All will be revealed soon, teases the game's publisher THQ. In the meantime, Tera will be at the company's booth at Comic-Con on Saturday to pose for photographs and give convention goers the completely false impression that they have a chance in hell of getting together with her.

Porn star joins Saints Row dev team [CVG]

ooio [via Gizmodo]

This particular Lola looks to only have five fingers, so the fantasy may be blown for some of you. But for anyone looking for a NSFW thrill, carry on. Membership is obviously required, as we all know the internet doesn't give away its smut for free.

GTA A Tribute to Lola [Suicide Girls]

More than just people having sex in costume, "Rage of Bonan" actually recreates the very first quest in the game, which involves rescuing a bound, scantily dressed woman by killing a nearby enemy for the key to her shackles. Granted the woman in the game was blonde and it doesn't actually end with a sex scene...though I am sure it did in the minds of many of the males and not a few of the females who played through it.

Hit the jump for a gallery of pics from the clip that isn't very safe for work at all, as well as information on how you can be a part of Whorelore's new Conan fixation.

The actors in the above gallery are AVN Performer of the year Evan Stone and his real life girlfriend, Syren (possibly not her real name), so those of you who enjoy your pornography with a little personal involvement between the participants should get a kick out of that.

The Whorelore folks are so excited about Conan (you could tell before the NSFW fish showed up) that they've created their own guild in the game. They are currently taking applications at www.whoreloreguild.com. From the website:

Whore Lore is a guild of dedicated gamers with years of experience in MMOs and other games. We will be focused on both PVP and PVE and crushing content.

Not sure how I'd feel about having WhoreLore over my head everywhere I went in game, though I'm sure I've had worse.

Be sure to check out Crecente's exhaustive feature on all things World of Whorecraft / Whorelore related in case you need to figure out how exactly we got to this point. They recently released the episode featuring the "Holy Paladin" from those initial shots, though I've a feeling her holiness will be coming into question over the course of the story.

Whorelore Season 2 Episode 4 [Official Site]

As for those who would like to continue the episode's debate as to whether or not porn and videogames could one day fuse into a quite literal nerdgasm, hit the comments and wear gloves.

"The Uncanny Valley": Why Porn Video Games Suck [NSFW Fleshbot NSFW]

It would be pretty dope to be a Tomb Raider, or Resident Evil type-character. Fuck it, let's go all the way: they put Jenna in GTA VC, why not put me in the GTA universe somewhere? But I'd have to be able to kick some ass...strapped with two MP5K's and a black and grey skintight outfit.

My 13 year old managed to break the vacuum....thinking it would release him from that duty. He also has a list of other chores that were TYPED up for him to do Friday afternoon....one thing on the list was done...mind you these are simple things...empty the trash, clean your room, etc. Then I go thru the cookies on his computer and find out he has been checking out porn sites. Now there is a password so he can't even get on and his my-space page has a picture of snoopy on it now. Apparently I'm the meanest mom in the world, were his words.

I'm a single mom. I can't let them walk over me or I might never get up.

"Children aged 17 and under should not be sold this stuff, so they are not getting into the hands of 9- and 10-year-olds," said Larry Mayes, Menino's chief of human services.

"Is it going to be an uphill battle? Sure. But it's absolutely a battle that the mayor feels he should take on."

Menino: Ban violent vid games for kids [Boston Herald via Game Politics]

Do I like nerds? I am a nerd. I have shelves full of books at home about vampires and werewolves. And I always have my PSP with me. Right now I'm playing Jeanne D'Arc, which is just awesome. Also, I've got a PS3 and I'm dying for the new Final Fantasy to come out. See? I told you I was a total nerd.

A lot of people were emailing that bought a PlayStation and they were basically saying, 'When are you guys going to release Blu-ray?' They really have no preference in format yet because it's so new. When it comes down to image quality, there is no difference between the two.

World of Whorecraft, renamed Whorecraft and now, oddly enough, Whorelore, is back for its second season. For those of you who missed our feature on this blending of hardcore pornography and World of Warcraft, you should probably read the story, it's really quite fascinating.

Dez, the series producer, dropped me a line today to say that Whorelore will continue into next year with a second season, the first episode of which features female elf-on-elf sex and your typical follow up, inter-racial human-on-elf sex scene. Not content to stick with just prosthetic ears and a bit of handmade weapons and armor, the series has added honest to goodness special effect to the mix this time around.

I remain more intrigued than tantalized by the prospect of pornography made for an audience of gamers, even the more mainstream gamers that make up the World of Warcraft fanbase. What I wonder is if the attraction to something like these videos would come from some sort of elf fetish or if it's really about carrying over the fantasy of an MMO or RPG into the real world and that the sex thing is almost an aside.

