PS: It can't be a picture you found on the internet...

The Dutch version of FHM magazine is holding a contest to win a spot in Triumph's upcoming 360/PC game Overlord, but there's a catch. They want the ugliest possible person they can find. It's an ugly pageant! Take that, all you pretty people, sailing through life on your looks, with your actual hair and your rock-hard abs. This one is ours, and by that I mean mine.

The contest page is written completely in non-English, which I do not speak, but tipster Pipski was nice enough to translate instructions. "All you have to do is send three pictures of your face, front, three quarters and side, to prijsvraag@fhm.nl. The closing date is December the 30th." If I were you I wouldn't bother. I've got this one nailed. In high school I was voted "Most Likely to Inspire a Pitchfork-Toting Villager Mob."

Gezocht: Lelijke Gasten! [fhm.nl - Thanks Pimski!]

Today's slow hand clap award goes to Microsoft, responsible for the ugliest console, but also the ugliest game shoes! Who wants to bet wayward Msoft employees are forced to wear these kicks as punishment? Brian Ashcraft

The Googles, They Do Nothing [Xbox Collector]

On today's episode of Please Shut Up, a website that has redefined my criteria for judging other humans:

- are they funny?
And
- can they draw?

If the answer to both questions is "no", I cannot possibly relate to them on any meaningful level and they are, for all intents and purposes, worthless. One or the other is fine. But the absence of both qualities leaves a gaping void that can only be filled with misanthropy and Red Vines.

This brings us to the "Gaming Widow", a woman I want to marry just to spousally abuse, and then divorce. She can't draw, isn't funny, but insists on inflicting attempts at both on you, me, Jesus Christ, and the whole of the internets. Meet the Cathy of the Web 2.0, after the jump.

In response to someone correcting her constant and inexplicable misspelling of the word "loser":

WidowQ said,

on July 9th, 2006 at 9:24 pm

HaHa! I found your email quite whitty. [1] Actually we used to spell it that way for the "valley girl" accent. (High school joke. We were very mature! <=Insert sarcastic tone.) It wasn't intentional that I did it that way on the site just habbit [2] then I thought I would leave it that way to start dialogue. [Sure you did.]
And it takes a LOT to offend me. (excepting days when I am hormonal/tired/sensitive ... ) [EG, constantly]
Perhaps I can make it mean that gamers are "looser" in the brain compacity. The more you play the looser you will get ..... :P
Thanks for the email!
-widowQ

Accusations of looseness are tragic and hilarious coming from a woman whose husband prefers raiding to marital sex, which is her number-one webcomic topic, followed closely by her husband wanting to have sex with her but being refused because he played games too long.

This is exhausting and depressing, so I'll just end by drawing your attention to the embarrassingly misused "search terms" field: Search terms: Gamer promises something special for date night, widow dressed up, gamer reveals a 2 player console game, widow runs off crying.

Eliza Gauger

Behold the horrible comedy stylings of the Gaming Widow. [Gaming Sucks, thanks tipster whose email I deleted by accident]

Remember the Ugliest DS ever? Sure you do: it looked like the runner-up at 'Finger Paint Your DS' day at the local head trauma ward. Just look at that DS cover: it appears to be a severed buttock with two arm-conjoined siamese twins dancing on the hump. More curious is the motto: 'Lost in Blue'. Yet they are dancing on a flesh-tone. Perhaps a more accurate illustration of the entire 'what the fuck does that even mean' concept of being lost in blue would have simply been blue siamese twins painted on a blue cover. But I digress.

Well, as follow-up to this monstrosity, reader Scott D. was kind enough to point us in the direction of the GBATemp forums, where its creator — 'OrR' waxes eloquent on its creation, and the high quality materials he used:

I used email (not e-mail rolleyes.gif ) paint from Revell, quite commonly used for model building in Germany. It seems to be quite wear resistant if you only touch your DS with your fingers but comes of quite easily if scratched. So be carefull when putting your DS in your pocket/backpack/whatever.

And.

I made sure no paint got onto the microphone (by removing the whole mainboard with the microphone on it before painting) and I opened all the speaker holes that got closed by the paint with a needle (again, with the speakers removed so I did not damage them). The only problem I had was with the buttons, I had to remove some of the paint that got into the button holes, but that was quite easy to do with some sand paper.

We assume he also used sandpaper to get that paint off the screen. Florian Eckhardt

Lost in Blue Special Limited Edition DS [GBATemp]

I don't even know what to say.

This was inflicted on me by some sadistic tipster named Kari, and when I find out it was made by a seven year old I'm going to feel like a real dick.

But come on, look at this thing. The hairy linoleum and grease-smeared screen just make it all the better.

I challenge the Kotaku Scouts to find me an uglier DS mod, and/or the story behind this one. My morbid fascination has been whetted and I demand satisfaction. Eliza Gauger

See the complete jpg index here [GRvoid]

What the christ is this supposed to be?

Isn't the whole purpose of the DS or indeed, any handheld, that it's portable and comfortable to, ahem, port? And I await answers from no man! Of course it's the point.

The gorge rises in my throat as I contemplate the horror found on the pages displaying the results of a DS casemodding contest held by Japanese peripheral maker Keys Factory. Apparently this was an internal contest, with the resulting abominations being perpetuated exclusively by employees.

This is fortunate, as it gives us a centralized location (the Keys Factory employee lounge) to enter into the targeting system, and allows us to avoid undue collateral damage.

Thanks Chris for the tip. ...and I almost like the little green tank. ALMOST. Eliza Gauger

The contest winners. [Keys Factory]
Runners-up. [Keys Factory]

Wow, this thing makes the Game Gear's TV Tuner look like a friggin plug-in card. MeteoraTC's TV tuner hits Japan on April 29, and judging by the size of the thing, it's going to leave a bruise.

The thing works with the DS, Game Boy Advance and GBA SP. Too bad you can't dock a Micro on it, then you could carry the resulting gaming anchor around strapped to your back.

Want to Double the Size of your DS and Then Some? [Go Nintendo]