"Super Mario Bros.: Cleaning pipes and taking names," goes the first entry. We can see where this is headed. "Two bare-chested dudes on a mission neither can accomplish without the other," is the description for Contra. Duke Nukem is a "muscled Chelsea queen." Mortal Kombat is "Likely the first and most tranny-relevant video game." And the "hands-down gayest video game of all time," oughta set a few people off.

The Gayest Video Games [Out.com via Go Nintendo]

Maybe it's just me hankering for simpler times, but this game looks like much more fun than the Xbox 360 and PlayStation 3 versions of Amry of Two: The 40th Day do. I like a nice, simple two-player experience that my less game-savvy friends can get in on. Maybe I'm just getting old.

Pretty shrewd how the level's creator (M0rtanius) staggered the platforms so you could shoot up foes above and below you, just like in the 2D version. But I'm guessing this isn't one-hit-kill difficulty.

Thanks Awwal for sending the tip. Sorry we spotted it so late.

Half Contra (Contra NES Remade in Half-Life 2) [Machinima on YouTube]

If Konami made Duck Hunt [Infendo]

The graphics "suck," the music is "boring" and - I'm not sure if this is a positive or a negative - "it's not as easy as Halo 3 or Call of Duty: World at War," rating it "9 out of 10" on the difficulty-o-meter.

He also doesn't like the fact everything's a one-shot kill. What would he rather play than Contra? Why, Call of Duty and Halo, of course. I'm getting the idea that's all he does play. Well that, and hockey.

Project D: Episode 1 [Nerdballoon]

What Is It?
G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra is EA's game adaptation of the film adaptation of the cartoon adaptation of the 80's update to a military doll for boys. It's a scrolling 3D shoot-em up featuring drop-in anytime co-operative multiplayer starring a nicely rounded cast of characters from the film, comics, and toy line.

What We Saw
I played through several levels co-operatively with an EA operative. I played as Duke, while my guide played as red-headed crossbow maven Scarlet.

How Far Along Is It?
The movie is due out on August 7th, and the game needs to be out by then as well, so it's pretty far along.

What Needs Improvement?
Auto-Targeting: You hold down the fire button, and you automatically lock onto the nearest target and fire a constant stream of bullets at them. Once your target is dead, you automatically switch to the next closest enemy or destructible object. You can swap targets, of course, but for the most part you simply dodge the enemy while your magic, never-ending ammo supply takes them out. Some might say it hearkens back to arcade games of old. Others would say it's a boring mechanic that lacks any sort of challenge. I fall into the latter category.

Goofy Animation: The auto-targeting system makes trouble for your character's animation, as they twist about to face whatever you are targeting, even if you've moved past a destructible object you've given up on. It just doesn't feel natural, and it looks completely ridiculous.

Melee Misses: The game features melee attacks, but it really isn't the type of title where they work well. Perhaps it was just the character I was playing, but the clumsy punches I threw mostly failed to land, and when they did they didn't feel as if they were doing much. Holding down the melee button charges an attack that can send enemies flying, but trying that in the middle of a firefight got me killed more than a couple times.

What Should Stay The Same?
Fan Service: It's obvious that the developers have a strong understanding of the history of the franchise, and they're cramming the game chock full of G.I. Joe goodness. It might not be enough to excuse the game play as it stands, but it could at least make the game worthwhile to collectors and enthusiasts.

Final Thoughts
G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra is essentially a clumsy 3D Contra game with G.I. Joe characters, right down to the destructible objects that drop medals when you shot them. I'd daresay that if you brought someone to the game without telling them what it was, covering up the story references, they'd assume that's exactly what this was. I'm not sure what I would want out of a G.I. Joe video game, but I'm pretty sure this isn't quite it.

According to the official page, the will feature two player co-op like the original Contra — so we're assuming this means local co-operative play. No word on a Western release.

魂斗羅ReBirth [Konami via Go Nintendo]

This group effort covers all eight levels of the arcade and NES classic from Konami and was developed by a group of NeoGAF message board-lurking LittleBigPlanet fans over the course of the past month. The eight levels available for PlayStation 3 owners as of, well, right now, should the trailer for LittleBigContra get you excited enough to download.

The official post on the project features screenshots, credits, intimate details and the high drama of any NeoGAF thread.

LittleBig Contra is OUT NOW!! Let's Attack Aggressive, GAF [NeoGAF]

And a damn good one too. So good, I'm amazed and embarrassed that it took me this long to see it. This brilliantly D-quality take on Konami's classic everyway-scrolling shooter was an original production created by Black20 and IGN, not by Mr. Boll himself. And I totally slept on it. Sincere apologies.

Now get Contra'd!

Thanks, Fran and Scott!

Uwe Boll's Contra [Black 20]

After finally dusting off the end-of-level structure in the first stage, one that looks like a carbon copy of the first "boss" in the NES Contra, but with a dual-screen twist, I was taken to the Laboratory. The second stage requires heaping amounts of grappling hook usage, so you had better become familiar with your Y-button if you plan on making it through.