Hit the jump for some NSFW pics and a school of happily nesting Kotaku pointing fish.

"We regret that these images slipped through the proper EA approval process," said a spokesperson for the publisher, speaking to GamesIndustry.biz. "They were not appropriate for our brand. The original site has been taken down this morning."

EA regrets Need for Speed porn promotion [GamesIndustry.biz]

The Suicide Girls, who have long had a voice in video gaming, popped up a naught set of Halo 3 inspired pictures today. The set is images of the lovely Alaina doing a strip tease out of a set of Mjolnir armor. Ouch, I hope she didn't pinch herself getting that chest plating off.

Hit the jump for a mostly not-safe-for-work pic. You'll have to join SC to get the full monty. Hey, you can tell your significant other you joined for "research."

Finish the Fight [Suicide Girls]

I interviewed film producer Dez earlier this year for a feature on his interesting, and pornographic take on the World of Warcraft. The World of Whorecraft fascinated me, not just because it was about beautiful women dressed up as characters from Warcraft having sex, but because there were some elements of real fantasy plot, an attention to detail in the costumes and a sense of fun that I suspect you don't normally see in pornography.

Dez pinged me last night to tell me that another gaming-themed porn series he had hinted to me about was now going live. FPS-Porn Operation Sex: Cock and Load is sort of the same idea as World of Warcraft, but built around the prevalent first-person shooter genre. Think games like Counter-Strike, Ghost Recon Advances Warfighter and Rainbow Six Three.

I had a chance to watch the first episode last night and it was certainly chockful of the gamer references from a killcam, to a mission briefing to shoot-outs filmed in first-person. But while I saw the same attention to detailed costumes, the same rudimentary plot the fact that it involved gunplay seemed to kill the sense of fun that I felt in the WoW take-offs. I'm sure the new series will have a devoted following, but there's already a flood of sex and violence out there so it didn't seem to stand out nearly as much as World of Warcraft.

FPS Porn

We'd recommend taking your time with this one. Crack a bottle of wine, take a rosewater bath, and be all good smelling for the experience. So yeah, just cancel your plans. There's a new Mass Effect video. They'll understand if they love you.

Mass Effect '1UP Exclusive Preview' [gamevideos]

Jewel Raider, with NSFW tush shots, after the jump.

Adult Treasure Expo [Moeyo!]

So, what could have pushed the PSP to iPod-like sales? Would an online store, offering digital downloads specifically targeted at the PSP, help the portable PlayStation ascend into sales heaven? Analyst James McQuivey calls the PSP "one of the best portable entertainment media devices that anyone has come up with in years" and suspects it "could have been the first big mobile carrier for TV shows and movies" if it had the services to back it up.

A movie download service was revealed by the Financial Times late last year, rumored to be ready for the first quarter of 2007. Five months in, we've seen nothing. Sony recently skirted the issue and focused more on its UMD movie format in our recent story, The Year of the PSP.

But will Sony be able to break tradition and shift focus from an unpopular proprietary format and provide PSP owners with a usable online store? They're definitely doing it, but we'll have to see just how they pull it off. Michael McWhertor

Can Sony click with download store? [CNet]

While I find this philosophical look at life as a Mii amusing, it would have been way better if it featured Kevin with a porn stache. Brian Crecente

Well I'm disappointed that you would use those as the first questions. I think Home should be used for a much wider and more beneficial scope than that, but I think that people can express their creativity inside Home in a wide variety of ways and it's not necessarily for us to dictate what that should be. However, if somebody feels uncomfortable about an encounter on Home, it's very easy for them to ban that person from their friends list...

Still, I applaud the folks at Three Speech, who somehow managed to keep the focus on porn potential even after witnessing the delightful LittleBigPlanet. While the rest of us were dreaming of little burlap people bouncing off stars, those guys were keeping it real. Michael Fahey

FURTHER PHIL HARRISON INTERVIEW FROM GDC [Three Speech via Eurogamer]

I don't know which is better about this satirical clip, the basic premise which has two clueless guys trying to pitch a stream of MMOs about things like auctioning, Excel and cats or the fact that one of the guys is Kevin Pereira with a porn stache. I'm gonna have to go with the porn stache.

Come on Kevin, get on board, all the cool game writers have facial hair. Do it. DO IT. DO IT! Brian Crecente

Laptops make good porn banks. Just ask llama obsessed game designer Jeff Minter. He was giving a keynote at the Independent Game Summit at GDC. Insert Credit's Brandon Sheffield reports:

[Minter] was showing the audience his old games. He misplaced the game Gridrunner++ ...so he was searching through his file tree — exposing for a moment on the large screen a folder entitled 'naughty.' That's my greatest fear for presenting, let me tell you! Luckily the folder wasn't opened, and only displayed for a fraction of a second...

