What I like best about him is his no-nonsense approach to his work. He isn't a male poultry facilitator, or a rooster entitlement manager. He's the Cock Handler, and by gum he's proud of it.

I just wish that he could come with me on my adventure instead of being stuck in one place all the time, but he's happy there, and I'm happy out there killing hyenas. It's the natural order of things.

I'll never forget you, Cock Handler. You taught me so much.

"New Grand Theft Auto games are always a huge event in the gaming community and this one is sure to be no exception," said Wes Sand, senior vice president at Game Crazy. "Rockstar has outdone itself again by making GTA IV completely immersive and interactive. Our customers have been eagerly anticipating this game's arrival. This is a launch they won't forget."

Cash-in on Grand Theft Auto IV at Game Crazy

Exclusive, Limited-Edition XBOX 360 Faceplate and 'Extreme GTA IV Experience' Midnight Launch Events in 10 Markets Kick-Off Release of Rockstar's Highly-Anticipated Game

WILSONVILLE, Ore.—(BUSINESS WIRE)—Snag the goods, grab the cash and catch the getaway flight - all in one wild night! To celebrate the highly anticipated launch of Rockstar's Grand Theft Auto IV title, video game retailer Game Crazy is holding midnight launch events that will give fans first access to the game, as well as exclusive prizes and limited-edition merchandise, including a specially designed Grand Theft Auto IV-themed faceplate for their XBOX 360 consoles.

"New Grand Theft Auto games are always a huge event in the gaming community and this one is sure to be no exception," said Wes Sand, senior vice president at Game Crazy. "Rockstar has outdone itself again by making GTA IV completely immersive and interactive. Our customers have been eagerly anticipating this game's arrival. This is a launch they won't forget."

Ten stores in the Los Angeles; Chicago; San Francisco; Detroit; Seattle; Portland, Ore.; San Diego; Las Vegas; Austin; and Providence, R.I. markets will hold special "Extreme GTA IV Experience" events beginning at 8 p.m. local time on Monday, April 28th. All other Game Crazy stores nationwide will also host midnight launch events that evening.

Customers who attend one of Game Crazy's "Extreme GTA IV Experience" events will receive a special text-to-win number that enters them into a drawing to win two airplane tickets to anywhere in the U.S. and $1,000 in spending money. The winner will be notified at the store shortly after midnight on Tuesday, April 29th. All other Game Crazy stores will have a different text-to-win number for a similar drawing.

The 10 "Extreme GTA IV Experience" events will be held at the following Game Crazy locations:

* 100 East Compton Blvd., Compton, Calif. (Los Angeles, 310.668.9074)
* 1738 165th St., Hammond, Ind. (Chicago, 219.844.4163)
* 855 El Camino Real, San Bruno, Calif. (San Francisco, 650.871.8710)
* 14104 Woodward Ave., Highland Park, Mich. (Detroit, 313.883.0509)
* 719 Sleater Kinney Road SE, Lacey, Wash. (Seattle, 360.413.7774)
* 1422 North Lombard, Portland, Ore. (503.286.3759)
* 3105 El Cajon Blvd., San Diego, Calif. (619.521.4734)
* 540 N Nellis Blvd., Las Vegas, Nev. (702.437.9902)
* 903 North IH 35, Bellmead, Texas (Austin, 254.867.8168)
* 933 Pleasant St., Fall River, Mass. (Providence, 508.235.1093)

Grand Theft Auto IV is rated M for mature audiences. Fans looking for more information about Game Crazy's launch events in their area can go to Game Crazy's online store locator.

"It hit the victim in the leg, causing a large, red welt and several puncture marks," said Senior Sgt Bruce Jenkins, in the North Island town of Whakatane.

NZ man 'used hedgehog as weapon' [BBC - Ninja Girlden]

A group of boys has been involved in bullying others, and officials said their actions have included physical attacks, taunting and sexually harassing victims by making their crotches touch other boys' heads while fully clothed — something apparently inspired by the Halo video game series, in which players can perform a posturing move over a defeated enemy.

