Kotaku: The Onion

Area Man Selects Skyrim as The Onion's Game of the Year

Kirk Hamilton — Wed, 28 Dec 2011 21:00:00 EST

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The people who brought you such fantastic headlines as "Burrito Eaten As If Someone In The Room Wasn't Crying" and "Brief Reprieve From Mariah Carey's Christmas Song Comes To Resounding End" have selected their Game of The Year, and it's not ironic at all: Bethesda's Skyrim has edged out the competition to take top honors. More »

The Onion Connects Excessive Madden Play To Brain Damage

Stephen Totilo — Mon, 04 Apr 2011 15:00:00 EDT

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Examining MRIs and PET scans of Madden football veterans, scientists discovered severely damaged neural pathways in parts of the brain associated with motivation and attention, malformations that might explain the common inability among players to perform such basic tasks as maintaining hygiene and preparing meals for themselves. More »

The Onion Exposes 'Shaken Manchild Syndrome'

Michael McWhertor — Wed, 23 Mar 2011 22:00:00 EDT

Are video game-playing, comic book-reading manchildren the victims of an unexposed crime? The Onion News Network's Fact Zone takes a look at the epidemic of basement dwelling twentysomethings who are the subjects of violence from frustrated parents. Celebrity spokesman Ben Stiller throws his weight behind the cause. What a terrible, terrible tragedy... More »

iTunes Store Rejects The Onion's Face-Shooting Joke App

Owen Good — Sat, 18 Sep 2010 19:00:00 EDT

Remember "Close Range"? The Onion's violent video game satire got a web-based flash game after its hilarious introduction in April, and soon the satirical publication began work on an iPhone app. Until Apple killed the fun, of course. More »

A Weekend Getaway For a Man And his Xbox

Brian Crecente — Fri, 26 Mar 2010 15:20:00 EDT

We've all thought about it, setting aside an entire weekend to recharge the recently rocky relationship with have with our console of choice... right? Or is that just me and this guy? More »

Well, He Does Look Like He Could Work There

Owen Good — Sat, 23 Jan 2010 18:30:00 EST

Once again, The Onion cuts to the chase: Lane Kiffin, the new football coach at Southern California is rumored* to have been wooed away from the job by the chance of a lifetime: Working at a GameStop. More »

The Onion Reveals Modern Warfare 3

Mike Fahey — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 10:20:00 EST

Modern Warfare 2 is nice and all, but The Onion has the scoop on Modern Warfare 3 - the most realistic military experience ever created. More »

Cyberball 2073 Season In Doubt, Says Robot Player's Union

Michael McWhertor — Thu, 08 Oct 2009 18:20:13 EDT

Bad news for robot football fans, as The Onion is reporting that the 2073 season of Cyberball may be in danger of not happening at all, according to the ICBL Robot Players Union. [The Onion] More »

The Onion Breaks News On Amazing "Smaller Breast" Rendering Tech

Michael McWhertor — Thu, 30 Apr 2009 20:20:00 EDT

In the Onion version of the universe, the Consumer Electronics Show is happening right now. The show's most important development? The announcement of new technology that can "render average-sized breasts on female video game characters." More »

Shooting People In The Face FPS

Brian Ashcraft — Tue, 07 Apr 2009 03:00:00 EDT

The Onion, your news source, has a brand new clip up for the most inventive first-person-shooter we've ever seen. Ever. Called Close Range, the game has players shoot people in the face. More »

The Onion Previews Punch-Out!! Documentary We Wish Existed

Michael McWhertor — Fri, 27 Feb 2009 20:20:08 EST

Is there some special video game issue of The Onion currently in print? Because not only did the humor publication skewer game violence this week, it also poked at Super Mario Bros. and, now, Punch-Out!!. More »

The Onion Asks: Are Violent Video Games Adequately Preparing Our Kids For The Apocalypse?