Luckily or unluckily? Brian Ashcraft

Jeff Minter is Naughty [Insert Credit]

A tipster sends word that The Porn Talk, a site backed by a secretive faith-based ministry in California, is prepping to attack Nintendo's Wii and other gaming devices, calling them "portals to porno" in a press release.

In the press release, leaked to Kotaku today, The Porn Talk founder Mike Foster does his best to stoke up some fear about the Wii saying that even though the device has parental controls, "parents don't see a need for them because they are unaware of the porn capabilities."

With a headline that reads "The Wii's Dirty Little Secret," the story's caustic tone is more off-putting than what little facts are presented. The full press release is on the jump.

I find it funny that a site that seems to go to so much effort to hide its ties to religion and ministry work is using the phrase dirty little secret. Brian Crecente

The Wii's Dirty Little Secret

The Wiittle Porn Problem For Nintendo's Best Selling Game Console

CORONA, CA - The Nintendo Wii gaming console has a wiittle porn problem. That's right; this seemingly innocent family game console has a dirty little secret. It has the dubious ability to access pornography via the internet and most parents are not aware of this fact according to www.ThePornTalk.com

Like many new gaming technologies, the Wii's wireless internet capabilities make it a portal to porno. "Parents think the computer is the only way for their kids to get porn on the internet. Unfortunately, they are dead wrong," says Mike Foster, founder of ThePornTalk.com. "Gaming devices like the Wii and the PSP aren't just for fun games anymore. You're able to surf the net, chat with friends, email, and view porn because of its internet access. Kids know this but parents don't!"

Wireless internet (Wi-Fi) technology allows electronic devices like Nintendo's Wii to wirelessly connect to the internet. Airports, Starbucks, schools, and even entire cities give people the opportunity to log on the internet with a Wi-Fi device like the Wii or even Sony's PSP. "This makes it very difficult to monitor as a parent. You can easily put safeguards in your house but it's impossible to monitor in a Wi-Fi world," says Foster. "Even though the Nintendo Wii has parental controls, parents don't see a need for them because they are unaware of the porn capabilities."

The Nintendo Wii has become the best-selling video game console in the United States, outselling Microsoft and Sony competitors in the month of January, 2007. Because of its success many websites have taken advantage of its online capability. Several companies have changed the look and functionality of their web sites to accommodate the Wii. The porn industry is also implementing these changes to their sites. Porn websites are taking the look of the Wii's home page and menus and modeling their own sites after them. Porn sites are even converting their video clips so that they can run on the Wii.

So the solution lies in parents getting the facts and then talking to their children about expectations for online activity. Foster believes that, "Whether it is the home computer or these new gaming consoles, porn is easily accessible. The Wii is an amazing console and tons of fun but parents need good info on how to keep kids safe."

About ThePornTalk.com
ThePornTalk.com is an innovative web resource that helps parents talk to their kids about porn and internet dangers. The site features conversation starters, videos, a weekly podcast, parent's stories and other resources. Contributors to the site include child advocates, pastors, therapists, and kids themselves.

Add erotic PC games to places where Japanese adult vids take inspiration. Back in 2002, PC title maker AliceSoft's Tsumamigui (NSFW) was the best selling erotic computer game. The title is a kanji word play on the Japanese word "wife" (tsuma) and "eat secretly" (tsumamigui). Fast forward to the present day, AliceSoft has given its blessing to a hardcore skin flick based on the game. Above the film's starlets pose with their in-game counterparts. No word whether the game's fans are pissed that women with normal sized eyes have been cast. I know I am! Brian Ashcraft

Video Images Here [NSFW]

By: Brian Crecente

The first episode almost didn't happen.

A two mile hike up the steep hills of the scrub and rock strewn wilds of Topanga State Park in 108 degree weather exhausted the female star, and the male star, burdened down with 60 pounds of faux plate and chain mail during the hike, was about to pass out.

"It was a nightmare," says the film's producer Dez. "They were both almost passing out, we didn't bring enough water and the only shade was next to these little boulders."

But the two stars mustered enough strength to film 35 minutes of sword fight before having nearly as much sex.

Geek porn may have not been born out there under that sweltering August sun, but it was most certainly conceived there.

And Dez was around to capture it on video: Two porn stars, one dressed as a thief, the other as a fighter, acting out one of dungeons and dragons longest running jokes: Rogues do it from behind.