*rubs temples and sighs* Kids. I'm not sure how to put this. I almost wish the old GI Joe cartoon was still around, because the message would really hit home if delivered by Duke, Hawk, or Snake Eyes by way of some sort of electronic interpreter, followed by the rallying cry of, "Knowing is half the battle!", but here goes.

Don't put your crotches on other student's faces without their express and (if possible) written consent. It's fine in the context of a competitive video game, but real-life involuntary teabagging is wrong.

I used to be disappointed that I missed out on all of the cool video games and computer training the children today are growing up with, but a story like this kind of makes me glad. Sure, I was playing a square with a simplistic arrow fighting against a dragon that looked like a duck, but Adventure never led to someone's testicles rubbing against my forehead. At least not directly.

As for the bullies themselves? Just be careful. Those little guys you are picking on won't always be so little and weak. I grew a foot during the summer between 5th and 6th grade, and suddenly I wasn't such an easy target anymore - plus, the weaker kids are generally more intelligent, able to remember details much longer than the average bully, and are likely to hold a grudge. Hear that M. Bonds of Conshohocken Pennsylvania? Might wanna start giving those trash cans a wide berth.

School to approve bullying policy [Asbury Park Press]

Seriously, you need to be watching Bill Gates' farewell speech at CES. I'm sure news is coming, but that picture up there, that's all you need. If you want actual news out of the speech make sure to check out Mike's Liveblogging here.

Gates Speech [Microsoft]

This is exactly what eBay auctioneer kyleselectronicsplus07 is doing at this very moment. It is made quite clear in the description that the price is for the Wii ONLY and the rest of the goodies are free bonuses. The seller seems to have a good reputation and 10% of the sale goes to Charlotte ReStore - Habitat for Humanty. Certainly an admirable cause, but could this truly be for real? And what exactly is the story behind someone willing to give up their entire life over eBay, although at that price I suppose you could afford an all new one a couple times over.

The auction has nine days to go and in news that will surprise no one, it currently has no bids. I'm going to continue watching this just to see exactly what happens with it and I'll report back on it next weekend as it gets closer to the end of the bid. Check below for the full description.

This auction is for one (1) Brand New Never Opened Nintendo Wii Console Sports Edition with 5 Games. This also includes Wii Play Bundle that comes with an extra Remote and 9 Wii Play Games. With the purchase of the Wii console, we will also throw in for free our Charlotte, North Carolina 2-story, single-family home. This house was built and purchased new in 2006 for $240,000 and is within walking distance to major attractions such as Bank of America Stadium (Carolina Panthers) & Bobcats Arena (Charlotte Bobcats). You are also only minutes away from the Charlotte Douglas International Airport, I-485, I-85, I-77, and many uptown restaurants. Everything in the house is yours if wanted, including a Brand New 46" Sony Bravia Full 1080p LCD HDTV along with all the furniture and appliances. We will personally drive and deliver this Wii with all the accessories listed once payment has been received and cleared. Once we hand you the Wii, we will also hand you the car keys and house keys to both our home in Charlotte and a 2002 BMW 330i. We will even have you(1) and up to 5 other family members or friends (for a total of 6) flown in to see the house and city and will also pay to have you moved up to Charlotte from anywhere in the continental United States. This is to be the most DELUXE and EXCLUSIVE listing for any Wii that there will ever be on eBay. If you choose, you will have nothing to do but to hop on a plane with 5 of your closest friends or family members. We'll handle all the rest for you. We will personally deliver these items to the winning bidder on the day of his/her choice, including Christmas Day, December 25, 2007.

[via Megatonik]
[Thanks, Kevin]

Dude Flips Out [BBtv]

Unlike in the real world, climbing the sides of buildings in Crazy Climber was fraught with much danger. Tin cans, soda bottles, flowerpots, fruit baskets and buckets of water were all potential hazards, dropped haphazardly out of random windows by a crazed bald headed guy with an apparent penchant for littering. Other hazards included an egg laying, pooping condor, King Kong, falling girders and signs, electrical wires, and dumbells. Opening and closing windows also posed a threat, but as long as you had one arm on a non-dangerous window, you would be fine. Certain levels contained a balloon that, if you were lucky enough to catch it, would take you up ten stories and add a nice number of points to your bonus. Once your climber finally reached the top a helicopter would swoop in to pick you up and carry you away... to the next giant building to begin your adventure anew.

