Tasteless Americans Choose Lay's Cheesy Garlic Bread ChipsS

The votes have been tallied, and the results are in — U.S. potato chip consumers are boring and disappointing. The Lay's "Do Us a Flavor" promotional contest saw folks voting for one of three user-generated flavors — Chicken and Waffles, Sriracha or cheesy garlic bread. I tasted them all, and the winner was as clear as bold italics. I can only assume the mafia is involved.

I mean, congratulations to Karen Weber-Mendham and all — she's scoring either one million dollars or one percent of Cheesey Garlic Bread's net sales, whichever is higher. Her kids will have college tuition and braces. Braces that will never be clogged with the residue of glorious Chicken and Waffles syrupy, greasy goodness.

Just watch her, subtly dropping hints that's she's connected to "Italian restaurants." "Her entire "family" loves Italian, after all. Clearly she's a made woman, smiling and waving to distract from the dark-haired, Tommy gun-toting men in her wake, stuffing the ballot boxes.

Okay, so the vote took place on the internet. The imagery is still shocking, even if it's completely implausible.

I guess this is the end, Chicken and Waffles potato chips. I fought for you, but ultimately the tweets and Facebook posts were not enough.

I know we didn't have much time together — I only ever got the one bag — but you taught me so much. You deserved this. From humble beginnings you rose, fighting against overwhelming odds. You were unphased by the trendy Sriracha crowd. You looked the Cheesy Garlic Bread mafia in the eye and never once flinched.

You paid the ultimate price for your strength of character and skillet-leavings taste. I will never forget. I may not have your taste on my lips, but I'll always have our song.

Carry it with you to your eternal rest, my sweet and savory prince.

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