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Posts Tagged “The Onion”

gta iv

The Onion Outlines GTA IV's New Features

When I say that every major news outlet had stories about Grand Theft Auto IV last week, I mean every major news outlet, including venerable parody news site and internet staple The Onion, who took some time to inform their readers of the new features in Rockstar's latest entry in the series. My personal favorite, which hits quite close to home...

Though it doesn't affect the game at all, your character is severely afraid of spiders
See, before I couldn't identify with Nico, but now it's like we were separated at birth or something. Also, great news for those of you who don't enjoy all of the violent combat...
You have the choice to stay in Liberty City or drive to the suburbs of New Jersey, where you can earn a degree or learn a trade
See? GTA IV has something for everyone!

Grand Theft Auto IV Hits Stores [The Onion via TBBPS]

7:00 PM on Tue May 6 2008
By Mike Fahey
6,087 views, 27 comments

Latest by Ignorance's Enemy: @Sqwerell: Sorry!!! It effected me too!!! The Pope won't pay for my Twizzlers and Sprite at the movie theatres anymore!!!! These unlawful sins need to be rid of ASAP!!! more »

Tribunal Finds Delta Squad Did Not Commit Gears Of War Crimes. We can't find this story anywhere other than The Onion for now, so consider it unconfirmed, but the Gears of War Crimes Tribunal has apparently found that Colonel Hoffman, Marcus Fenix, and Dominic Santiago did not use unjustifiable force in battling the Locust horde. Sure to be a controversial ruling, especially in light of those cheat code allegations. Gears Of War Crimes Court Finds 2006 Locust Horde Massacre Justified [The Onion]

10 comments

parody

The Onion Settles Gibson Vs. Guitar Hero

It's difficult to see Gibson and Harmonix/MTV fight over patents—like watching your once ice-cream-loving parents argue about the financial merits of eating in—the fun has been sucked from dessert and nothing that Bryers can say will fix it.

So does Gibson's 1990's filing entitle them to a a piece of the Guitar Hero pie? No clue. Luckily we have the Onion who ran some "man on the street" responses to the difficult situation. Our favorite was from Bruce LaSaard, Elevator Installer. "Excuse me, but after last week's championship game at Ray's Creekside Tavern, I believe it is I who owns Guitar Hero."

Well said, fictitious man-on-the-street. Well said, indeed.

Gibson Sues Over Guitar Hero [The Onion] Thanks MrPants!

12:40 PM on Wed Mar 26 2008
By Mark Wilson
5,142 views, 15 comments

humor

Wii Blamed For Pansy Violence

After reading almost daily accounts of video games being blamed for some sort of horrific violence or another, it's lovely to see a lighter take on the same sort of story I often find myself writing, courtesy of satire news organization The Onion. In an article published today entitled "Wii Video Games Blamed For Rise In Effeminate Violence", The Onion takes a look at the growing trend of wuss on wuss violence inspired by Nintendo's console.

"The Wii's fluffy flowers and bright peach-colored sunlight glorify chasing precious talking rabbits with plungers," Greer said. "What kind of message is that sending to our children? That it's 'cool' to act like some kind of electrical elf or banana fairy?"
Having personally witnessed a child being severely thwapped across the back of the head (by me), I have to agree with the members of Parents Against Wii...the madness has to end. In the words of PAW's founder Linda Roberts, "One of these days, the red marks on our children's arms might not just go away after five minutes."

Wii Video Games Blamed For Rise In Effeminate Violence [The Onion - Thanks Kenneth!]

9:20 AM on Mon Mar 17 2008
By Mike Fahey
2,737 views, 39 comments

Latest by KM91: Tingle could make any person become violent. And Tingle seems a bit effeminate. more »

Roger Federer Is A Dick. We know you're ranked number one in the world right now, Roger, but showing up to a match attempting to play tennis with a Wii controller just smacks of cockiness. Maybe Federer's just that good at Wii Sports and real-life tennis, but I can't imagine playing as him in Virtua Tennis ever again. We hope the respected journalists at The Onion Sports call him out on this. Roger Federer Shows Up On Court With Wii Controller [The Onion]

46 comments

humor

The Onion Charts The Best-Selling Wii Games

You've seen the official list of the million-selling Wii titles, straight from Nintendo itself, but The Onion weighs in with its own list of platinum hits for the waggle-box. Can't say any of these really surprise us, but we didn't know Wisdom Tree was back publishing games for a Nintendo platform. And we simply can't wait to play Throw The Thing At The Thing. Sounds throw-arrific!