We've seen quite a few flyers on the past that have mixed their mediums, but this one really goes the distance. We have a photo realistic painting as central image framed by comic book looking graphics and then embellished with real photographs of the cabinet and screenshots. Talk about an overload. The central image is a bit misleading as it presents a Towering Inferno-like scene of helicopters rescuing people off the top a burning building while the fire trucks below try to extinguish the flames. The side images also promote this "fire" theme with the illustrated climbers ascending clouds of smoke. Flames are also seen in the game's logo and smoke clouds are represented on the cabinet art, but no sign of a fire threat is present in the actual game leaving one to wonder if it was originally supposed to be part of the game and eventually exorcised for whatever reason. Or maybe it was just back story, who knows.

As an added bonus to this week's feature, iIhave included a YouTube video of some of the gameplay so you can relive the magic for yourself. Enjoy!

[Flyer courtesy TAFA]

Boogie (WII)
Sing, dance and create your own videos with a great songlist.

Mega Man Star Force: Dragon (DS)
Mega Man goes the Pokemon route, releasing three slightly different versions of the same game. Dragon is exclusive to Gamestop/EB Games.

Mega Man Star Force: Leo
(DS)
Mega Man goes the Pokemon route, releasing three slightly different versions of the same game. This one is Liony.

Mega Man Star Force: Pegasus (DS)
Mega Man goes the Pokemon route, releasing three slightly different versions of the same game. This one is Pegasusy.

Tomb Raider: Anniversary (PSP)
Ms. Croft's redesigned first adventure comes to the PSP

Crazy Taxi: Fare Wars (PSP)
Crazy Taxi 1 & 2 speed on to the PSP with new co-op modes and other cool stuff

Apparently, we're not the only ones who think Jack Thompson is a bit of a loon. The Florida Bar is proposing the "lawyer" submit to psychological testing and accept a 91-day suspect of his law license as part of a Florida Supreme Court mandated mediation, Game Politics reports.

Thompson CCed Game Politics (he just loves that CC button) in an email/filing with the Florida Supreme Court"

Mediation failed today because there was no mediation whatsoever... [Florida Bar official] Ms. Tuma not only did not move off her [suspension] demand one iota, not one smidgeon, but she instead upped her demand by requiring that Thompson undergo a battery of psychological tests as part of the fabulous deal The Bar offered him...

Ms. Tuma [sic] last demand going into the mediation was a 91-day suspension, and she opened and ended with that and a shrink's couch. This is bad faith...

This "mediation" was a charade... Finally, [Thompson] requests a status conference herein as soon as possible so that we can... shut this Star Chamber down. Thompson is not the one who needs a psych evaluation.

What I don't understand is why the Florida Bar is asking just for a temporary suspension. I know it's Florida and all, but if there were ever an attorney who needed disbarred permanently it's Jack Thompson. Besides the fact that he manages to harass and threaten countless journalists, politicians and fellow attorneys, he is a master at clogging the Florida legal system with frivolous and libelous lawsuits.

Jack Thompson Says FL Bar Official Demanded He Take Psych Test, Accept Suspension [Game Politics]

Sega did not respond to requests for comment on the delay, nor did they confirm speculation that the game has been delayed in order to add an extra layer of glistening sweat to Vanessa's breasts. Michael McWhertor

Oh goodness, so torn on this one. On one hand, arresting the guy and holding him on $10,000 bail seems a bit harsh. On the other hand, I get the distinct feeling that the whole FPS project angle is a defense and not an actuality. One thing I know for sure, however, is that the mainstream media is so adorable when they try to report on video games. Note that you might get an ad as the video begins, and if you try to watch it again without refreshing you'll learn far more about Spokane than you need to know.

edit - Moved video to after the jump at the insistence of common sense.

So the father is claiming this is politics and that his son's first amendment rights are being impugned, and also looks like discount Fonzie with a giant cold sore on his lip. We should arrest every game developer? Sure, if every game developer sat around discussing how to kill high school students perhaps. Maybe Jaffe, but he's harmless.