Speaking to me earlier this month, Dez laughs at the title of the Premiere Whorecraft episode.

"Yeah, I know," he says, when I point out that the title shares a name with a pretty popular t-shirt slogan. "I had to do it."

Since filming that first episode last year, Dez has produced five more episode of Whorecraft, a send up to massively multiplayer online gaming that seem to share, at times, distinct similarities to World of Warcraft.

Dez, an enthusiastic gamer and self-admitted World of Warcraft addict, says he'd been playing around with the idea of creating a series of movies based on fantasy massively multiplayer games for a couple of years.

"I've been playing D and D and have been a huge gamer all of my life, since back in the days of Golden Axe, and I just felt it was time for something new," he said.

On Plot, Acting and Bears
Dez started in the porn business as an agent, then segued into making the films (he's performed in more than 600 movies) before finally shifting to directing. After putting out 60 movies, he decided it was time to persue his concept piece.

"People have made medieval porn and stuff, but no one has ever done the more creative aspects of fantasy gaming, like elves and knights," he said.

And Dez was sure there would be a market for it.

"People play these games and see these sexy elves, but they don't ever get to see the elves have sex," he said. "A lot of people try to roleplay in the game, but I decided to bring it out into the real world and do it right."

The six episodes, which range from 19 to 30 minutes long each, have logged a total of 20,000 purchases and about five times as many bit torrents, something Dez says he can't profit from or control.

Since filming that first short episode in the state park, Dez has concentrated on making his movies more plot driven and episodic in nature. He's even taken to having women from previous episodes appear for a short talking role as actresses only. Something nearly unheard of in the porn industry.

"All of the episodes link with each other, so we have reoccurring characters and that's really hard to do in the porn industry, it has such a fast burn-out rate," he said. "And very few actresses are actresses in our industry. They are not used to role-playing or acting they are used to going to the porn set and doing there thing then leaving."

Dez's movies also take much longer to film because they have so many non-sex scenes.

"With most porn it's like in one day you shoot five scenes and then you're done," he said. "These episodes take two weeks to film and then another week in post production."

And while the films are still most certainly hardcore porn, they do include some nice touches, like weapons and armor crafted just for the films, choreographed fight scenes, and in one of the episodes, a bear.

"That was two days of shooting, just to get the bear comfortable around everybody and it was a nightmare to do," Dez said, laughing. "The guy we rented the bear from, he did the tigers in the movie Gladiator. He's the body double for Russell Crowe, he's actually in episode four."

And it won't stop with bears, upcoming episodes will feature blue screen work with a dragon, perhaps, or maybe real tigers.

"The skies the limit for this stuff," he said. "Initially it was just for gamers, but I think we're attracting more and more people not into games now."

The Porn WoW Guild
While Mia Rose, an up and coming porn starlet who appeared in the second and third episodes of Whorecraft, has been too busy to do any recent episodes, Dez says she will be making a return.

In the meantime, another rising star, british porn actress Hannah Harper, is teaming up with Dez to star in his next movie and, perhaps, help him write it.

"I've always enjoyed that part of the industry," Harper said. "I've always liked working on the scripts, dressing up, setting up the fantasy. I did theater back in college in England."

While Harper hadn't played World of Warcraft before agreeing to work with Dez, she has since become a full-blown addict.

"The last video game I played with was Mario Brothers when I was nine," she said. "But my boyfriend and Dez have been playing World of Warcraft for about two years. I could never stand the appeal."

Harper decided to check the game out when the Burning Crusade expansion pack was released.

"I started playing when Burning Crusade came out and I got completely hooked," she said. "I played 15 hours straight, it was all weekend."

And like many hardcore gamers, she can't really explain her obsession.

"Friends of mine have asked me what do you do, what is so great about the game. I don't know. But I dream about it now."

Harper says she plays with her boyfriend, Dez and a few other porn stars. She plays a Blood Elf Priest "because they stand back a bit in combat."

When she started the game, every time someone attacked her she would panic and die. Now she knows to stick close to her guildmates, who are all close to level 70.

Harper points out that despite her late start in the game she's built up her character to level 26... one bar from 27.

"Initially I was doing the movie out of friendship to Dez, but as soon as I started playing the game I was like 'Oh my god, I have to do this,'" she said. "I can't sleep at night because I think about all of the things that could transfer so easily from the game to the movie."

From RPG to FPS
Dez insists that Whorecraft is a product of love, not money. He is a huge fan of the game and this is his way of showing that.

I've talked to my share of people pretending to be gamers, and Dez didn't strike me as one of those.

It's telling that when Dez received a cease and desist letter from Vivendi he seemed more worried about the possibility of losing his four high level characters than he was about any possible suit.

