Granted I sold it for over $500 to help finance a move across the country, but it seems that every time I marvel at some of the cool swag game companies create, someone points me to this page to remind me exactly how young and stupid I once was.

Elemental Gearbolt: Assassin's Case [Game Rave]

"Only one MMO could possibly release World of Warcraft's death grip on the massively multiplayer gaming market - Hello Kitty Online"

Pink on black. Ubisoft booth. I just got my ass handed to me by a Frag Doll.

Valkyrie, to be exact, who then continued to beat me two more times before I gave in, despite the fact that she continuously stopped fighting to give me pointers and completely failed to get off Kakashi's special move, which involves a rapid button-pressing fight. During my Track and Field days I learned how to tense my muscles so my hand vibrates, allowing for superhumanly fast presses. I demonstrated this to her by holding up my hand and making my fingers vibrate before realizing how many different ways that could be taken wrong and possibly get me kicked out of the convention hall. Not to mention I am much taller than she is. Hasn't anyone heard of height advantage? I am sure it applies to this situation somehow.

I left the hall slightly humiliated, but vowed revenge. The next day I returned and triumphantly had my ass handed to me two more times before victoriously conceding that I suck. One day I shall beat a Frag Doll at something other than facial hair growing and writing my name in the snow, and I will make them give me a t-shirt that I will wear proudly wherever men are repressed...a living symbol of hope for mankind.

Farfetched, I know, but I'm a hopeless optimist sometimes. I once had a girl from the internet visit me who had refused to send me a picture, convincing myself that she just didn't want her beauty to effect my opinion of her. She ended up having ankles as thick as my neck and a smell like an infected ear piercing..true story. I just never learn.

At least Legend of the Dragon smells nice?

This is definitely one of those games they'd rather no have press look at. I'm not familiar with the cartoon, and after playing the game version I have absolutely no intention on rectifying that anytime soon. The controls are awkward, the game modes weak, the graphics lean towards N64 quality and the sound is just...odd.

Now You're Playing with Power

This is not a game that should have been made for the Wii. It's more or less your traditional 3D fighter with a few bells and whistles tacked on to take advantage of the unique setup, and it just does not work. You use the control stick on the nunchuk to move, jump, and crouch, with the C & Z buttons being used to step up or in on the 3D plane. Then you have A & B to punch and kick and the directional pad to block. Once you transformer into your alter ego (every character has one) you gain super moves which just make no f***ing sense whatsoever. The tutorial doesn't help. The book doesn't help. The Spanish half of the book doesn't even help.

What also doesn't help is that once your opponent transforms, you pretty much have to as well or your chances of survival drop considerably. Rounds end up like Voltron episodes. "Well we started fighting as separate lions, but then decided that the ultra-powerful robot was the way to go. If only we had some sort of blazing sword..."

Modus Operandi

You can play story mode, where you choose a character, fight one or two battles, and then spend half an hour honing another character's traits, decimating opponent after opponent only to be cheap shotted out of ring by a guy named Henchman. The there's survival mode, where you can decimate opponent after opponent until being cheap-shotted out of the ring in a single punch. Love that game balance.

There is no arcade mode, but there is a quick versus, where you jump instantly into action, win or lose the round, and then get a game over screen. Definitely quick. There are other modes and of course multiplayer, which I haven't tried but can't imagine making the game magically playable.

But How Bout The Graphics?

In the game's defense, it does indeed capture the look of the characters from the show, who just happen to all be pretty bland and generic, lacking any real flair or style. The environments are too back, with breakable objects scattered about adding a little depth to the surroundings, but all in all they have no flavor whatsoever.

Sound Off

The sound, as I stated earlier, is just odd. At times it sounds like they doubled or tripled up on some fighting grunts, meaning instead of hearing just one you'd hear the same sound two or three times in a row. Then there was this character I ended up playing for the better part of an hour. Ming the rat guardian, this little girl who dances around after her fight ends and then wheezes like she's having an asthma attack four times. Jarring, horrible noises that seem very out of place. Does the cartoon character actually have some horrible lung disease? Should we start up a collection for her? Now I'm worried.

Magically Atrocious

Legend of the Dragon is going to be one of those games I never live down purchasing, though as I see it if I hadn't picked up the game one of you would have, and I've got enough blood on my hands. You are welcome. Michael Fahey

That's me, on the left. In my defense, I have a really kickass jet pack. Really. It makes whooshing noises.

The difference this time around was having a guide. Rather than floundering around, trying to figure out how to make my hair not look like Donald Trump...not just his hair, but his entire body...I was shown a wig shop where I can find trendy hair that all seems to look like McWhertor's for some reason. And the costumes...anything from Gundam to Megaman to Sonic the Hedgehog. While I may have chosen a breakdancing robot furry to represent all that is Fahey in the world (amazingly accurate), I could literally be anyone at any time.

I'm going to be poking around the world for a bit, seeing what I can find that might interest the sort of intelligent, considerate, not making fun of Fahey for being a robot furry kind of readership we attract here. If you play, poke me on Caliban Karas, robot furry extraordinaire. Not literally poke me of course, though I can point you towards an excellent source for free detachable penises. Michael Fahey

Konami has officially announced Elebits for Europe, due out this spring, but mysteriously renamed Eledees. Not quite sure of the significance there. Is it a play on the word melodies, perhaps? Some European thing that I, as an uncultured American gamer am missing? Eurogamer seems to have some sort of idea.

Konami's Nintendo Wii debut Elebits will launch in Europe this spring, but you won't be able to find it under that name - instead the game you'll be looking for is "Eledees".

Think about it.

There you go.

Elebits due here this spring [Eurogamer]