Not only were there an obscene amount of chalkboards, pennants and people in school kid uniforms — there was an actual lecture from Monster Hunter Tri Producer Ryozo Tsujimoto, complete with pointing stick and warnings about getting kicked out of class for sleeping.

The only thing about the event that didn't smack of school was the theme drink list — hence the A- instead of a perfect score. I must've been to a hundred pep rallies between being student body president in high school and president of the anime club in college — and not once did any of my institutions of higher learning shell out for drinks.

You can check out the cocktail list below. Here's the swag report (all of which will be up for grabs at Ümloud!):
1 Ginormous sweatshirt I will never wear
1 Fancy-looking notebook
1 Monster Hunter "Field Guide"
1 Set of pins, featuring cutesy character Cha Cha
1 Backpack of significant sturdiness

Assuming word doesn't come down from on high that I should break this bad boy open and get down to business, I'll be tossing Neft N-Strike Elite to the Ümloud! onto the pile of swag I'm amassing for the December 9 event.

I do recall playing this game at PAX 2009 while I waited in line for an APB demo. The consoles for it happened to be set up close enough to the line for the PR rep to lean over and let us take turns shooting virtual Nerf darts at targets and robots. I was sort of "meh" about the whole thing (but totally grateful for something to do in line), until the guy told me that the Wii peripheral gun you plug your Wiimote into is actually a real Nerf gun you can use outdoors. On your brother. Like I would have done right then and there if he'd been around.

If you want the game for yourself and you're not going to Ümloud!, it's out now.

Not to sound ungrateful to EA Black Box for providing this thoughtful and theme-appropriate swag. I'm just terrified of skateboards, even ones without wheels. You ever read Calvin & Hobbes strips where Calvin's afraid of his bike? That's me with skateboards.

Luckily, Ümloud! is right around the corner, so I've got a place to send it straightaway. I already sent the bulk of my swag to the boss in Denver. And if nothing else, this skateboard should be a lot easier to carry on public transit in San Francisco than a 25 pound box of t-shirts.

Instead, I got a box that looks like a book (handy for hiding stuff in), a mini art book, some bizarre playing cards with the main characters on them, a badly crinkled poster and a candy called "Sugar Discs" made by Sweet Sensations in the United Kingdom (not pictured because they don't photograph well).

Oh, and I got a copy of the game, too. For review purposes.

You could seriously injure somebody without even unsheathing this thing. The only thing it's missing is jeweled eyeballs. Now all I need are letters to open...

Oh yeah, here's a Divinity II: Ego Draconis trailer:

I can't say too much about the Dark Void event held at a Tesla Motors dealership last night — but luckily I don't have to. The Dark Void community site's got it covered. Check out their video for info on how you could win an actual Tesla Roadster via Dark Void.

Full swag report: Dark Void figurine, Tesla Roadster Micro Machine Hot Wheels, promotional booklet (not pictured). The Polly Pocket and the Jawa are from my collection.

Swag cat is...

...disinterested. Maybe if I'd brought home a real Tesla Roadster, she'd give a damn.

ETA: Quite right, it's a Hot Wheels car. This is why blogging at night is bad for me.

I was standing on the Powell Street station platform when I noticed a man staring at the box. The thing's as big as a suitcase, so I assumed he was just trying to figure out what it was. But then, he gets on the same BART train car as me and spends the whole ride back to MacArthur station staring. Finally, as I'm getting off the BART, he blurts out, "You know that thing won't make you lose weight, right?"

Jeez. Next time I have a Nintendo appointment, I'll just drive. Stay tuned to find out how fat my cat is with Plus's new weigh-your-pet-and/or-baby feature!

Now, I get a lot of swag t-shirts from events or mailed to me by publishers. I don't want to complain about free stuff, because 1) it goes to Brian Crecente's annual charity Funde Razor event and 2) these shirts obviously aren't made for women, what with the XXL label most of them carry.

However I was shocked, simply shocked to see that this XXL shirt... is actually a medium. Made by Marc Ecko. What a rub! Finally a swag shirt made buy a clothing designer who knows what he's doing, which in theory should fit me, and it turns out to be cut in a style where medium = XXL.

Face it, ladies. We just can't win with swag shirts. Although, I should tell you when I learned from that Clone Wars junket: the voice of Ahsoka, Ashley Eckstein, is working on an upcoming fashion line "for the female sci-fi fan."

Here's hoping a medium is a medium when that happens.

The tips of the lights are sharp enough to cut skin or a small child's mouth should they attempt to gum them. According to a Flickr post from last month, it looks like I have EA Singapore to thank for the lights. They'll look great on my Hanukkah bush. Or in my cat's mouth.

Check out our review of The Sims 3 here.

It was kind of a bummer not to see any Tales games whatsoever – not even screens of Vesperia for the PS3. But last year, Tales games practically dominated the show floor alongside Soulcalibur IV, so it's only fair to give other games the spotlight. Especially when some of them just look so pretty.

Check out what we got to see:

Previews
Tekken 6 Preview: When Pigs Fly
The Munchables Preview: Eat It!
Invincible Tiger: The Legend of Han Tao Preview: An Eyes-On Experience
We Cheer 2 Preview: Now With 40% More Male
Klonoa Wii-make Challenge Preview: Yep, It's Challenging

Impressions
Katamari Forever Now In 1080p… Forever
Dead to Rights: Retribution "Embraces the M" Rating
Food Network Gets In On Nintendo Cooking Sim Craze

Screens/Announcements
Naruto Grows Up On The PSP
Namco Bandai Bringing Manga Carta II Stateside
Tekken 6 Is Also Coming To The PSP
Soulcalibur Is Also Coming To The PSP
Here Are Your Soulcalibur: Broken Destiny Screens

Swag Report (Pictured)
1 Naruto T-shirt that might actually fit me
1 pleather Dead to Rights notebook (plastic cop badge not included)
1 Tekken 6 Xbox 360 faceplate to celebrate the series' debut on Xbox 360
1 sassy Food Network tote my grandmother would kill for
1 flashy Tekken 6 print

Note the Italian restaurant-style takeout container. That ain't pasta sauce splattered on the edge, there... Open it up and you'll find — not a severed hand — but an ashtray, which I totally can't use being that I don't smoke (now I know how my parents felt when I gave them all those clay-made ones from art class...) plus some nifty matchboxes.

Check back here Monday April 20 for an actual first look of the game.

The lil' Saleen S281 Mustang is still mint in package and clearly no expense was spared in bringing us plastic Midnight Club: Los Angeles branded goods. While we appreciate that, we're all stocked up on plastic things at Kotaku Towers West. We've seen Rockstar giving some of these remote controlled cars in previous contests, so we're not remotely the first to get these trinkets. Keep an eye peeled for this thing to be given away in some future contest.

Detail shot after the break for Midnight Club superfans who don't already have one of these.

The embargo for my impressions expires on Monday morning, so check back then for the full rundown. In the meantime, I present you party pics and a swag report:

Pictured: One “medium” t-shirt that fits like a large and two zippo lighters with Betty Page-esque models on them.