Michael McWhertor — Wed, 25 Feb 2009 19:20:00 EST

Video games can be beneficial. They better our children's hand-eye coordination, spatial relationship understanding and teach the basics of strategy. But are they doing enough to prepare them for a nuclear future and zombie infestations? More »

World Of World Of Warcraft Launch Coverage From The Onion News Network

Michael McWhertor — Mon, 09 Jun 2008 21:00:14 EDT

We admittedly slept on the release of the full-fledged sequel to World Of Warcraft, but The Onion doesn't miss a beat, as its coverage of the World Of World Of Warcraft launch helps get us up to speed. The sequel to Blizzard's megahit lets gamers role-play as someone playing WoW, simulating keystrokes and featuring Hot Pockets eating support. Massively multiplayer online games haven't exactly been my cup of tea, but even I got a little tingle seeing a virtual World Of Warcraft player read through the game's Terms of Use Agreement, which looks to make legally binding software agreements fun again. More »

Liberty City Citizens Demand Tougher Law Enforcement

Mike Fahey — Wed, 04 Jun 2008 12:20:00 EDT

The Onion has been having a complete field day with Grand Theft Auto IV, producing some of the best material they've written in years since the game's release in late April. Today they report on Liberty City citizens' growing dissatisfaction with local law enforcement, citing not only their ineffectiveness in dealing with the recent crime wave, but also difficulties in keeping their priorities straight More »

The Onion Outlines GTA IV's New Features

Mike Fahey — Tue, 06 May 2008 21:00:00 EDT

When I say that every major news outlet had stories about Grand Theft Auto IV last week, I mean every major news outlet, including venerable parody news site and internet staple The Onion, who took some time to inform their readers of the new features in Rockstar's latest entry in the series. My personal favorite, which hits quite close to home...

Though it doesn't affect the game at all, your character is severely afraid of spiders

See, before I couldn't identify with Nico, but now it's like we were separated at birth or something. Also, great news for those of you who don't enjoy all of the violent combat...

You have the choice to stay in Liberty City or drive to the suburbs of New Jersey, where you can earn a degree or learn a trade

See? GTA IV has something for everyone! More »

Tribunal Finds Delta Squad Did Not Commit...

Michael McWhertor — Tue, 29 Apr 2008 20:20:34 EDT

Tribunal Finds Delta Squad Did Not Commit Gears Of War Crimes. We can't find this story anywhere other than The Onion for now, so consider it unconfirmed, but the Gears of War Crimes Tribunal has apparently found that Colonel Hoffman, Marcus Fenix, and Dominic Santiago did not use unjustifiable force in battling the Locust horde. Sure to be a controversial ruling, especially in light of those cheat code allegations. Gears Of War Crimes Court Finds 2006 Locust Horde Massacre Justified [The Onion] More »

The Onion Settles Gibson Vs. Guitar Hero

Mark Wilson — Wed, 26 Mar 2008 14:40:25 EDT

It's difficult to see Gibson and Harmonix/MTV fight over patents—like watching your once ice-cream-loving parents argue about the financial merits of eating in—the fun has been sucked from dessert and nothing that Bryers can say will fix it. More »

Wii Blamed For Pansy Violence

Mike Fahey — Mon, 17 Mar 2008 11:20:55 EDT

After reading almost daily accounts of video games being blamed for some sort of horrific violence or another, it's lovely to see a lighter take on the same sort of story I often find myself writing, courtesy of satire news organization The Onion. In an article published today entitled "Wii Video Games Blamed For Rise In Effeminate Violence", The Onion takes a look at the growing trend of wuss on wuss violence inspired by Nintendo's console.

"The Wii's fluffy flowers and bright peach-colored sunlight glorify chasing precious talking rabbits with plungers," Greer said. "What kind of message is that sending to our children? That it's 'cool' to act like some kind of electrical elf or banana fairy?"

Having personally witnessed a child being severely thwapped across the back of the head (by me), I have to agree with the members of Parents Against Wii...the madness has to end. In the words of PAW's founder Linda Roberts, "One of these days, the red marks on our children's arms might not just go away after five minutes." More »

Roger Federer Is A Dick. We know you're...