"I'm sure it's fair use, but I don't want to rock any boats," he said. "It's no biggie so I changed the name of the movies... I don't want to lose my characters, I've got two probably worth $5,000."

Now that Whorecraft's popularity seems to be taking off, Dez is exploring other games ripe for porn renditions.

His next geek porn project, he says, will be a a first-person shooter film that is "kind of counter-strikish."

"We're going to have demolitions experts on hand, guns firing blank rounds, I even have a member of the LA SWAT Team who's going to help," he said. We are really going to do it. It's going to be hot."

"I'm having more fun doing this than the straight up gonzo porn," he said. "I could have made some website, put some swords on it and then had some chicks blowing people and it would have done great. But that's not why I'm doing this. I'm doing this because it's cool and people dig it."

From porn star Ron Jeremy to The Simpsons Futurama and from real art to fan art, Mario has been re-imagined over and over again. Here's a gallery of different Marios. You might've seen most of them before, but it's nice to have them all in one place for easy perusal. Brian Ashcraft

Eds Note: A reader just let us know that one of these uncredited Marios was created by Justin Coffee at Deviant Art.

Marios Galore [Media Post]

You've seen these exclusive Kotaku pictures of Hannah Harper if you read my feature on the people behind the episodic porn movies roughly based on the World of Warcraft. But I also received a batch of very not safe for work images. Since I'm such a prude about such things, I asked our porn friendly brother site Fleshbot to do their magic with the story and host the images as well as links to their previous coverage of starlet Hannah Harper.

Click on the link, but don't yell at me when you get fired/divorced/aroused. Brian Crecente

Exclusive: Hannah Harper Does Whorecraft [Fleshbot]

The PSP's UMD format became synonymous with pornography. Could PS3 downloads be next? An opportunistic Japanese website called SEXUAL HD (nice Sony-style caps!) is dishing up hi def downloads via the PLAYSTATION 3's online browser. Offering some very NSFW clips to members, users get access to downloads for one month at 5,000 yen (US $41.40). The site is calling the 1080p optimized vids "next-gen porn." So, does that make it PORN B3YOND? Brian Ashcraft

PS3 Dirty HD [NSFW Site]

In the sequel, you're Hugo Hafner, the "erotic scene's star producer" and your goal is to "extensively care for your girls in your pompous villa, arrange many parties and have fun with your guests and your roommates." Also, you're apparently supposed to "convince the young beauties constantly with a fine figure and enough endurance" because "the Grim Reaper is constantly closing in!".

I thought about trying to decipher what that all means, but realized, hey, it's a German mobile phone game. I'd want those minutes back on my death bed.

The extensive feature list and unmissable press release are after the jump. Michael McWhertor

HandyGamesTM starts in 2007 with "Porn Manager 2 - The Villa"

After the huge success of Porn Manager, HandyGames proudly presents this year's top seller, which is based on the motto Enjoy your life to the fullest!"!

As the erotic scene's star producer you have reached everything during your professional life: girls, fame and lots of money!

You slip into the role of the most enviable man of the world! It's your task to enjoy your retirement as long as possible in the most comfortable way and to reach a truly biblical age!

Because your elixir of life are pretty, glamorous girls, you have to try to gather as many of them around you as possible. Since you are a true gentleman, you extensively care for your girls in your pompous villa, arrange many parties and have fun with your guests and your roommates.

A life of total privacy wouldn't be suitable for an old pickup like you! Invite the press regularly and use your beautiful girls to increase your popularity. Convince the young beauties constantly with a fine figure and enough endurance.

Try hard - the Grim Reaper is constantly closing in!

As from the 6th February 2007 will Hugo Hafner's funny game be available for download.

Features:
* Lead an excessive evening of life in your pompous villa!
* Enjoy the presence of the world's most beautiful women
* Parties, press and glamour aplenty are the key to a long life
* Extensively care for your girls
* Clothe your beauties according to your wishes and make generous gifts
* Countless possibilities and actions
* Huge villa with Chill-Out area, love nest and legendary grotto of lust
* Tutorial-tour through the villa
* Savegame
* Highscore
* Simple controls

Strategy Informer has strategically informed us that they now have the Gothic 3 demo up for download. Gothic 3 is the latest in a series of PC RPG games by German developer Piranha Bytes, featuring an open-ended world that you explore in the guise of The Nameless Hero, fight epic battles, and pee.

