13:30 MST

Boy that writer's strike is sure having far reaching effects....

And this had better be a joke. I don't know how it couldn't be....

Klaymen

Christian Animal Racing HELL

taftsearlobe23 — Wed, 16 Jan 2008 23:12:44 MST

Jesus is magic

taftsearlobe23

Christian Animal Racing HELL

dafthero — Wed, 16 Jan 2008 23:12:39 MST

was the script penned by a five yr old?

dafthero

Christian Animal Racing HELL

Fyren — Wed, 16 Jan 2008 23:12:28 MST

I lol'd hardcore.

Fyren

Christian Animal Racing HELL

minasodaboy — Wed, 16 Jan 2008 23:11:59 MST

why is the pig wearing a top hat...that is NOT in the bible.

minasodaboy

Christian Animal Racing HELL

KEITH1437 — Wed, 16 Jan 2008 23:11:42 MST

Now all they need is a game where you are at the ladt supper. :|

KEITH1437

Christian Animal Racing HELL

CrimsonSin — Wed, 16 Jan 2008 23:11:14 MST

God = Greatest Announcer Ever

CrimsonSin

Christian Animal Racing HELL

Bewildered_Ronin — Wed, 16 Jan 2008 23:09:07 MST

Finally! I need something new to play after finally putting down Bible Adventures.

Bewildered_Ronin