Okay, mostly harmless.

I can't help but think that maybe this time around the caution might have been justified. There is a difference between designing a Counter-Strike map with your school's layout and sitting there like a dumbass discussing the best way to massacre your classmates weeks after the biggest school shooting in history. At the very least the kid should get a couple days in stupid prison.

Snooping about on the web I found Lance's page on bebo, where he goes by the name UbnKilled - you bein killed. *sigh*. Some memorable quotes:

ummm... I love to play first person veiw shooters.. games such as Fear, Half-Life 2, Doom3... and I like to play basketball and write...

I collect mid-evil weapons and have.. *counts* 10 weapons in my room.. and that's not including the guns..... so actually... to however wants to try to kidnap me..... do it.. i dare ya

If i really wanted to I could steal some of his programs and hack virtually most accounts, but I wont so no worries...

So yeah, the guy's a tool and between the comments and the suggestion that he's stockpiling weapons and guns I would have totally had him removed from the school as soon as humanly possible were I on the school board. Though you and I can see the moronic bragging and posturing for what it is, school officials like Northport Superintendent Patsy Guglielmino probably can't.

"I have to look at every threat as though it is real irregardless what I know about the student," she said.

Court to decide if Northport threat was horrible prank or free speech [kxly.com via GamePolitics]

Photo courtesy of KXLY.com

In his ruling Judge Paul Huck wrote:

Plaintiff may not, time and again, add more and more distinct and unrelated claims into a single lawsuit. This action will not serve as a repository for any and all real or perceived claims that Plaintiff has against various entities...

Although Plaintiff, in his motion, characterizes the actions of the Defendants as a "collaborated assault" against him, it is apparent that... Plaintiff's accusations against Gawker Media... are wholly separate from his claims against the remaining defendants.

Of course Thompson could file another suit against us, or me, or my mother for spawning me, or my dog for letting me take it for walks or the chair I sit on for supporting me. Well, you get the point.

Motion Denied... Judge Won't Allow Jack Thompson to Reinstate Kotaku Suit [Game Politics]

I cannot seem to find any confirmation from Microsoft about this, and it looks like only Game Crazy has this information...none of the EBGameStop stores I called knew what I was talking about, and several of them searched and found nothing in their computers. Your best bet? Take this as a story about Game Crazy's POS system and not official confirmation of the where, when, and how much. Thanks to CloudyWolf and several anonymous people! Michael Fahey

Black 360 is in Game Crazy POS [Cheap Ass Gamer Forums]

A while back, Japan's DS craze red lined, and it got so bad that American DSes were re-imported from America to satisfy the demand. Things quieted off, or so we thought. But even recently, consumers still line-up for DS Lites, and stores, it seems, are too! Writes Kotakuite Scott from Nagasaki:

I was just shopping at my local Yuuing (it's like Tsutaya, books, DVDs, CDs, and games) where they haven't had DS Lites for months now. When they do expect a shipment, maybe once a month or so, they place up posters to let customers know when the sales go down. But, when I went in tonight, they had about 8 units on the shelves. A closer look revealed they are not Japanese versions, but the US and Asia versions (okay, it wasn't a closer look, the big American flags were a give away).

I snapped two photos with my miserable cell phone camera of the poster in the store. You might not be able to read the small text but the general gist is there: American and Asian DS Lites, 19,800 yen (3000 more than the Japanese version), and they cannot be sold back used like most other gaming hardware and software at this store.

Tip for Nintendo, Co. Ltd., how about saving more Lites for the domestic market? Just a thought... Brian Ashcraft

I'm just going to hit you with the quote here right off the bat.

I-play CEO David Gosen has predicted that the console gaming industry will be left with a "niche audience" to target as mobile gaming becomes ever more popular.