The full game ships to North American retailers on November 14th. I hope they've taken the extra time to iron out the bugs that plagued the European release last month. Give the demo a try, and experience the hot gay porn combat engine for yourself. Michael Fahey

Gothic 3 Demo [Strategy Informer]

You might want to sit down for this news. Apparently, you can use the web browser built into the Playstation Portable. And (I'm telling you, sit down) you can use that browser to plug into the porn-choked intertubes. That's right, porn on your Playstation Portable. Someone better alert the police. Next you're going to tell me that laptops get porn. Brian Crecente

Actually, it's a pretty cool look at the massive amounts of Twilight Princess being shipped to your game retailer of choice. Check out the photo gallery for more. Michael McWhertor

Wii And Zelda Porn (Unfortunately Totally Safe For Work)

Gamespot member Adolfobaja posts that Mexican magazine Atomix already got their greedy little hands on a retail Wii. And he posted the pictures to prove it. Cue the badada badada badada music and hit the jump for the rest of the show. Brian Crecente

Wii pictures from Inside the Box!! [Gamespot Adolfobaja]

In what has to be the best list in recent memory, game site Game Revolutions knocks out the fifty worst game titles. Guidelines state that games must have been released on legitimate platforms, and the list tried to not rely on easy picks like Engrish, educational games and adult software. Losers Winners include such jewels as the dynamite throwing pencil game Wild Woody, monkey actioner Spanky's Quest, uh Sticky Balls, racing title Iggy's Reckin' Balls, Wargasm and the winner Irritating Stick. Horrible game names, delightful porno titles. Brian Ashcraft

Best Of The Bad [Game Revolution via GayGamer]

If you like ogling hardcore Sony hardware, well, IGN's got you covered. The site received its PS3, unwrapped it (slowly) and snapped photos of the goodies. What did the site's freebie box contain? A USB cord, an AV cable, a LAN cable and what looks like a complimentary HDMI cable. And that's weeks before consumers get a crack at the console. Brian Ashcraft

Unwrapping the PS3 [IGN via QJ.Net]

by Brian Ashcraft

"If you stick around, there's gonna be a talk show at 4:30 pm," says a girl wearing a slinky red dress and heels. "And they'll be talking about the game."
"We've got manzai tickets," a short college student-type replies. His friend stands by, arms folded, gripping two slips of white paper. Tickets, I assume.
"Nana Natsume will be making an appearance."
"Who's Nana Natsume?" he knee-jerks.
"She's the biggest adult video actress in Japan," the Red Dress clicks off. "Don't you want to see the biggest adult video actress in Japan?"
"Guess the manzai can wait a little bit."

Guess so.

South Osaka, in front of Namba Yes!, a showcase for the Yoshimoto Kogyo theater, the country's most influential comedy institutions. Wonder why all the famous comedians are from Osaka? Who invented the word "manzai"? Thank Yoshimoto. Me, I don't have manzai tickets and haven't heard of this Nana Natsume, either.

Across from the Yoshimoto theater with its orange awnings, I'm in line, a very short line albeit that, to play Ryu Ga Gotoku 2. There's a small trailer filled with HD monitors and PS2, providing a sneak peak before the game drops December 7 in Japan. It's the sequel to Ryu Ga Gotoku, known as Yakuza in the west. Earlier, I had contacted Sega Japan, requesting an interview with the game's producer, Toshihiro Nagoshi—famous for creating Super Monkey Ball and being really, really brown.

The girl in the slinky red dress is now talking to me, asking me if where I'm from in c-lear-ly en-nun-cia-ted Ja-pa-ne-se. Oh, you're from Dallas? She then tells me she lived in Tex-as, for a year. Lub-bock. Still clear as crystal and annoying.

Standing there, in that red dress, chatting me up, telling me she's going back in February. I'm the only person waiting in line to play Ryu Ga Gotoku 2, and Sega's hired out this girl to make sure I have a good time. It's like I'm at a hostess bar, minus the bar and the bar tab. So, this is how you promote a third-person sandbox brawler. All that's missing is an interview with Nagoshi.

Regarding that, Sega's reply was a polite, yet firm "no." I offered to send questions in Japanese if there wasn't time to meet face-to-face with Nagoshi in Osaka. Trying a work around, I asked Sega of America if they could help, and they politely declined as well. Okay, he's a busy man. He's got games to make, white clothes to buy. But it wasn't that I couldn't interview Nagoshi, it was that I couldn't interview him about Ryu Ga Gotoku 2. Period. Why? Sega hasn't decided to release the title in America, and I, living and paying taxes in Japan, fell under overseas press. Thank writing in English for that.

It didn't matter that anyone anywhere with a computer can easily access what I'm writing. The internet, it seems, has borders. And those borders follow things like domestic release dates for PlayStation 2 games. God forbid, people outside Japan read an interview about a game they cannot buy. Imagine the chaos when a customer goes into their local EB Games, asking for a copy of Ryu Ga Gotoku 2—only to be told it's not available.