The Laboratory was made extremely difficult by the dozens of creeping aliens that you'll seeing crawling down from the top screen—they're quite speedy and you'll never be 100% sure where they'll reappear on the bottom screen—plus the shuffling zombies that stumble about on the lower screen. The walking dead take a few shots to destroy and, if they come close enough, they'll explode from the annoyance of being undead, launching an 8-way attack of diseased goo. Open holes in the roof and floor add an extra layer of platforming difficulty.

After finally leaving the lab, more classic Contra levels return. The waterfall area from the original, complete with mounted cannons, a constant stream of falling boulders and carefully positioned robo-infantry make upward progress a chore. Still, we're having fun, right? Right. Just not when face with an invincible soldier holed up inside a waterfall, one whose collision detection was frustratingly buggy.

It didn't take long for the waterfall level to take my last Lance Bean and my final credit. It left me wanting more Contra 4, more play time, more punishment. It's the hardcore answer to the question "Where are the DS games for non-casuals?"

The E For All build of Contra 4 also contained the Contra museum, an historical look back on all the Contra (and Probotector and Gryzor) games. Each game in the long running series is represented with screenshots, artwork, box art and synopses, making for a fantastic bonus gallery.

It may be a bear of a game, and you may shatter your DS in frustration, but just because something is hard, doesn't mean it's not worth doing.

I spent about 15 minutes with the musical journey this morning before I became too distracted with the experimental arrangement, but fans of game music who loathe paying for things should give the MP3 a whirl. Thanks to Geoff for turning us on to Bob's work.

w00t (and Other Recordings) [BobOstertag.com]

A reader named Michael sent us this admittedly crappy cell phone picture confirming that the Konami code works on the Xbox Live Arcade version of Contra, despite the original arcade version of the game lacking the cheat. The picture shows Mike with 28 lives remaining, having given his life twice for the sake of getting this evidence safetly into our hands.

I plan on following in my namesake's footsteps later this evening, bravely entering in up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, b, a, and start, because if I cannot have 30 extra lives then the evil alien terrorists from the future have already won. Michael Fahey

Thanks Michael!

Yep, more Xbox Live news! Konami's classic run and gun shooter Contra should be available for download this Wednesday at 1:00am Pacific. The game features both the original game and an enhanced mode with improved sights and sounds and Xbox Live co-op play. The full game is yours for 400 Microsoft points.

Contra was the first game I ever played through to completion, a fact that I attribute to the engaging game play, the entertaining two-player action, and the fact that I could get 30 extra lives anytime I wanted. Contra is the proud father of a generation of rotten, cheating bastards.

No word on whether the famous Konami Code will be included, considering that this is the arcade version, but here's hoping. Michael Fahey

Contra coming Wednesday on XBLA [Evil Avatar]

You know, I've done just about every single one of these, minus the Strider hack (news to me!), despite the fact that I had the cart and Altered Beast back in the day. Classic stuff, but I know they're missing something. What is it? Help me remember my classic cheats, Kotaku retro elite readership! Michael McWhertor

Not yet officially announced by Konami themselves, IGN dropped the retro bomb yesterday that Konami Classics Series Arcade Hits will ship sometime next year for the dual-screen and include such titles as: Circus Charlie, Contra, Gradius, Roc'N Rope, Rush'N Attack, Time Pilot, Track & Field, and Yie-Ar Kung Fu. Plus more to be announced!

Yay! Now, Sega, how about you follow suit and do something with your old arcade games, okay? You're just embarrassing yourselves at this point. Michael McWhertor

Konami Classic Series: Arcade Hits Hands-on

Another Mugen/Nintendo mash-up, this time involving a 60 foot tall Predator cruising through Super Mario Bros. and Contra. You know, it's pretty sad when even a colossal and grotesque alien can't manage to get past the first level of Contra without dying. Florian Eckhardt

At TGS06 yesterday, Microsoft announced a bunch of new games coming to XBLA over the next few months, including.

• Contra
• Gyruss
• Dig Dug
• Track & Field
• New Rally-X
• Rush'n Attack
• Ms. Pac-Man
• Yie Ar Kung Fu

That last title will be Japan only, since it's a port of a rather obscure and ancient fighting game.

You know, it's rather nice to see a new Xbox Live title every Wednesday and all, but I'd personally rather see a lot less ports of games I can play on M.A.M.E. and a lot more showcasing of small developer, mold-breaking content. Florian Eckhardt

Konami is bringing a fistful of classic titles to Xbox Live. Take the PlayStation 2 classic Castlevania: Symphony of the Night, which will be making its appearance on Xbox Live next year. The game is regarded as the Castlevania game. According to Konami, this doesn't mean the title is an XBL exclusive. Other upcoming Live titles include Frogger, Contra, Super Contra and Track & Field. Think the Contra code will still fly? Damn better. Brian Ashcraft

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