This really blows my mind. I've only ever downloaded on cell phone game in my life, and that one pretty much sucked completely. It all sounds like wishful thinking from a guy who makes a living selling casual mobile games, perhaps enhanced by the local Amsterdam foliage. Your thoughts? Michael Fahey

Mobile gaming will overtake consoles, says Gosen [GamesIndustry.biz]

Eds note: Our man in Tokyo Jean Snow brings word of just how insane getting a DS Lite is

It's absolutely ridiculous to think that a person living in Japan still has to go through the following if he wants to get his hands on a stinkin' Nintendo DS lite — that's over 2 years after the initial DS launch, and close to a year for the DS lite — but this is what I had to go through today in order to score a Crystal White Nintendo DS lite (and let it be known that I have an original DS, which I got at launch).

My wife had heard that you needed to call the stores to find out if they were getting some stock, and then rush there to wait in line, and she'd also been told by some friends that Bic Camera got their shipments in on Friday (they also sometimes get some on Mondays and Wednesdays, but Friday are for the big orders). So she called this morning, and sure enough, they had gotten a shipment, but wouldn't reveal when they would go on sale, or where they would make people line up. The wife had gone through the same thing 2 weeks ago — when she scored a pink DS lite — so she told me to head there around noon, and to try and find out what would be happening.

I got there at 12, asked some staff behind the counter in the games section (insisting I had called, because they were just about to say that they didn't know anything before that — the filthy liars), and was told that I had to "hang out" for a while, as they didn't know when they were going to go on sale. Maybe 40 minutes later, two staff with bright green Bic vests ran out from behind the counter with signs that said that DS lites were about to go on sale, and then started forming a line along the staircases (the game section at the main Bic Camera store in Ikebukuro is on the 3rd floor). I was the fifth in line — some guys got there quicker than me — and a few minutes later they started handing out tickets for the color you wanted (I was the first to ask for a Crystal White). Then, 10 minutes later, they started guiding us to the sales counter, and... DS lite GET! Jean Snow

First Metal Gear Portable Ops and now this. Must-have PSP games are starting to trickle out! Sega announced Crazy Taxi: Fare Wars. The game uses maps from the arcade version and the Dreamcast one along with Crazy Taxi 2's Small Apple maps. The PSP version will have an Arcade mode (earn bonuses by fast delivery) and Time Trial mode (collect highest fares in alloted time). What's more, there are two mini-games and ad-hoc multiplayer. Schweet! Brian Ashcraft

Crazy Taxi for PSP [VGB]

The doesn't-get-out-very-much Halo die-hard version of the Shroud of Turin. Folks over at the Xbox Domain game site are saying some claim it's possible to see Master Chief's face in the new trailer. Look closely at the reflection in his helmet, and there it is. Me, I've seen better faces in those ink blot Rorschach Tests and say that it's either a candlestick or a dead trout. Or a dead trout on a candlestick. You? Brian Ashcraft

Master Chief Is Probably A Little Better Looking [Xbox Domain]

Making video games isn't just expensive, but CRAZY expensive. Just ask Alain Tascan, EA Montreal's General Manager. Electronic Arts is well known for its big budget game titles, so Tascan should know what he's talking about:

I'm not sure that the model we have here will be the model in 15 years, and that the EA you know today will be the EA you know then... I'm sure we'll do things differently, just because of the cost. The cost of games now is crazy.

So what, EA will release a Madden every other year? Brian Ashcraft

Game Cost High [Games Industry]

This guy really gives "burning up the fretboard" a whole new meaning. Norwegian game reviewer, Stefan Ogden of news website, Dagbladet, put together this video to accompany his review of Guitar Hero II. In an attempt to emulate his favorite Guitar Hero characters, he actually bursts into flames while playing Monkey Wrench. This is obviously edited together to create a more dramatic effect, but damn... dude is ON FIRE!

Her er verdens mest harry spill-video [Dagbladet Thanks, Mr.P]

Make up your mind! First Konami's official Castlevania dude Koji "Iga" Igarashi said "meh" to the Wii-mote. Then, he warmed up to controller, and now he's back to blowing raspberries at it. In a recent interview with Nintendo Power, Iga says:

For me, the Nintendo Wii controller doesn't yet connect with the core gameplay of Castlevania. I definitely don't want to make a game with gimmicky controls where you swing the controller like a whip...

