Joust: The Movie: For Real - Kotaku Comments

Joust: The Movie: For Real

exion — Mon, 07 Jul 2008 21:31:33 MDT

I can die happy!

I was going to acctually make a joust screenplay prior to hearing about this!

exion

Joust: The Movie: For Real

Tarislar — Tue, 28 Aug 2007 19:42:20 MDT

Damn guys, is there no dusty sepulcher of childhood memories that they will leave un-plundered?

What's next, Pong: the movie, action figures and graphic novel?

Tarislar

Joust: The Movie: For Real

keyransolo — Tue, 28 Aug 2007 18:49:21 MDT

This is insane lol.

keyransolo

Joust: The Movie: For Real

Jawajoey — Tue, 28 Aug 2007 17:02:57 MDT

Holy Jeebus. Of all the old semi-popular arcade titles, they chose Joust? Even among us people who know that the hell Joust is, it's just Joust. They better not be counting on the name alone to capitalize on.

Jawajoey

Joust: The Movie: For Real

KM91 — Tue, 28 Aug 2007 15:41:20 MDT

Joust had a story?

KM91

Joust: The Movie: For Real

capnjack — Tue, 28 Aug 2007 13:24:43 MDT

Will it be better than Bloodrayne? LOL

capnjack

Joust: The Movie: For Real

tattattakumi — Tue, 28 Aug 2007 12:22:16 MDT

I wonder which is worse...the Sims the movie, or this.

tattattakumi

Joust: The Movie: For Real

BloggyMcBlogBlog — Tue, 28 Aug 2007 09:01:15 MDT

I want Burgertime..The Movie:
A story about one young chef who must battle evil food and his inner demons.

BloggyMcBlogBlog

Joust: The Movie: For Real

eugaet — Tue, 28 Aug 2007 08:29:52 MDT

@Reneg: Wasn't this a pretty terrible game?

What? You're joking, right? Do yourself a favor and seek this game out at an old arcade. It's a classic and, in my opinion, still a hell of a lot of fun today.

I'm interested to see how this could possibly be made into a movie, although Jackablade is probably right.

eugaet

Joust: The Movie: For Real

Xylophone — Tue, 28 Aug 2007 08:20:17 MDT

Why go for Joust, when Jet Set Willy is clearly a fantastic opportunity for a Ben Stiller/Will Ferrell feature?

Xylophone

Joust: The Movie: For Real

saxifridge — Tue, 28 Aug 2007 07:49:17 MDT

@Jackablade:

DUDE! You should write screen plays!!!!!!!!!!!!

saxifridge

Joust: The Movie: For Real

Jackablade — Tue, 28 Aug 2007 06:22:56 MDT

@Original Article
"...We took one element of the game and the brand itself and built a whole new world around it for the film... The film is set 25 years in the future and includes a Las Vegas suspended in mid-air..."

So lets do some speculation then, shall we. The Mad Max reference is presumably a post apocalyptic world where people have taken to riding giant, armoured birds through the desert due to lack of fuel. Jousting and gladiatorial aren't all that far removed from eachother. Story-wise, my money's on a remake of Black Beauty, or any of a number of other animal related sports movies.

My synopsis: A downtrodden young boy (or girl) finds an egg in the desert that has been left when its mother was killed or brutally captured by the antagonist of the film. The child raises the ostrich chick and with the help of a washed up old jousting veteran, trains for and then participates in a jousting tournament, the champion of which is the very man who killed the ostrich's parent.

I'd be willing to bet a sizable portion of my meagre income that I'm at least 75% correct.

Jackablade

Joust: The Movie: For Real

Lanky Bugger — Tue, 28 Aug 2007 06:06:18 MDT

See, I keep telling people that Uwe Boll's movie, bad as they are, can at least be deemed credible attempts. What the man lacks in talent (at least as far as serious films go) he more than makes up for with his passion forthe things. Sure, House of the Dead, Alone in the Dark and Bloodrayne were all terrible.

But at least they tried, just a bit. At least they possess some entertainment value, if only for sitting around with a few friends and laughing.

This is schlock. Schlock designed from the ground up to be whatever random movie they could scrape up the script and budget for, and then staple the Joust name to it. If feels like CP Productions is just picking up bargain bin movie rights for their stuff.

At least Uwe bothers to pick up the rights to games made within the last decade.

Lanky Bugger

Joust: The Movie: For Real

Jakaricat1 — Tue, 28 Aug 2007 05:55:56 MDT

wow. Joust. Look out DOOM, DOA, & House of the Dead.. we have a new contender coming for worst videogame movie EVER. House of the Dead.. shudder. I still get chills when i think about that P.O.S.

Jakaricat1

Joust: The Movie: For Real

L_K_M — Tue, 28 Aug 2007 05:28:29 MDT

@Fetusfryer: Shila LeBouf???

