Jizz Mopping Through The Dildo Wonderland

Postal III ups the Postal bar. And that's not easy! Sure, the upcoming third-person Postal title features franchise standards like setting people on fire and shooting the crap outta everything. Postal III offers new weapons like the Badger Saw. (Instead of simply carrying around a chainsaw, the Postal Dude packs a large badger, which he uses to shred people to bits.)

This time around, the Postal Dude gets his first job in a porn shop/strip club, working as a jizz mopper with a vacuum cleaner strapped to his back. The Postal Dude sucks up drenched tissues and can fire them at things like portly soccer moms who are protesting porn or pole dancing strippers, drenching both in, um, white goo. However! It's not possible to suck up porn shop dildos or butt-plugs or fists with the vacuum cleaner. Running With Scissors honcho Vince Desi says:

Village Person Gets Postal III Appearance

Randy "The Cowboy Guy In The Village People" Jones will be appearing in the upcoming shooter Postal III, Running With Scissors announced today.

Jones will appear as the leader of a gay biker gang in the game. Good to see that Postal isn't into type casting or anything. When not appearing in Postal III video games, Jones is still plugging away on his music career with a new CD and international concert tour. Starting this weekend he will also be starting in the Broadway musical Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. Hmmm, I wonder which of these he's not going to put on his resume.

Full release on the jump.

Postal Wins Award... Really

Uwe Boll must be on cloud nine, maybe even ten or eleven.

Running with Scissors just announced that his Postal film won not one, but two awards at the Hoboken International Film Festival. Boll took home $500 cash money for the best director award, beating out the directors of films like Crazy, Strange Girls, The Sensei and Flyboys. Oh, snap! Boll beat out D. Lee Inosanto!!!

Postal also was named the best of the festival despite showings of The Noogies, In The Eyes of a Killer, Predator’s Return and The Pack.

"When the fans speak, WE WIN,” said Vince Desi, the movies executive producer and founder of Running With Scissors. “We know this from our experience in the game industry and now the film business just confirms it. The continued success of the POSTAL franchise in all its forms is proof that democracy works; you cannot stop what’s in the hearts of the people. Freedom will always triumph over tyranny."

The New Jersey awards fly in the face of the movies mysterious box office opening when it hit 13 screens nationwide, and put a little salve on Boll's ego, bruised when hundreds walked from a free screening of the movie earlier this month... oh wait, that was at the same festival.

Approximately 200 theatergoers walked out of a free Postal screening in New Jersey last Friday. While Hoboken Mayor David Roberts refused to attend the screening, he stated that he did not like the film's 9/11-style attack gag and added that it was "too soon to mock a plane going into the World Trade Center." According to Boll:

Being politically correct, let's say, the big studios are kind of overdoing it... I feel it is time now to make a really wild movie, something over the top... We don't spare any group. We don't want to hurt anybody but we want to break the rules... We want to make people think: What is a taboo? We want to make people start thinking about their own boundaries and rules.

It's kind of curious of Mayor Roberts to say it's "too soon to mock a plane going into the World Trade Center". Does that mean eventually it will be okay to mock that? And if so, who will decide that? Rather subjective, no?

Postal Offends Some [NJ.com via Binge Gamer] [Pic]

Oh! Uwe Boll's movie adaptation of Postal came out this weekend and we totally forgot about it. That might have something to do with the fact that it opened on thirteen screens. That's obviously small potatoes but far, far better than the four screens it was reported to bow on previously. Variety's The Cut Scene looked into Postal's opening weekend—it went up against Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull which did $126 million—and found out that the movie raked in... well, they have no idea. Yes, that's weird. Not screening for critics is one thing, but keeping hush hush on your take is something else.

Postal's Box Office mystery [The Cut Scene]

Uwe Boll Gets Serious

Interview with Uwe Boll [LoadingReadyRun Thanks everyone for sending this in!]

Postal Blu-ray Coming In August

Statistically speaking, the chance of you catching Uwe Boll's Postal in the theater is extremely low, and now that we are all feeling either saddened or mildly bemused at his plight with the film adaptation of Running With Scissors' over-the-top game franchise I'm sure we're itching to catch the film when it hits retail outlets. We'll have our chance on August 26th, the day newbie blu-ray publisher UMVD Visual Entertainment has slated for the high-definition release. High-Def Digest has an interesting description for the release in their announcement post.

Directed by much-derided shlockmeister Uwe Boll, 'Postal' stars Zack Ward as a misfit who sets out to rob his local amusement park while getting mixed-up with a faction of the Taliban. Barely released in U.S. cinemas last year, the film grossed less than $5 million at the box office domestically.

Uwe Boll A Bit Upset About Postal

You have to feel a bit bad for Uwe Boll at this point. Granted he's made some terrible movies, but he didn't deserve to have his big Postal movie that he was all excited about limited to only four movie screens across the entire country. On the movie's official website, Boll takes a moment to vent about websites that are claiming this setback as a triumph against him.

To all of you writing now about me and the fact that POSTAL is not getting screens.its okay ..its fun kicking a guy nonstop who is on the ground you are all not getting it that i'm the guy who made it against the big hollywood system and you are all only busy to destroy me and finish me up and then you YOU WON WHAT ? the attention of the studios, michael bay .. ????? if you damage me you feel closer to Hollywood ? what is your game plan?

The Official Postal Movie Site [Official Site via GameSpot]

Postal Opening On Four Screens (Yes, FOUR)

Theatrical distributors are boycotting Postal because of its political content. We were prepared to open on 1500 screens all across America on May 23rd. Any multiplex in the U.S. should have space for us, but they're afraid... We have even tried to buy a few screens in New York and Los Angeles, and they won't let us even rent the theaters! I urge independent exhibitors to contact us and book 'Postal'! Audiences have been expecting the film and I don't think exhibitors should censor what gets played in U.S. theaters.

