Game or film would be bad enough. Both together would be like multiplying zeroes. The Movie Blog drops word of Boll's latest ambition, which is confusingly titled Bloodrayne 3: Warhammer. Yeah, I have no idea what that means, either, except maybe a C&D in the mail from Mythic Entertainment? Kirstanna Loken is said to be back in the lead role.

I couldn't track down what The Movie Blog was sourcing but this post says this movie will begin filming in January. Which means it'll be finished in February. Or at least look like it.

Uwe Boll to Bring Us Bloodrayne 3: Warhammer [The Movie Blog via Joystiq]

If you want to see it for yourself, sit tight – it runs with the premier of 2012 on November 13. Also I'm sure it'll hit the interwebs well before then. If you want to know how I felt about what I saw, read on. But know that I still haven't forgiven Ben Kingsley for BloodRayne.

Now I realize that once you've played Gandhi on the silver screen (and won an Oscar for it), everything else must pale in comparison. But seriously, Sir Kingsley, would it have killed you to show up for fencing lessons in preparation for filming BloodRayne? Just because the director sucks doesn't mean you have to.

As it turns out, Sir Kingsley only has two lines in the trailer (which is still twice as much as what comic relief character Alfred Molina gets) – so I can't judge his performance based entirely on that. The majority of the trailer is Jake Gyllenhaal leaping off of things while Gemma Arterton narrates in a quasi-mystical voice about the Dagger of Time and its powers.

Like all action trailers, there's a lot of quick cutting between unrelated sequences. Someone opens a door, the Prince looks around like he's confused and the Princess – called Tamina, not Farah – walks around looking pretty and exchanges PG-rated flirts with the Prince. Some dudes in black robes show up, looking like they just walked off the set of The Scorpion King and there's a lot of sand and gold stuff.

An interesting scene I noticed being repeated was a glowing fiery vortex within the Dagger of Time. You can see it in the trailer when the Prince activates it during a fight to rewind time. You see it again at the end of the trailer only somehow the Prince and some other person appear to be inside the Dagger, swirling around the vortex. Seems like a climactic boss fight to me. Also a temple-looking place collapses – it's all very Indiana Jones.

Speaking of which, someone pointed out to me the irony in having Alfred Molina play a comic relief character in an Indiana Jones-esque film. I'd completely forgotten that he's the guy in Raiders of the Lost Ark with the famous line "Throw me idol, I'll throw you the whip." How about that.

After the screening of the trailer, we were given a little bit of Q&A time with Jordan Mechner – but you'll have to sit tight for that as well.

Be honest – how many of you are going to go see the film 2012 just so you can watch the Prince of Persia trailer on the big screen? I totally did that with Scooby-Doo for a Harry Potter trailer and again with some other terrible film for a Two Towers trailer.

Image Cred
Image Cred

While the folks at Nintendo may not approve of Princess Peach, pictured, and Metroid's Samus Aran getting on-stage nude codes, clearly the throngs of nerds in attendance did. The LA Weekly was in attendance for this twice-in-a-lifetime baring all, photographically capturing the event at which lady Link got down to little more than a Hyrulian shield.

Other characters dressed up as, then down as, include Street Fighter's Chun-Li and Bloodrayne's Rayne. Hey, not everyone can be Peach.

Obviously, this is not at all safe for work, as it heavily features pasties. If this sort of thing sounds like something you'd like to see in person, a repeat performance will be held on June 3rd at the Bordello bar in LA. Just in time for E3!

Video Game Girls Burlesque @ Bordello [LA Weekly]

Visiting Uwe: The Uwe Boll Homestory goes behind the embarrassing megalomaniacal Boll quotes for a look at how the director of The House of the Dead, Blood Rayne and Postal lives, loves and plays with his dogs. Fortunately, it's free to watch online, if you don't feel like shelling out a penny for the DVD.

It's clear that Boll cares passionately about movies and admires some of the industry's greatest directors. What's not quite clear is how he learned nothing from any of them.

Visiting Uwe [via Twitch]

I will stop here before I start writing about totally overpaid agents, managers, agents, and studio executives in L.A. living in airballoons as long they can rip money out of the world outside of L.A. or the major companies. If I would run a studio I would do the same movies for half of the production costs in throwing the cokeheads out and cutting the bullshit of breakfast, lunch, and dinner meetings with idiots who never made a movie in their life. I can shoot a movie like Fantastic Four 2 in half of the time for half of the money shot by shot.

Boll breaks down the problems with the film industry and what he can do to help. (And no, it's not stop making movies. DAMMIT.)