She's now asking me if I've ever been to some anime convention in Dallas. "I-'ve be-en. I w-ent in cos-p-lay," she tells me in crystal clear Japanese. Oh, yeah? Just as I'm about to ask her what she went as, the girl in the slinky red dress disappears inside, comes back out and shows me to my demo console inside the makeshift trailer. "L-et me k-now if the-re a-re a-ny pro-bl-ems." 'K lady, thanks. She slinks away in that red dress, heels and all.

While the original title took place in Tokyo, Ryu Ga Gotoku 2 is set in Osaka. Historically, the Tokyo region (Kanto) and Osaka's (Kansai) have historically been rivals of sorts. Though, people in Osaka are more acutely aware of this rivalry. Ryu Ga Gotoku 2 attempts to capitalize by pitting the baddest yakuza in Tokyo against the toughest Osaka gangster.

I'm crawling through the Dotonbori, beating the tar outta some old dude. For all the chatter I've heard about the Ryu Ga Gotoku being slammed together from left over assets, so far, I'm enjoying it. So is the frumpy woman next to me, who's pounding out combos as she kicks some dude's teeth in. The opening stage I'm roaming around does look like Dotonbori—even if, the area that you can wander is greatly restricted, too much so. But yeah, sure, the game's fun.

On a loud speaker outside, I can hear an announcement: At 4:30 pm, there will be a talk show with Nana Natsume. No Nagoshi? On the sign promoting the talk show, Nana Natsume gets top billing (even though she's a minor in-game character). Well, she is the biggest porno actress in the country. And Nagoshi, he's brown.

I shuffle outside. A crowd has been assembled. A special area has been roped off in the front. That's for press. Japanese press. Sega didn't offer a spot for me, so I squeeze into a sea of looky-loo's. Guys in Sega jackets stand in front of me, blocking my view. They've got a video camera and a digi cam, so they're good to go. I, conversely, cannot see anything, save for the back of their heads. In front of them, I can make out some reporter.

Observation: As long as Famitsu or Game Watch Impress show up, that's all that Japanese game companies care about. The rest, well, you can go stand next to the old men in itchy green sweaters and tourists from the countryside eating takoyaki.

Moving right, I can see a small enclosed room behind the trailer. There's a roped off walkway, leading to the room.

Tan whiteness.

Nagoshi has arrived. He ducks into that little room, comes back out and smokes a couple cigarettes. Like many Japanese men, he only smokes it half way before snuffing it out. He looks directly at me, we make eye contact, and then, he immediately goes into that little room. Just wanna talk, dude, just wanna talk.

On stage, a woman, also in white and high heels, starts talking into the mic, announcing Nana Natsume. It's not "Nana Natsume," big time porn star, but just "Nana Natsume." That's the same Nana Natsume, a man in a business suit informs his friend, "that is in some movie where they draw a target around her butt hole in red magic marker."

Swell.

I'm off to the side, watching that enclosed room. A man in torn jeans emerges. He had escorted Nana moments earlier. He's carrying a Louis Vuitton purse. No doubt, Nana's. I've never seen a real porn star before, let alone a porn star's purse. And let me tell you, tacky.

The Lady in White calls Nagoshi to the stage. Smattering of applause. He seems nervous, and its difficult to hear what he's saying, because the sound system is shit, and I'm standing next to old men in itchy sweaters and tourists from the countryside eating takyoyaki and not sitting down front and center with the guys from Famitsu.

"We didn't have a lot of time," Nagoshi says. "And it was difficult, but Sega wanted me to put out a sequel, and I was happy to do so." He's now talking about the "human drama" element. And that it is essential in the game. The old guy next to me in an itchy green sweater pops open a cup of vending machine sake and sips away.

"Osaka and Tokyo are rivals. But I really haven't been to Osaka that many times," Nagoshi confesses. "A lot of my staff is from Osaka, though."

The crowd is at a standstill. Now, the Lady in White is rattling off info about the game. She clutches a piece of paper. A press release, likely. And seven minutes later, just as the assembled crowd looks ready to disperse, she announced a "very special guest" and the Nagoshi-solo bit is done. Just over six minutes by my watch. Next up:

Ladies and gents, Nana Natsume.

She appears from the side, decked out in a fedora and shorts. For a girl that had a target drawn on her anus, she looks disappointingly "normal." And from behind, there's a push of bodies, real close. Clapping, lots of polite clapping, loudly. The cup of sake lingers in my nose, and I can make out the faint smell of oil. Everyone has out their cameras, camera phones and is snapping away.

