The only interesting thing to come out of it was Kojima talking about wanting to make a game with the DS where you used the controller to spank girls asses .... at least that's what I THINK he said!

Rant after the jump.

Two things. First, I was there, and Kojima never mentioned the DS. He didn't give a presentation, but only participated in the roundtable discussion. Miyamoto made a joke saying that Kojima wanted to make a Revolution game that'd be popular with girls. That is it. Second, Game Watch Impress was there, so if you don't believe me, take a look at their site. They have a full transcript of the roundtable with Kojima, Miyamoto, etc.

Oh, but it's in Japanese. So that gives knobheads who know absolutely nothing about the language the freedom to post all sorts of B.S. Of course, not everyone knows Japanese. It's a difficult language to master, and it gives me plenty of headaches. That, however, is not the problem here.

Do you honestly think that an extremely articulate and intelligent man like Hideo Kojima would say he wanted to make a DS spank game in front of university professors and esteemed colleagues? The asshole that started this rumor thinks you are that stupid. And the sad thing is that other sites, knowingly or unknowingly, have bought this garbage and exploited it.

Folks, you don't a PhD in the Japanese language to see through this. Use your brains. Just because something is in Japanese does not necessarily mean it is perverted, fucked up or strange. And no, we're not talking about cultural sensitivity here, but the truth.

Truth Is Here [Game Watch Impress]

Japanese site Game Watch Impress has a bunch of pics from the Digital Interactive Entertainment Conference up. After the jump, check out images of Shigeru Miyamoto, Hideo Kojima, Nolan Bushnell, Toru Iwatani, Robin Walker and the back of my head.

Photos Here [Watch Impress]

I pass a soba restaurant and contemplate stopping in for some noodles. It's getting cold, wet and rotten. A woman is standing out front, and I approach her to ask where the best place to catch a taxi is just as a taxi pulls up and she speeds away into the night. I look at my cell phone. It's dead, and I don't even bother looking for a payphone.

The streets glisten. I make my way back to campus, figuring my odds are better for tracking down a taxi. The light turns green and a row of taxis speed by. I look in the backseat window and see a foreigner. Robin Walker. Another taxi behind him passes by. In the backseat sits Shigeru Miyamoto. And yet another taxi passes by. The backseat is empty.

I extend my hand and dart after it, sliding into the warm back seat. The driver offers me tissues and a piece of green-tea candy. It is exceptionally sweet.

More Here [Ritsumeikan University]

"No, it's not a First Person Shooter," says Metal Gear mastermind Hideo Kojima. We've just seen the "This is no FPS, This is MGS" trailer that showed at this year's Tokyo Games Show. Kojima-san, rather "Kojima-kantoku" (Director Kojima) as the President of Enterbrain keeps calling him, is sitting on stage. Looks like he's weaseled out of a straight-up presentation in favor of a round-table discussion. Chairs are brought in as Miyamoto and Valve's Robin Walker take their places on stage. Nolan Bushnell sits in the audience, but is given a mic as a consolation prize.

Hamamura-san, the President of Enterbrain (Famitsu's parent company), asks Kojima if playing the Metal Gear Solid 4 will be anything like the trailer. The director replies saying "of course, of course" smiling. I can't help but smile too. Kojima comes off as such as fun-loving guy.

The discussion begins, and Hamamura-san throws a question to Robin Walker, who begins talking about Valve's current plans. Walker seems much more at ease. He's no longer stumbling over his own words like a Junior High School student asking a girl out. No, he's actually coming across rather well. Perhaps, it's because he's sitting down, I wonder. Robin Walker should always give speeches sitting down.

Valve, it turns out, is looking to expand beyond the FPS genre. "We're working on cooperative building games," he says. For example, you build something like a space ship or a machine with people online instead of shooting and killing each other. Any questions fired from the jovial Enterbrain president are translated by the rotund man in a suit that's whispering in Walker's ear.