• 20 years ago maybe three movies came out every week. Now 6 to 10.
• In earlier days you had 5 to 10 event movies per year. Now you have 40. And they destroy the medium movies. Not because they are good! Because they are so expensive and spending so much money in p&a to win their weekends and to win market share.
• In 1999 piracy maybe destroyed 5% of the revenues — now 40%. Why? Because tons of territories in Asia, Latin America, Eastern Europe are selling more pirated DVDs as legal DVDs. Illegal downloads taking 20% of theatrical and HV revenues of movies away everywhere. Legal downloads to rent or to own are not compensating anything ? people don't want to pay for downloads. A $1 billion gross in downloads means a loss of $9 billion in DVD sales.
• In TV are less and less spaces for films. Every channel is showing casting and reality shows: Superstar, Idol, Cooking, Handyman shows are invading the channels.

If you head does not hurt (and really, why not), read Boll's ways to fix-up Hollywood.

• It's proven that actors are totally overpaid. Some beach boys getting hyped up and absurd amounts paid for saying five lines per day and letting the stuntguys doing the hard work. If the studios would in general not pay more as max. $3 million for a star per movie — the stars would work for that money if nobody offers more. It's also absurd to pay medium names more as $250,000 per movie.
• Why not Pirates putting for 10 years in jail?
• Why SHOWTIME or HBO paying for independent movies $20,000 and for medium movies produced by the majors millions. TV channels must show more movies and pay also fair prices for independent product.
• Theaters must show also more trailers of smaller movies.
• TV and Radio channels must report more also about small movies.

Uwe Boll Explains Why "There Is No Money In Movies" [1up]

Uwe Boll sues Billy Zane [The Hollywood Reporter - Thanks MrPants!]

"In the future, I will focus on small films such as (the video game adaptation) 'Postal' or (the Vietnam war drama) 'Tunnel Rats,' " he said. "These are films that represent my true passion, and they can be done with small budgets."

Boll ejected from big-budget ring [The Hollywood Reporter]

"Given the limited shelf space and relatively quick turn of titles at retail nowadays, we consider GameTap to be a valuable vehicle that can help extend the video game lifecycle," said Ken Gold, vice president of Marketing, Majesco.

Majesco and GameTap Partner on New Digital Distribution Deal

Top titles now featured on leading broadband gaming network

EDISON, N.J. - Majesco Entertainment Company (NASDAQ: COOL), an innovative provider of video games and digital entertainment products for the mass market, announced today that several popular titles from its catalog, including Psychonauts, BloodRayne 1 & 2, and JAWS™ Unleashed are now available for subscription play and digital download on GameTap, the first-of-its-kind broadband entertainment network from Turner Broadcasting System, Inc. (TBS, Inc.). The new agreement includes that Majesco titles will also be made available on GameTap's recently launched ad-supported game play website.

"Given the limited shelf space and relatively quick turn of titles at retail nowadays, we consider GameTap to be a valuable vehicle that can help extend the video game lifecycle," said Ken Gold, vice president of Marketing, Majesco.

Along with the critically-acclaimed Psychonauts from Double Fine Productions that is currently available for subscription play and online purchase, BloodRayne 1 & 2 are also prominently featured as part of GameTap's 'Bloodsucker Summer,' an original content program that the 900+ game service utilizes to bring both newer and older titles from their massive library to the attention of their subscribers.

GameTap is also inviting fans to 'Hit the Beach' today by offering the best-selling JAWS™ Unleashed to their Gold Level members for the first time.

"Majesco's wide range of quality games are a great addition to our current product catalog," said Ricardo Sanchez, GameTap's vice president of content and creative director. "Psychonauts is consistently one of our top titles and we've had a great response to the recent launch of BloodRayne on our service."

Psychonauts is a unique, third-person psychic odyssey from the mind of Tim Schafer that received numerous accolades and awards, including the BAFTA (British Academy of Film and Television Arts) award for Best Screenplay.

JAWS™ Unleashed adapts the landmark film into a unique interactive experience that lets you play as one of Nature's most powerful and fearsome creatures, the Great White Shark.

BloodRayne is an original action-horror franchise starring the super-sexy, super-lethal, supernatural heroine Rayne.

The Game Sack has officially overflowed and sprung a leak on the GameTap forums. GameTap employee The RedEye let spill that four Hitman games will be coming to GameTap soon along with three Thief Games and two BloodRayne games.