It's difficult to see and hear what's going on with the mob of bodies and stupid comments emitting from those bodies. I'm pressed close to a business woman, holding an arm full of press releases. Sega PR, I assume. She's inches away. I stick my camera in front of her face, and snap off a round of pics.
Nana's talking about her initial meeting with "Nago-san" (cute, he has a nickname). "I was so surprised when I met him. He was brown and white. And he was wearing sunglasses."

Nana's wearing all black and sandwiched by the two in white. It's like some bizarro Oreo cookie.

I press sideways, accidently spilling vending machine sake on my jacket. Packed like sardines. Close, closer. More camera phones. Taking pictures. None taking pics of Nagoshi, but of Nana or Nana and the Lady in White. I'm in sausage party hell.

"I was kinda worried," Nana adds. "But everything turned out alright."

Moving through the crowd, I try to get closer, passing a greasy kid who's asking his buddy if he thinks Natsume slept with Nagoshi.

"Definitely."

The Lady in White is rattling off info about the mini games Ryu Ga Gotoku 2. There's bowling, golf, Mahjong, roulette and a UFO catcher. Nagoshi's now talking about the mini-games and about how players can run (and design!) their own hostess club. Nana mentions she likes hosts. Porno non sequitur.

Yet, instead I'm wrapped in a sea of people coming out of Yoshimoto comedy shows and trying to find "the best takoyaki" in Osaka (which is in my neighborhood, fyi). Honestly, over the crowd's white noise, I cannot hear what the hell they are saying on the stage anymore. They are simply smiling and laughing. It's like their are on mute.

Comments from the crowd I overhear:

• What's wrong with that man?
• Who's Nana Natsume?
• I have a couple of her videos. There's a threesome. She's cute.
• He's really brown.
• This is so boring
• Gross.
• You can't tell from what's she wearing, but Nana Natsume has big boobies.
• Look at that brown man.
• I don't know who these people are
• She does porn.
• It's some game thing.
• What's wrong with that brown man?

My watch says there's only a few minutes left in this thirty minute event. I keep squirming forward as Nana's talking, saying something about how she learned how emotional a game could be, blah, blah. Nagoshi's talking again, but it's difficult to hear what it is exactly and realizing that it doesn't even matter because those Famitsu guys down front and center are talking notes for me and you.

There's clapping, and like that the Lady in White is ushering them off stage, where Nagoshi loiters about and smokes. It's over. Like that, the crowd disperses, off to listen to manzai and eat takoyaki. I kinda stand around with a notepad filled with idiotic remarks innocent bystanders made and an empty feeling. No news, no decent quotes, fluff and wall-to-wall nothing. The girl in the slinky red dress comes out front to hand out Ryu Ga Gotoku 2 movie fliers. She never did answer my questions about that she wore to that anime convention in Dallas.

"Excuse me, you said you went to some anime convention in Dallas."
"Y-es?"
"What did you wear?"
"Wha-t d-id I we-ar?"
"The costume. You said you went in cosplay."
"A uni-form fro-m Toki Memo. I m-ade it my-self."
Gr-eat, th-an-ks.

Tokimeki Memorial. That's not Sega, but Konami. The girl, hired for this event, makes a "Shhh" gesture. It's getting dark, and I head off, making my way down the crowded Dotombori along a row of blowfish restaurants, offering deadly delicacies. No worries Red Dress, your secret is safe with me.

Yes, we admit, not very interesting, in which Liz Vicious (HOO HAH! Not safe for work!) sits around and plays Sega. Mildly racy, but nothing more than that. More interesting than the video, however, is perhaps this inexplicable comment by Faith Naked, lamenting the sorry state of girl gamers:

Liz Vicious plays video games before she decides to have her camera man zoom in like a perv, and then she shows off her new undies.

Shoot me if I ever do a video like this, because this is what is wrong with supposed girl gamers.

So the problem with girl gamers is that they're porn stars? Jeez. I wish! Faith Naked: Susan B. Anthony of Girl Gamers! Give poor Liz a break here, Faith. It's not like she's working at a strip club or anything. Florian 'Not Wearing Pants' 'Pre-Emptive Lighten-Up, Faith!' Eckhardt

Who gets off on this? [The Girl Gamer]

Courtesy of the lovely NeoGAF comes this fantastically hilarious look at the combative stylings of Gothic 3. You might want to turn the speakers down or put on some headphones, lest your wife, roommate or parents think you're spending your weekend afternoon cataloguing your gay porn collection. Please stick around for the NPC versus boar gangbang. Michael McWhertor

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