L_K_M

Joust: The Movie: For Real

L_K_M — Tue, 28 Aug 2007 05:27:14 MDT

@Moonshadow101: Yeah. As long as you can hit other jousters on the head with your lance, and they turn into eggs (or something, the last time I played it was on the VCS 2600), it's a done deal! :-)

L_K_M

Joust: The Movie: For Real

Fetusfryer — Tue, 28 Aug 2007 03:15:45 MDT

"...CP Productions has also acquired the rights to the famous 'Tetris' video game. The company states the premise will be "Labyrinth meets the Saw movie franchise." Lindsay Lohan plays a drunken prostitute led into a strange building by a mysterious man, ( Played by Jim Carrey) after a party with her 3 good friends, (Played by Shila LeBouf, Paris Hilton in her first Oscar worthy performance since 'Backyard Sluts 3: Flaming Breasts', and Dakota Fanning).

As the three friends become trapped in a vacant room that seems to stretch for miles, the mysterious man gives them two options. Either dodge the onslaught of giant falling polygon blocks, or be crushed in their wake. Will they ever escape from the mysterious man's challenge, and who is the mysterious person, (Played by Sean Connery) trapped with them? CP productions is proud to announce that "TETRIS: The Movie " will premier in theatres September of next year, just in time for Oscar buzz.

Fetusfryer

Joust: The Movie: For Real

Snukadaman_ — Tue, 28 Aug 2007 02:03:53 MDT

@supercrap:
hahaha good one.

Snukadaman_

Joust: The Movie: For Real

supercrap — Tue, 28 Aug 2007 01:56:42 MDT

I hope they don't use CGI for the Pterodactyl glitch, that'll only make the movie look dated down the line...

supercrap

Joust: The Movie: For Real

Lard — Tue, 28 Aug 2007 01:43:19 MDT

I'm waiting for Miner 2049'er - The Movie

Lard

Joust: The Movie: For Real

Witzbold — Tue, 28 Aug 2007 01:26:56 MDT

Im scared, very, very scared.

Witzbold

Joust: The Movie: For Real

Snukadaman_ — Tue, 28 Aug 2007 00:50:16 MDT

Might as well make a movie about the Sims. Oh wait..they are.

Snukadaman_

Joust: The Movie: For Real

Insomnia Bob — Tue, 28 Aug 2007 00:24:23 MDT

@Marlor: You know, I could SEE Defender. Story of a young pilot, defending the people of earth from whatever. Galaga, same deal. Only with space insects. Centipede, well, maybe.

But, seriously, what the fuck can you do with flying Ostriches? Oh, wait, player 2 was riding an emu. Okay, so you've got TWO supposedly flightless birds to work with. And then... what? Try to make a Fantasy Epic? Shudder.

What is it going to take for someone to make a decent video game? The closest we've ever come to a GOOD video game movie was, in my estimation, Silent Hill. And even saying that requires me to indulge in a liberal amount of self-deception.

I thought we were making progress. Silent Hill was a least a decent try, and stayed mostly with the source material. The RE3 trailer looks like it's going in a new direction, one that doesn't make me want to eat a bullet. It might not reside in the same continuity as the games, but hey, that's the LEAST we've come to expect.

Then, along comes the Dead or Alive movie. So bad, I was struck BLIND just watching the trailer. You can expect to hear from my lawyer, Jamie Presley.

And now, this. God... I find myself pining for the bad video game movies of the previous decade. They were bad, but at least not insultingly so.

Sure, Dennis Hopper as Bowser in the Mario Bros. movies was... well, totally fucked up. And, in fact, I keep getting his performance there confused with Blue Velvet, but that's a whole other story. The point is, people with REAL talent got involved in those days.

They didn't understand the source material, maybe. Hadn't ever played A video game, let alone the one the movie was going to be about. And couldn't be bothered to find out anything about the source material that was outside the script. But at least they had some real talent that shined through, sometimes. People like Bob Hoskins, John Leguizamo, Robert Patrick, Alyssa Milano's breasts.

Now we don't even get that. We literally get the bottom of the Hollywood barrel, and it shows.

Insomnia Bob

Joust: The Movie: For Real

CyberSkull — Mon, 27 Aug 2007 23:16:20 MDT

You mean that there is story to be mined here?

CyberSkull

Joust: The Movie: For Real

Trystero — Mon, 27 Aug 2007 23:15:16 MDT

My brain just died. Let's review, shall we? "The Day the Earth Stood Still" is being remade, featuring Keanu Reeves as Klaatu, and now Joust is being made into a movie? Blarg, I am dead. On the other hand, I know they're just using the game as a point of inspiration. So maybe they won't emphasize its videogame origin. I can hope...I'm not sure for what, though.

Trystero

Joust: The Movie: For Real

zymase — Mon, 27 Aug 2007 23:10:51 MDT

Four quadrants? Why am I so compelled to find out in which part of this oversimplified marketing strategy I belong?

zymase

Joust: The Movie: For Real

flatluigi — Mon, 27 Aug 2007 23:04:31 MDT

...

What? Really?

flatluigi

Joust: The Movie: For Real

Mr. Sadistic — Mon, 27 Aug 2007 23:03:04 MDT

I hope they turn Ms. Pac-Man into a movie next.