Miyamoto keeps dropping his receiver, which is connected to an earpiece through which English is translated into Japanese. The perky student that greeted me at the door tells me that they didn't have money for a Japanese-to-English translator, meaning that I have to pay extra attention to what Miyamoto's saying right now. He's talking about the Revolution controller.

"People's idea that video games were American grade school kids with their face pressed up against the TV made us want to design the new controller," Miyamoto says.
Walker nods as the rotund man whispers, while Kojima sits there looking at the floor. Bushnell's holding that mic. "Boring things," Miyamoto says, "will become interesting. But, I can't say any more."

A question is fielded to Bushnell. I don't even remember what it was as the question was asked out of politeness. Bushnell stands up in the audience, towering over everyone. He proceeds to put his foot on the raised stage behind him. As he's doing that, all I can think is "why the hell is he putting his shoe up against the stage?" Somebody should tell him that stuff like that is rude as hell here in Japan. He sits back down, and his translator smiles at him.

"What kind of game would you like to design for the Revolution?" Hamamura-san asks Robin Walker.
"There's a couple I could think of, but I'm not really sure, because I haven't seen the console."

Miyamoto smiles.

"What about you?" Hamamura-san asks, turning to Kojima-kantoku.
"He'd like to design a game that makes him popular with girls," Miyamoto quips.
Cracking up, Kojima says, "I haven't decided."
"That was a joke," Miyamoto says. "What would you really like to design?"
Kojima says something about using analog. "I can't really say," he adds, still laughing.

When the developers returned to their seats, I saw Walker's translator shake the young designer's hand and congratulate him for not bombing again. Good job Robin.

More Details Here [Ritsumeikan University]

A nervous "Hi" is how Valve's Lead Designer Robin Walker began his presentation. How the heck is one supposed to go after Miyamoto, let alone before? Next up, Hideo Kojima.

Dressed in a black polo shirt that read "Valve," Mr. Walker explained how his company uses "play-testing" during FPS development. Basically, outside "testers" (gamers) are brought in and monitored as they play the developing software. Their reactions are taken into account by Valve, who then makes the appropriate changes.

"We can tell how good our game is and how it's getting better each week," he said in a quivering voice. Interesting stuff, I thought as the two reporters next to me closed their eyes and went to sleep, their notepads blank.

More Here [Ritsumeikan University]

Speaker says:
"I remember seeing a yakuza film with Ken Takakura. And there was this scene where it looked like Ken was going to get attacked. And somebody in the audience said, "Ken! Watch out!" And just at that point, Ken turned around and fought off whoever was going to attack him. Everyone in the movie theater started to clap for that guy in the audience. I could see the future possibilities for interactivity."

Speaker backs away from the podium. He turns to a staff member off stage and mutters an "excuse me." Staff member walks on stage, goes over to the podium and clicks on an icon for the hapless speaker, who thanks her and continues talking about the future of technology.

More Info Here [Ritsumeikan University]

1. The idea of the game came from "eating."
2. The original purpose was to attract female gamers.
3. Iwatani-san, Pac-Man's papa, referred to the ghosts as "monsters."
4. The algorithm for only the orange ghost is "random."
5. Even a monkey can play the game, and Iwatani-san brought a video clip to prove it.

The bit about the algorithms even surprised Atari founder Nolan Bushnell, who told Iwatani-san he hadn't heard that before.

Conference Info [Ritsumeikan University]

More Info Here [Ritsumeikan University]

Miyamoto's at it again. We've just seen the Revolution controller propaganda that Iwata-san screened at this year's Tokyo Game Show. And now, here's Shiggy at the podium, wrapping up his presentation and talking about all the possibilities the remote control offers.

"... you could use that extra peripheral with the controller for numchakus," he says, gesturing. I feel like I've heard this sale a million times now. Yes, numchakus, cool for FPS, cooking games, I got it.

"There's another secret," he says. I perk up. "But I'm not going to go into that here. That'll be for a later date."