That's it, Iga. We (being "me") do want you to make that game—gimmicky controls and all. Don't give the public what it wants. GOOD IDEA. Brian Ashcraft

Iga A Hater (Again) [QJ.Net]

This seems to be my week for posting about overpriced gaming merchandise, so in keeping with the tradition, I have a doozy for you.

Back in the good old days of Atari 2600 there was a game called Atlantis. The makers of the game, Imagic, decided to hold a contest to see who could score the highest and thus win the highly coveted sequel, Atlantis II. The trick is there were only 10 copies of Atlantis II ever made. Many people entered the contest and eventually ten winners were chosen and they all received their copies of the game.

Fast forward to today...one of these lucky winners, kingmeanguns, who doubtless spent many uncountable hours playing to win this rare treat decides to get rid of his prize possession on eBay. So he thinks to himself, "I want to get rid of this. I wonder what would be a reasonable price to ask that would make people interested in bidding on it...hmmm. I know! How about $1,750,000.00! I think I'll also write a long rambling description so everyone knows it's for real! Oh, and while I'm at it, I'll make them come pick it up! If they've got the money to pay for it, they can certainly pay to come get it."

Ok, dingus! I understand the issue of only ten copies being made, it's a rare game blah, blah, blah. 1.7 million? You've got to be kidding... but sadly, this is not a joke. I wish it was. You can see it for yourself on eBay.

Oh and by the way, kingmeanguns, if you're going to photograph your expensive cartridge for people to bid on, you might want to consider not putting it on the floor. Flynn De Marco

Atlantis II for 1.7 Million [eBay Thanks, Jake and Greg!]

Greeting me from the tips inbox today was an email so full of white-hot rage, profound spiritual hurt, and f-bombs that I thought I was getting Florian's fanmails by accident again.

But soft! I was wrong. It was just the Ineffable Jut, weighing in on the bumblefuckery that is the Lumines Live microtransaction stack:

They fuck you just a little at a time, so you don't feel your asshole tearing.

I just downloaded Lumines live. It's a good game, but it's right full of fucking microtransactions. Puzzle-mode; 5 levels until you buy the puzzle pack. Mission-mode; 5 levels until you buy the mission pack. This pisses me right off! Minus the online, the PSP version has more to it than the XBLA version.
I don't want to get this excited about a fully awesome XBLA game only to find out it's only partially awesome unless I plop down another $25 to get the full package.

If more games are going this microtransaction route, I'm going to flip my proverbial lid!

Stickypig was likewise incensed, and spent several hours this morning shoving slices of sandwich meats under my door while muttering ancient invocations to demons. Each slice had the name of an Xbox Live employee written on it. I think he's under the impression that I am some flesh-hungry devil godling who can grant wishes.

But really, anyone could've made that mistake. Eliza Gauger

Proof positive that any idea, taken too far, can be utter crap. Just what were the good folks at Hoyle thinking when they licensed out the rights to use their respectable name for a cheap ass plug and play system, which lists Mahjong as its triple-A title?

The thing, which is shaped sorta like a big stack of Mahjong tiles, only comes with 11 games and none of them are good. Among the list of Family TV Gaming System titles are Old Maid, Go Fish and High Card.

The worst part is that this is the sort of bargain bin fodder that unknowing grandmas always buy by the cartful as presents for their spawn.

Somewhere a 7-year-old is sitting in a crumpled heap of gift wrap with a still sealed Family TV Gaming System in his lap, bawling his eyes out. Brian Crecente

Sega's classic Crazy Taxi provided gamers with tastefully realistic in-game advertising and locales. The rest of it was complete b.s. Kotakuite Kevin spotted the actual Crazy Taxi. He explains:

Happened to see this about a month ago coming towards the west side of the M25 near London. Basically it's actually a Crazy Taxi, with the Crazy Taxi 3 logos on the side doors and the boot.

And it looks like that taxi driver has even picked up four passengers. Bonus points! Brian Ashcraft

Ho boy. Someone really needs to put together a library of internal-only instructional training videos for retail employees. These things are comedy gold. But this one? Little uncomfortable. While I appreciate the attempts at ironic humor, I hate ironic humor, making me hate this video.