Mr. Sadistic

Joust: The Movie: For Real

floppylobster — Mon, 27 Aug 2007 22:54:39 MDT

At last my time has come! Time to dig out that old Frogga screenplay!

floppylobster

Joust: The Movie: For Real

rannic — Mon, 27 Aug 2007 22:41:46 MDT

"(How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days):"

I like how that unintentionally ends in a frowny face.

rannic

Joust: The Movie: For Real

Reneg — Mon, 27 Aug 2007 22:39:51 MDT

Wasn't this a pretty terrible game? I only played a flash version but the controls sucked and I got stuck in the sky making me essentially invincible.

Reneg

Joust: The Movie: For Real

umcloud — Mon, 27 Aug 2007 22:39:26 MDT

@smokyburnout: hahaha. "Sweet Jesus - the long block is dropping!" *Tetris* "NOOOOOOO"

umcloud

Joust: The Movie: For Real

smokyburnout — Mon, 27 Aug 2007 22:33:27 MDT

i couldnt sleep last night, so i started thinking about what the movie trailer would look like for Tetris: The Movie...

"Do you have ANY IDEA what the consequences will be if you drop that block right there?"

smokyburnout

Joust: The Movie: For Real

boopadoo — Mon, 27 Aug 2007 22:30:35 MDT

Oh! Are they going to show chicks getting stomped in slow-motion! Awesome!

boopadoo

Joust: The Movie: For Real

Kermi — Mon, 27 Aug 2007 22:16:48 MDT

@Inhert: Alright, but if they leave those out we're still hitting 66% and that's better than most video game movies.

Kermi

Joust: The Movie: For Real

chenry — Mon, 27 Aug 2007 22:08:56 MDT

This development has striken me senseless. I have nothing witty to say. I am now going to lie down and weep for humanity.

chenry

Joust: The Movie: For Real

huginn — Mon, 27 Aug 2007 22:06:13 MDT

This screams of uwe having his dirty dirty mitts all over this.

huginn

Joust: The Movie: For Real

Inhert — Mon, 27 Aug 2007 21:58:49 MDT

@Kermi:

It also needs those really freaky pterodactyls

Inhert

Joust: The Movie: For Real

Kermi — Mon, 27 Aug 2007 21:56:01 MDT

@Moonshadow101: Exactly what I was going to say. You can put ANYTHING in this movie, as long as you don't leave out the ostriches and lances you've stayed 100% faithful to the source material.
@Marlor: You just named three more movies that are completely unfuckupable. Where do we go to get this shit financed?

Kermi

Joust: The Movie: For Real

krln99 — Mon, 27 Aug 2007 21:50:39 MDT

Oh dear lord, I doubt this poor woman even knows what JOUST (the game) is.

krln99

Joust: The Movie: For Real

Hellsing — Mon, 27 Aug 2007 21:45:48 MDT

Maybe Minesweeper: the Movie is so crazy after all.

Hellsing

Joust: The Movie: For Real

Moonshadow101 — Mon, 27 Aug 2007 21:42:20 MDT

I think it's a good idea. I mean, you can't piss on a game's plot when it doesn't have one.

Moonshadow101

Joust: The Movie: For Real

Marlor — Mon, 27 Aug 2007 21:36:55 MDT

I can't wait for them to make Defender, Centipede and Galaga into movies.

Marlor

Joust: The Movie: For Real

umcloud — Mon, 27 Aug 2007 21:31:09 MDT

So are they going to get Uwe Boll to direct this? Then he can tell us about how it's a "political statement", where, you know, the ostrich represents Bush, and the lance is clearly a symbol for ...nevermind.

umcloud

Joust: The Movie: For Real

Dr.Chocobo — Mon, 27 Aug 2007 21:29:06 MDT

@hass: one of the few movies that i actually had to stop watching half way

Nothing can get any lower than "A Knight's Tale" =D

Dr.Chocobo

Joust: The Movie: For Real

Crosswayboy — Mon, 27 Aug 2007 21:28:58 MDT

Finally! The one franchise that begs to be put into celluloid form gets its due...

*cough*

Crosswayboy

Joust: The Movie: For Real

chimp_o_death — Mon, 27 Aug 2007 21:28:39 MDT

I think "all four quadrants" would be more relevant for a Warlord movie.

chimp_o_death

Joust: The Movie: For Real

Nirolak — Mon, 27 Aug 2007 21:28:13 MDT

This may quite possibly the greatest film of all time.

Nirolak

Joust: The Movie: For Real

im_different — Mon, 27 Aug 2007 21:26:48 MDT

cant wait for the nickelodean series =D gotta catch em all!

im_different

Joust: The Movie: For Real

=O — Mon, 27 Aug 2007 21:26:08 MDT

can't be worse than "a knights tale"

Joust: The Movie: For Real

InsidiousTuna — Mon, 27 Aug 2007 21:25:01 MDT

Hell, I saw Doom, I'll see this, too.

InsidiousTuna