He sweeps into an abrupt closing and before I know it the gaming legend is off the stage. A picture of Mario flashes on the screen. A polite "arigatou gozaimashita" is written below.

No Shiggy, thank you.

Read More Here [Ritsumeikan University]

"That slide's not right. It shouldn't read 100 megabytes," Nolan Bushnell says. "We didn't have 100 megabytes back then."

He should know. Hailed as "The Father of Video Games," Bushnell is responsible for taking Pong to the masses. And unlike today, he didn't have the luxury of endless memory and oodles of polygons that young game developers take as a given.

"The first element of design is timing."

Timing seems to be something he knows well. Bushnell helped spearhead the gaming boom of the 1970s and early '80s, making a mint and getting out right before business got bad. Bushnell instead got into the restaurant business, creating Chuck E. Cheese, cashing in on pizza and arcade games.

"The second element is clear objectives."

He comes off more as a businessman than a "pure" designer or developer. He even brings graphs and charts to show which market segments could be exploited today. In 1982, he tells us, there were 44 million gamers. Today, there are 18 million. Where'd they all go? "Complexity lost the casual gamer," he says. "Violence lost the woman gamer." He ventures into Nintendo territory, even slamming the PS2 controller.

"The 3D controller that Nintendo is on to is a very good idea," he says. "If you look at today's controller with triangles, Xs, squares and circles, it's scary. It's like a keyboard. People are interface phobic."

"The third element is predictability."

All I could read was "machinma." Bushnell skips the slide before I even have a chance to register the rest of it. "This isn't very interesting," he says. Instead, he finishes up his speech with a slide of his latest business venture: uWink. The Father of Gaming is getting in the dating industry. He's planned a series of pizzerias that have simple tabletop games, which supposedly open up communication between the sexes. The idea itself is intriguing, but I fear that it's a case of something looking better on paper than in practice. "I guarantee you if I can help guys meet girls, I will make a lot of money," he says. He wraps up his speech and exits the stage to thunderous applause, while I check my watch to see if he's gone over his allotted speech time. It seems he has.

DIEC 2005 [Ritsumeikan University]

Shigeru Miyamoto is sitting exactly five seats away from me. Hideo Kojima is sitting four. I'm sure, because I counted.

A producer from the Japanese TV network NHK is talking. "I'm not a specialist in computers or video games," he says for the umpteenth time.

It's fairly interesting, but the crowd is fading. This guy's just killing time until the big guns get on stage. Out of the corner of my eye and on the other side of Kojima, I see that Shiggy's got out two pens: one red and one black. He's scribbling something on his program. Is he the only one taking notes?

I lean across the reporter sitting next to me with a polite "I'm sorry." Miyamoto isn't writing, he's doodling what looks to be a penguin, but I can't tell for sure. He puts the cap back on the pen and turns over the program, giving his full attention to the speaker.

Likewise, I do the same. I can't help but wonder: What the heck was he drawing?

Conference Info [Ritsumeikan University]

In the coolest gaming tattoo I've ever seen, who is Mario squatting on top of?

Classical music greets me as I file into the lecture hall. An usher guides me to my reserved seat: second row, front and center. The public wasn't so lucky.

"Where are you sitting?" asks a flannel-wearing reporter type.
"In the balcony," replies a guy with bedhead. "What about you? Where are you sitting?" Ah, he's using polite Japanese.

"Right here," he answers.

"Really? Wow."

Flannel shows Bedhead his press pass.

"This is for press only."

"Oh."

I get out my notebook and put it on the foldout desk connected to my seat. It's a couple minutes before half past ten. Ritsumeikan Unversity students, fanboys and otaku trickle in. On the stage, a perky college student fiddles with a DS. She was the one that greeted me at the door. "Kotaku, right?" Right. She puts the DS on the podium.

A buzzer sounds, and the lights go down. Class has begun.

DIEC Info [Ritsumeikan University]

Read More Here [Ritsumeikan University]