On the other hand, if only game specialist retail employees could be this courteous and well-informed. Sales charts would see at least some degree of justice, while millions of our nation's children would never have to schlep through licensed game sewage like The Ant Bully or the dozens of Dragon Ball Z games released each year.

[Clip Via Destructoid] Michael McWhertor

Last month, chowderhead Uwe Boll challenged his critics to a boxing match, which he would film and include in his adaptation of Running with Scissors' Postal. Uwe failed to clue-in Running with Scissors, it seems. The company's CEO Vince Desi said, "I didn't know he was going to do this." Then again, who did?

Game site 1Up contacted Desi, who replied:

Mayhem at RWS [Running With Scissors] is a company lifestyle but not communicating is something I don't exactly appreciate. I was being serious when I said it, I really how [sic] no idea what he was up to.

You won't be the first Vince, and definitely not the last. Uwe's kooky, you know. Brian Ashcraft

More Here [1Up]

More Moore Here [UK:R]

Poor Sony fanboys. Times have been tough recently, with everyone picking on the company and knocking its upcoming console. Take heart, there are others out there going through the same pain. Some cope by sending us illegible emails, lambasting Florian for being lippy. Others drink large amounts of Mr. Pibb and call GameSpot, just as this caller did. Feel free to continue using GameSpot as your fanboy forum to vent. Brian Ashcraft

Listen Here [YTMND] Thanks, Alan!

Last week, Uwe Boll proved that he wasn't only a stinky filmmaker, but batshit insane by offering to physically beat-up his critics, film the bouts and put them in one of his cruddy "movies."

Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka from internet site Something Awful has thrown his hat in the ring and will be going head-to-head with looney director. Rich writes:

I sent Mr. Boll and email, asking him if his offer still stood. Would he still fly me up to participate in one of his unintentionally horrific non-horror films, this time with the lure of physically kicking the snot out of me on film? Well folks, I'm proud to say the answer was 'yes.' Mr. Dr. Sr. Boll replied and 'added me to the list,' the list of folks he plans on beating up because we talked bad about him on the Internet. In exchange for this incredible privilege, I promised Dr. Mrs. Boll PhD that I would actually sit down and review his films 'Alone in the Dark' and 'House of the Dead' so people would know I'm completely serious about hating this man and letting him punch me in the face until he decides to stop.

I've never met Lowtax, but do wish him luck. Is Kotaku going to throw its hat in the ring? No. We'd rather sit around the office, sip chocolate raspberry coffee and make snide remarks about "Alone in the Dark". Because no matter how many journalists that "director" beats up, the facts do not change: Uwe Boll is a chowderhead, and his movies are rotten. Brian Ashcraft

Full Article Here [Something Awful] via Destructoid

You've seen what a 5 year-old can do on DDR, he's was a 14 year-old can do on In the Groove. It's like he's Riverdancing or something. And the kid isn't even happy with his score! Brian Ashcraft

Thanks, Dobbsy_jr!

He's has had enough snark. German filmmaker Uwe Boll announced he is willing to take on the haters. In a boxing ring. With gloves. (Read: he's nuts.)

"I am fed up," said the chowderheaded director. "I'm fed up with people slamming my films on the Internet without see[ing] them. Many journalists make value judgments on my films based on the opinions of one or two thousand Internet voices. Half of those opinions come from people who've never watched my films."

During the filming of game studio Running with Scissors' Postal title, Chowderhead will personally go mano-a-mano with his biggest detractors in boxing matches that will be used in the film. Because as everyone knows, when you can't verbally outwit someone, it's just better to beat them up. The logic astonishes.

We only wish we had the imagination to make this up. Excerpts from the batshit insane press release after the jump.

Towards the end of the filming of Postal, the five most outspoken critics will be flown into Vancouver and supplied with hotel rooms. As a guest of Uwe Boll they will be given the chance to be an extra/stand-in in Postal and have the opportunity to put on boxing gloves and enter a BOXING RING to fight Uwe Boll. Each critic will have the opportunity to bring down Uwe in a 10-bout match. There will be five matches planned over the last two days of the movie. Certain scenes from these boxing matches will become part of the Postal movie. All five fights will be televised on the Internet and will be covered by international press.