Top-Selling Nintendo Wii Titles [The Onion]

2:40 PM on Tue Jan 29 2008
By Michael McWhertor
9,175 views, 141 comments

Latest by string_theory: LMAO! more »

According to The Onion, Tom Clancy's recently released Tom Clancy's Splinter Cell: Black Ops is a hit with Tom, as his criteria for satisfaction seems to involve the correct spelling of his name and a cleared check. He's also looking forward to Tom Clancy's Renegade Sub Command. Another Onion scoop: Tom Clancy Really Happy With How Latest Video Game With His Name On It Came Out

6 comments

breaking

New from Activision, Sousaphone Hero

Heh. From the Onion:
Despite a catchy 1890s soundtrack and realistic-feeling game play, Sousaphone Hero, the third installment of Activision's massively popular Guitar Hero video game franchise, sold a mere 52 copies in the United States in its opening week, the company reported Monday.
Really, the entire story is one big pile of quotables. More »

12:20 PM on Wed Aug 1 2007
By Mark Wilson
6,551 views, 46 comments

not a joke

The Onion Takes On Second Life

Poor Second Life, it just can't seem to catch a break. Regardless of how many numbers they put out showing how many people are signed up for the service, they are continually the butt of jokes and have become the red headed step child of the game world. Now, even The Onion is getting in on the act and taking a jab at the popular yet much maligned online community. In an article titled "Second Life Makes Dream Of Owning Fictitious Coffee Shop Come True" they relate the tale of a young girl who "never thought she would have the opportunity to own and operate a completely fabricated coffee shop and performance space." It's a short article, just a couple of paragraphs, but worth a read and a chuckle. Besides, I never tire of pot shots taken at SL, especially by a high class joint like The Onion (Sorry, Fahey). Flynn De Marco More »

1:00 PM on Sat Jun 9 2007
By fdemarco
1,168 views, 8 comments

Latest by kingofallcosmos: @Cell9song: If by "community", you mean the people that read it and enjoy it, then HEY! On the other hand, if by "community", you mean the people who post in their comment sections, then I wholeheartedly agree. For more »

fruit fuckers

The Onion Interviews Penny Arcade

How could The Onion plus Penny Arcade not result in an hilarious expletive-filled meeting of the creative minds, loaded with brilliantly cynical jabs at the gaming industry? When it's The Onion AV Club, the serious, more arts enlightened side of The Onion. Its readership is smug about its interviews, worrying of a Kotaku slobs invasion of the AV Club snobs commenting section. More »

3:20 PM on Thu Jun 7 2007
By Michael McWhertor
3,304 views, 37 comments

ppk lol

The Onion On VF And Your Ex-GF

Kudos to Dan Z from bits bytes pixels & sprites for letting us know about this weekend's Onion radio update on the harsh relationship realities of ex-girlfriends playing Virtua Fighter 4 Evolution with "some other guy." The Onion always seems to nail the details, making this awesome audio spot a knockout must-listen. Michael McWhertor More »

5:20 PM on Mon May 14 2007
By Michael McWhertor
997 views, 6 comments

the onion

The Onion's PS3 Wii Chart

Being in the newspaper biz, lord knows I love charticles, the unholy blending of article and chart. And nobody does it better than the folks at The Onion. More »

8:00 AM on Wed Nov 29 2006
By Brian Crecente
584 views, 26 comments

hitler

11 Strangest Moments in Gaming

The Onion's latest AV Club Inventory feature lists the eleven strangest moments in video history. From Second Life's cornfield of punishment to Jane Pinckard's daring adventures with the trance vibrator, the list seems to touch on everything that matters. This reminds me, I totally need to get my hands on Smoke and Mirrors. I'm up for a full-day of virtual driving. More »

12:00 PM on Thu Jun 1 2006
By Brian Crecente
423 views, 7 comments

super columbine massacre rpg

The Onion on Columbine Game

Hahahahahahahahahaha! More »