Michael McWhertor — Thu, 14 Feb 2008 20:00:00 EST

Roger Federer Is A Dick. We know you're ranked number one in the world right now, Roger, but showing up to a match attempting to play tennis with a Wii controller just smacks of cockiness. Maybe Federer's just that good at Wii Sports and real-life tennis, but I can't imagine playing as him in Virtua Tennis ever again. We hope the respected journalists at The Onion Sports call him out on this. More »

The Onion Charts The Best-Selling Wii Games

Michael McWhertor — Tue, 29 Jan 2008 16:40:16 EST

You've seen the official list of the million-selling Wii titles, straight from Nintendo itself, but The Onion weighs in with its own list of platinum hits for the waggle-box. Can't say any of these really surprise us, but we didn't know Wisdom Tree was back publishing games for a Nintendo platform. And we simply can't wait to play Throw The Thing At The Thing. Sounds throw-arrific! More »

According to The Onion, Tom Clancy's recently...

Michael McWhertor — Tue, 07 Aug 2007 19:00:37 EDT

According to The Onion, Tom Clancy's recently released Tom Clancy's Splinter Cell: Black Ops is a hit with Tom, as his criteria for satisfaction seems to involve the correct spelling of his name and a cleared check. He's also looking forward to Tom Clancy's Renegade Sub Command. Another Onion scoop: Tom Clancy Really Happy With How Latest Video Game With His Name On It Came Out More »

New from Activision, Sousaphone Hero

Mark Wilson — Wed, 01 Aug 2007 14:20:00 EDT

Heh. From the Onion:

Despite a catchy 1890s soundtrack and realistic-feeling game play, Sousaphone Hero, the third installment of Activision's massively popular Guitar Hero video game franchise, sold a mere 52 copies in the United States in its opening week, the company reported Monday.

Really, the entire story is one big pile of quotables. More »

The Onion Takes On Second Life

fdemarco — Sat, 09 Jun 2007 15:00:00 EDT

Poor Second Life, it just can't seem to catch a break. Regardless of how many numbers they put out showing how many people are signed up for the service, they are continually the butt of jokes and have become the red headed step child of the game world. Now, even The Onion is getting in on the act and taking a jab at the popular yet much maligned online community. In an article titled "Second Life Makes Dream Of Owning Fictitious Coffee Shop Come True" they relate the tale of a young girl who "never thought she would have the opportunity to own and operate a completely fabricated coffee shop and performance space." It's a short article, just a couple of paragraphs, but worth a read and a chuckle. Besides, I never tire of pot shots taken at SL, especially by a high class joint like The Onion (Sorry, Fahey). Flynn De Marco More »

The Onion Interviews Penny Arcade

Michael McWhertor — Thu, 07 Jun 2007 17:20:33 EDT

How could The Onion plus Penny Arcade not result in an hilarious expletive-filled meeting of the creative minds, loaded with brilliantly cynical jabs at the gaming industry? When it's The Onion AV Club, the serious, more arts enlightened side of The Onion. Its readership is smug about its interviews, worrying of a Kotaku slobs invasion of the AV Club snobs commenting section. More »

The Onion On VF And Your Ex-GF

Michael McWhertor — Mon, 14 May 2007 19:20:37 EDT

Kudos to Dan Z from bits bytes pixels & sprites for letting us know about this weekend's Onion radio update on the harsh relationship realities of ex-girlfriends playing Virtua Fighter 4 Evolution with "some other guy." The Onion always seems to nail the details, making this awesome audio spot a knockout must-listen. Michael McWhertor More »

The Onion's PS3 Wii Chart

Brian Crecente — Wed, 29 Nov 2006 10:00:49 EST

Being in the newspaper biz, lord knows I love charticles, the unholy blending of article and chart. And nobody does it better than the folks at The Onion. More »

11 Strangest Moments in Gaming

Brian Crecente — Thu, 01 Jun 2006 14:00:53 EDT

The Onion's latest AV Club Inventory feature lists the eleven strangest moments in video history. From Second Life's cornfield of punishment to Jane Pinckard's daring adventures with the trance vibrator, the list seems to touch on everything that matters. This reminds me, I totally need to get my hands on Smoke and Mirrors. I'm up for a full-day of virtual driving. More »

The Onion on Columbine Game

Brian Crecente — Fri, 26 May 2006 17:01:02 EDT

Hahahahahahahahahaha! More »