Who's eligible?

To be eligible you must be a critic who has posted on the Internet or have written in magazines/newspapers at least two extremely negative articles in the year 2005. Critics of 2006 will not be considered.

Folks between 140 and 190 pounds, send an email to info@boll-kg.de and help Uwe prove that he isn't a bad filmmaker through physical violence. Brian Ashcraft

More Here [GameSpot] Thanks, Dennise!

Earlier this month, Microsoft's Peter Moore and his 24-inch guns infamously said that "Nobody is concerned anymore about backwards compatibility." We were left wondering if Moore had been spending more time in the gym and less with gamers. That, or if we was really, really drunk. Or taken over by Sony pod people.

On Major Nelson's podcast, Moore ate crow and even apologized for his boneheaded remark. His 24-inch guns also said that people took "concerned" to mean "cared." Uh, taking it to mean "worried" is better? How about "involved"?

He then said his words caused "trauma" for some (now, that is power), and that he was sorry "for all the trauma I caused the gaming community." Backtracking, Moore then stated, "It's quite simply not that we don't care about backward compat. Boy, do we care about backward compat... We're going to get darn close to that stated goal of every title done."

A new update will hit in about a week and will feature support for twenty titles. Until then, Peter Moore will continue to apologize. And pump iron. Brian Ashcraft

More Here [GameDaily BIZ]

A Louisiana news website has an unsettling report about the West Feliciana Parish Sheriff seizing video games from a 16-year-old murder suspect's home, based on a suggestion by anti-games zealot Jack Thompson:

Thompson said published reports that Neher told detectives he and Everette killed Gore because Gore would not let them borrow his car follows "the same scenario in (the video) 'Grand Theft Auto.' "

Sheriff J. Austin Daniel said an autopsy showed Gore was beaten to death but also shot in the face.

"Nobody shoots anybody in the face unless you're a hit man or a video gamer," Thompson said, adding that the apparent repeated "pummeling" of the victim is consistent with scenes in violent video games.

Man, I hate that one mission in GTA, you know the one where you're trying to borrow that guy's car and he won't let you, so you just totally stomp his ass and blow his face off and score mad points. I always have to tank cheat my way through that one.

As a hilarious aside, the shooter was home alone because his mother, the exquisitely-named Happy Morris, was booked last week on "simple battery of a juvenile and unauthorized entry into an inhabited dwelling". The specifics? She broke into a house and slapped a fourteen-year-old girl.

There's undoubtedly a video game at the root of that particularly heinous crime, too. Nobody slaps fourteen-year-old girls in the face unless you're a Hot Dog on a Stick employee or a dating sim enthusiast. Eliza gauger

Read complete article here. [2theadvocate.com]

Goichi Suda, aka Suda51, sat down with Gamasutra's Brandon Sheffield and a buncha journos to talk about his company's latest release: Contact. Best known for designing Killer 7, Suda took a producer role for the RPG Contact. Tomm Hulette described the game as "a rare breed of quirky RPG that attracts a rabid fanbase with its whacked-out story, setting, and characters." The game also includes animal-training, item-collecting, monster-hunting and mini-games.

When told that the game seems really normal and not wack-o like typical Suda titles, the designer-turned-producer replied:

I think if I'd made it it would've been called Killer Contact or something. And anyway, it's the normal people like me who make crazy games. People who make normal games like Contact are the real crazies. So Akira Ueda [Contact's lead designer] is totally nuts.

And that's coming from a guy that wore a Lucha libre mask while promoting Killer 7! Brian Ashcraft

More Here [Gamasutra]

We believe that the PS3 will be the place where our users play games, watch films, browse the Web, and use other [home] computer functions. The PlayStation 3 is a computer. We do not need the PC.

Harrison concluded the interview by wetting himself. He then lifted a top of the line PC (casemodded to look like a nude and oily Samus) and a box of PSP keyboards onto the table, doused them in gasoline, and lit fire to it and the German reporter. As the flames consumed them all, he laughed and gibbered maniacally, traces of blood-flecked foam slicking his cracked lips. Eliza Gauger

Your PC is history [Computer and Video Games]