I wish, sadly it's not.

[upload.wikimedia.org]

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As I packed the penis with more high explosives than you could shake a dick twice at, Philip Seymour Hoffman, aka "Scotty" came in to the room to check on me. He clearly took a shine to me, and though I don't normally find larger men attractive, he was quite the charmer and his background in Shakespeare shone through his cheerful demeanor. He quickly saw what I was doing and sat me down. He showed me that, yes, he's a horrible singer and actor, and yes, he may ruin a great video game series years later, but it's no reason to kill him. I'd just be lowering myself to the same level as the beast who spawned Good Vibrations.

I couldn't take it anymore, and I just cried. I cried and cried into Phil's shoulder. He just kept patting my back and telling me it was okay. After a bit I was okay, and he promised me I could meet Bill Macy, too. Phil offered to walk me to Marky with the now non-deadly phallus, but I told him not to. I could do it myself.

As I finished latching the penis onto Mr. Feel-it Feel-it, he commented about how close Phil and I seemed. I just looked back and smiled at Philip. I whispered to Marky, "What can I say, he's got the touch. He's got the power."

Philip and I got engaged the following year, and were all set to tie the knot before '98, but we had a falling out. He wanted to take a role as Mathew Broderick's love interest in Godzilla, but I kept pushing for him to try out a small movie being made by the Coen brothers. It wasn't a large role, but I thought it would be nice if he helped out those struggling boys. I pushed him too hard one day and he just screamed at me. "God dammit Perry, I'm sick of this. Sometimes I can't do the small movies." He was becoming irrational. "Perry... can't you see? That's a lot of fish."

He eventually took the role over Godzilla, but we were never the same after that. Eventually we parted ways. He became a celebrated actor and I returned to my place in obscurity. I never got over him either. I look for every movie he's in. I think I've seen Twister at least 70 times (we even had a joke about "the suck zone"). Magnolia 10 (hey, twice is a lot). Almost Famous? I dress as Lester Bangs every Halloween.

We passed each other at an independent awards show a few years back. His date was Bill Paxton. I had Jim Belushi. As soon as our eyes met, I teared up and ran into the bathroom, right into Steve Buscemi. Ugh, how embarrassing. But then, much to my surprise, a little later on I went to see his next movie. In it, his final speech to Perry was so beautiful, I knew it had to be for me. He always spoke that way to me... it was special. He was finally saying what he needed to, even though it hurt.

Even if I never see him again, I know in my heart we'll always have Marky Mark's prosthetic dick. To the extreme, to the extreme...

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LAME.

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The guys in the hazmat suits are completely inept at capturing a single person, even when he was injured to begin with, and then further injured when he was shot. Sounds a lot like the abilities of the Combine.

I don't know how you DON'T see the HL connection. It might not be EP3 related, but its definitely influenced by HL. Maybe a fan movie concerning the 7 hour war, since the "Combine" aren't in the uniform that we see in HL2.

If it is a fan movie, they sure have a large budget. Might be a for a spin-off game, since its a research company that we haven't heard of yet. A third one beside Black Mesa and Aperture?

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The guys in the hazmat suits are completely inept at capturing a single person...

Aw, don't be so hard on the Combine; all bad guys since Storm Troopers have to go the Evil School of Aiming where they study four long years to learn to run slowly, miss wildly, and, for the advanced, monologue incessantly.

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