Bay vs. Uwe Boll Round 3: "Bay Agreed To Fight" [Updated]

Hi here's Uwe Boll, I'm very happy to say the fight is on. Boll Vs. Bay. It's a rumble in the jungle 2, it will be in Kinshasa, Zaire. I think September 30th will be the fight. Boll against Bay. He agreed to do it, I'm very proud of it. So if you want to be live there you need ten tickets from Postal opening May 23rd. You bring these tickets and this will be the entry to the boxing fight, Boll against Bay. Or you can buy tickets on eBay or wherever else you can buy it, of course also, but I think the cheapest way is with the Postal tickets. OK, so Michael Bay, start training and I think you will go down to be honest. I think round three or round four you will go down in history, not only for the worst war movie ever: Pearl Harbor, no, also for the worst boxer in the ring against Uwe Boll ever. Thank you.

Spielberg And Michael Bay Are Plotting Against Me

I tracked down who's signing that petition, and these are like a few people, getting under different identities and things in the internet and signing it over and over again. The second thing is that I was able to find that actually Michael Bay and Steven Spielberg under various different identities posting ongoing that I should stop making movies, and I know why: They are afraid of the competition. What jealous internet nerds and wannabe filmmakers are signing that petition?

Michael Bay Responds To "Fucking Retard" Remark

Michael Bay is a powerful man. He's not a fucking retard. So when Uwe Boll called Michael Bay a fucking retard, the Armageddon director thought he should, you know, say something. On his own official message board, Bay wrote:

I find people who rant like that - calling shit about both me, and George Clooney - comes from someone screaming because he is not being heard. He is obviously a sad being. When you ask 'do I care?' Not in the slightest.

M

Uwe Boll's Postal Getting Rave Reviews From People You've Never Heard Of

It's rare that I make it out the local cineplex these days unless former Village People cowboy Randy Jones gives it his stamp of approval. Fortunately for Uwe Boll and whomever bankrolled his latest video game adaptation Postal, they've got a tenner coming their way, fresh from my wallet! Just kidding, obviously, but the film does appear to be on the receiving end of rave review from people you're sure to be unfamiliar with, including that guy from the blog you haven't read Times Square Gossip who wrote that Postal is so funny "you are going to drop your popcorn." What's funny about dropped popcorn? That's serious.

Other folks whose opinion carries no weight say that the movie is "the funniest film of the year" and will bring you to tears or the brink of incontinence. Even Postal developer Vince Desi says the film has been "sharpened" and I can't imagine he'd be anything but honest with us about the movie based on his game.

About another half-review is contained in the press release after the jump.

Uwe Boll Responds To Million Man Petition: "Look, I'm Not A Fucking Retard"

Yes, we've definitely heard all about Uwe Boll's claim that if a million concerned gamers were to band together, say via internet petition, he'd stop making movies. You can throttle bak on the tips, Turbo. While no one at the Kotaku Towers complex believes that Uwe will give up the movie biz for a second, it doesn't seem to have curbed enthusiasm for an internet rallying cry. How does Mr. Boll respond?

In shattered English, Boll says he hopes that someone, somewhere will start a pro-Uwe petition. Why? Here's why.

Poor Uwe Boll. Beat up some game nerds and making some shitty movies and suddenly everyone hates your guts. What gives?! Some folks dislike Uwe so much that they've created an online petition hoping to do what online petitions typically do: Nothing. That, or convince Dr. Boll to stop making crappy movies. Ha! From an interview with website FEARnet:

Are you aware that there is a petition online, signed by 18,000 people, requesting that you stop making movies?
Yeah, I know that. 18,000 is not enough to convince me.

How many would it take?
One million. Now we have a new goal.

Reader Vincent took one for the team. He not only met Uwe Boll, but also saw the early sneak Postal screening. In the same night. Reader Vincent sounds like a total masochist! According to reader Vincent, the movie is a "decent homage" to the game and "decently funny." Writes reader Vincent:

It's mostly an immature and dumb flick, but definitely Boll's best so far (not that that's saying much) and he should probably stick to making funny movies. Boll is a humble guy and I actually felt kinda bad for him, he mentioned being one o the most hated guys in the video game world and seemed kinda depressed saying it. I felt bad, but then I remembered he made House of the Dead /and/ Alone in the Dark /and /Bloodrayne /and /Dungeon Siege and then I didn't feel bad anymore.

Catch An Early Screening Of Postal

I know what you woke up thinking this morning: "How can I possibly wait until Uwe Boll's masterpiece POSTAL hits theaters May 23rd?" Well, my friends...if for some reason you are reading the site while standing, grab a seat. Early screenings will run in both New York (April 1st at the Tribeca Film Center) and Chicago (April 3rd at the Lake Street Screening Room).

And if you'd like to see the film for free, you can dig up their Facebook profile and make a comment about the movie on their wall before March 28th—five pairs of tickets will be given away to the group. Play nice. Here's the full show info:

I'm not sure if I pity Verne Troyer or envy him. Here is a tiny little man who makes a living being a smaller, more abrasive version of other people. People dress him up as say, Indiana Jones, and then film him saying things like, "This is a message for Indiana Jones. I'll fuck you up!" in his little tiny voice. It's all part of a contest over at the Postal movie's MovieSet web page, which plays up the "hopelessly outclassed" marketing angle Uwe Boll's people have cooked up. After watching the clip you are challenged to guess what's in Verne's sack for a chance to win the contents, but I don't think any of us really want to know what Verne is carrying around in his sack. Best just to hit the link, view the clip, and leave such questions unpondered.

Mini Indy Calls Out Big Indy [Postal MovieSet]