Jizz Mopping Through The Dildo Wonderland

Postal III ups the Postal bar. And that's not easy! Sure, the upcoming third-person Postal title features franchise standards like setting people on fire and shooting the crap outta everything. Postal III offers new weapons like the Badger Saw. (Instead of simply carrying around a chainsaw, the Postal Dude packs a large badger, which he uses to shred people to bits.)

This time around, the Postal Dude gets his first job in a porn shop/strip club, working as a jizz mopper with a vacuum cleaner strapped to his back. The Postal Dude sucks up drenched tissues and can fire them at things like portly soccer moms who are protesting porn or pole dancing strippers, drenching both in, um, white goo. However! It's not possible to suck up porn shop dildos or butt-plugs or fists with the vacuum cleaner. Running With Scissors honcho Vince Desi says:

Village Person Gets Postal III Appearance

Randy "The Cowboy Guy In The Village People" Jones will be appearing in the upcoming shooter Postal III, Running With Scissors announced today.

Jones will appear as the leader of a gay biker gang in the game. Good to see that Postal isn't into type casting or anything. When not appearing in Postal III video games, Jones is still plugging away on his music career with a new CD and international concert tour. Starting this weekend he will also be starting in the Broadway musical Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. Hmmm, I wonder which of these he's not going to put on his resume.

Full release on the jump.

Postal Blu-ray Coming In August

Statistically speaking, the chance of you catching Uwe Boll's Postal in the theater is extremely low, and now that we are all feeling either saddened or mildly bemused at his plight with the film adaptation of Running With Scissors' over-the-top game franchise I'm sure we're itching to catch the film when it hits retail outlets. We'll have our chance on August 26th, the day newbie blu-ray publisher UMVD Visual Entertainment has slated for the high-definition release. High-Def Digest has an interesting description for the release in their announcement post.

Directed by much-derided shlockmeister Uwe Boll, 'Postal' stars Zack Ward as a misfit who sets out to rob his local amusement park while getting mixed-up with a faction of the Taliban. Barely released in U.S. cinemas last year, the film grossed less than $5 million at the box office domestically.

Catch An Early Screening Of Postal

I know what you woke up thinking this morning: "How can I possibly wait until Uwe Boll's masterpiece POSTAL hits theaters May 23rd?" Well, my friends...if for some reason you are reading the site while standing, grab a seat. Early screenings will run in both New York (April 1st at the Tribeca Film Center) and Chicago (April 3rd at the Lake Street Screening Room).

And if you'd like to see the film for free, you can dig up their Facebook profile and make a comment about the movie on their wall before March 28th—five pairs of tickets will be given away to the group. Play nice. Here's the full show info:

I'm not sure if I pity Verne Troyer or envy him. Here is a tiny little man who makes a living being a smaller, more abrasive version of other people. People dress him up as say, Indiana Jones, and then film him saying things like, "This is a message for Indiana Jones. I'll fuck you up!" in his little tiny voice. It's all part of a contest over at the Postal movie's MovieSet web page, which plays up the "hopelessly outclassed" marketing angle Uwe Boll's people have cooked up. After watching the clip you are challenged to guess what's in Verne's sack for a chance to win the contents, but I don't think any of us really want to know what Verne is carrying around in his sack. Best just to hit the link, view the clip, and leave such questions unpondered.

Mini Indy Calls Out Big Indy [Postal MovieSet]

Uwe Boll - We Will Destroy Indiana Jones

"We will go out and destroy Indiana Jones at the box office!" thundered a confident Uwe "Raging" Boll of the first film to win him positive reviews, even from the video game community.

Kill Uwe Boll in Postal 3

Postal 3 is shaping up.

I got a chance to check out the shooter at the Game Developers Conference yesterday with Running With Scissors founder Vince Desi and despite having only a rumored three weeks to work on it, they were able to show me a small slice of the game.

In it the Postal Guy is in need of some cash, having moved to a new town after nuking the last one he was in, so he walks into a employment office and up to a bulletin board to find a job. The only listing available, when I saw the game, was for Environmental Maintenance Specialist at Ron's Porn World.

Running With Scissors, publishers of controversial shooter Postal, announced today that they have named Tommy Tallarico, the man behind the Video Games Live concerts, the person of the year.

Why is a developer handing out Person of the Year awards? Good question.

"This is an acknowledgment on our part," explained RWS CEO Vince Desi, "of someone who has been both a dynamic force within the video game industry and a good friend to Running With Scissors. Tommy Tallarico has achieved what so few artists have in any field by successfully crossing over two giant industries, blending games and music; truly an amazing feat. He has brought a unique recognition to our industry and his musical talent and relentless effort have made a difference for all of us."

The award was announced at the publisher's annual Christmas party in Tucson, Arizona. Tallarico sounded adequately befuddled.

"It's an honor to be recognized for bringing recognition to the industry that I love so much," Tommy responded. "As the industry starts to take itself more seriously I hope it never loses sight of what we're all about.... fun. I've seen a lot of industry progress over my career and still think there is a lot more to go. I'm looking forward to what the future holds and I'm humbled and grateful to receive this acknowledgment."

I do like what Tallarico is doing for the industry (and still want him to have a concert here in Denver), but I'm not sure how delighted he actually is being named Postal's Person of the Year.

Postal 3 Web Page Is Live, Offensive

POSTAL III is not intended for Politicians, your mom, your little sister, or the priest molesting her. It is a game about free will. Violence begets violence and the choice is yours.

Postal Babes Mobilize

"I feel like Austin Powers," admitted a shagged out Vince Desi. "The world is truly going POSTAL. The Postal Movie by Uwe Boll and now the Postal Babes going mobile. I welcome Herocraft into the Running With Scissors family. This represents a new era in the history of our brand's extension as the first time a subset of the POSTAL world has received its own license."

Uwe Defends Postal's 9/11 Hilarity

Uwe Boll Makes With The 9/11 Hilarity

Postal Devs Completely Shameless

"Hey," the Postal Dude supposedly admitted, "maybe it was Anna Nick-hole; maybe it wasn't. All I know is two things. One, she kept screaming "I can't feel my legs!" after our first hour together and two, I don't think she was on that Trimspa trip then, cause it sure looked like there was two of her."

Music Inspired By Postal

"I never had any intention of releasing a music CD," admitted RWS conductor Vince Desi. "It was purely the result of long-time fan demand and an interest on the part of musicians from around the world who were musically inspired by our games and expressed themselves in the widest possible range of musical styles."

Running with Scissors Packs Fudge

Mac Goes Postal, Or is That The Other Way Round?

Postal 3 In the Works: and They're Worried About Bully?!

Ron Perlman Signed to Postal Movie