He also hints that perhaps GameTapers might be getting some Legacy of Kain and Wing Commander IV in the future. Wing Commander IV! LOVE it. Brian Crecente

The GameSack is Leaking [GameTap]

BloodRayne bombed. The film, which starred Kristanna Loken and Ben Kingsley, took in a mere 3 million dollars. Everyone involved with the rotten picture wanted to put it behind them. Everyone save for "director" and chowderhead Uwe Boll. Thanks to his deal with Satan, Boll was able to secure funds for BloodRayne II: Deliverance. It's a vampire—cowboy flick, complete with outlaw Billy the Kid and Pat Garrett. Since Loken bailed (smart girl), Natassia Malthe will take her place (not so smart). But! Malthe is a glutton for punishment. She last appeared as Ayane in DOA: The Move. Anyway, a trailer for BloodRayne II has surfaced over at horror site Bloody-Disgusting.com. It straight-to-DVD and looks like crap Sergio Leone with vampires. Pretty sure the flick is out this May, but who really cares? Brian Ashcraft

Trailer Here [Bloody-Disgusting via 1Up]

Boll's film was upstaged (downstaged?) by Basic Instinct 2, Little Man, and Lady in the Water, which in all fairness were horrible, but nowhere near Boll quality horrible. Leave it to Uwe to create a movie that sucks so hard that it even sucks at sucking. Oh well, there's always Postal and Bloodrayne 2! Michael Fahey

'Instinct 2' named worst movie of the year [CNN]

Uwe Boll's craptacular vampire flick based on the cheese-arific video game Bloodrayne got some "love" from the 737 Golden Raspberry Foundation members today in the form of six Razzie nominations.

The movie was recognized in the following categories: Worst Picture, Worst Actress, Worst Supporting Actor, Worst Supporting Actress, Worst Director and Worst Screenplay. Ew!

Sadly, I don't believe that Boll's thousandth public embarrassment will stop him from going forward with his planned sequel to the Bloodrayne flick, but if it keeps him off more respectable franchises, we're better for it.

Full Razzie call out after the jump. Thanks for the heads up, Kyle! Michael McWhertor

"Little Man" and Sharon Stone's "Basic Instinct 2 " lead with seven nods each, "Bloodrayne ," "Lady In The Water ," "Wicker Man" also Worst Picture nominees.

Any honest Academy member will admit that Oscar voters are dealing with slim pickings for 2006. But at the other end of the quality scale, voters for this year's 27th Annual RAZZIE Awards had literally dozens of deserving contenders to choose from. And choose they have...and RAZZ the nominees they will, in ceremonies to be held at 7:30pm/PST on Oscar eve, Saturday, February 24 at Hollywood's Ivar Theatre.

Heading the dis-honor roll of Worst Achievements in Film this year are a lascivious murder mystery that turned out to be a laugh riot, and a comedy nearly as devoid of laughs as SCHINDLER'S LIST: Sharon Stone as a "femme fatale" The L.A. Times called "footloose and panty-free" in BASIC INSTINCT 2 and Shawn and Marlon Wayans in their brother Keenan Ivory Wayans' blatant knock-off of a 1954 Bugs Bunny cartoon, LITTLE MAN. Each racked up 7 shots at the spray-painted gold statuettes no one in Hollywood really wants to "win." Joining these films in the final circle as Worst Picture nominees are M. Night Shyamalan's brain-dead bedtime story (and box office dud) LADY IN THE WATER, Oscar winner Nicolas Cage donning an unconvincing bear suit in the laugh-out-loud funny remake of the Australian thriller WICKER MAN, and a film helmed by the man many Internet users consider the worst director alive today, Uwe Boll's BLOODRAYNE.

The Wayans brothers and Cage will be competing for Worst Actor of 2006 against last year's "winner" Rob Schneider in BENCHWARMERS, former TV funnyman Tim Allen, with a trio of terrible titles (SANTA CLAUSE 3, SHAGGY DOG and ZOOM) and Larry the Cable Guy (Dan Whitney) as Larry the Cable Guy in LARRY THE CABLE GUY: HEALTH INSPECTOR. Vying with Stone for Worst Actress will be repeat offender Jessica Simpson (nominated this year for EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH), teen-idol (and terrible role model) Lindsay Lohan in JUST MY LUCK, newcomer Kristanna Loken in BLOODRAYNE and spelling-challenged risible siblings Hilary and Haylie Duff in MATERIALS GIRLS. Other well-known names and former Oscar darlings getting dinged with Golden Raspberry nods for 2006 include Ben Kingsley, Martin Short and Danny DeVito competing as Worst Supporting Actor, and RAZZIE regulars Jenny McCarthy and Carmen Electra competing with LOST star Michelle Rodriguez, Kristin Chenoweth and Kate Bosworth (as an ultra-lame Lois Lane in SUPERMAN RETURNS) for Worst Supporting Actress. This year's newest RAZZIE category salutes the dearth of quality G and PG rated movie fare in 2006: Nominated as Worst Excuse for Family Entertainment are DECK THE HALLS, GARFIELD 2, RV, SANTA CLAUSE 3 and SHAGGY DOG. Links to the complete list of nominees are on the left column of this page.

The RAZZIES were created in 1980 by lifelong cinemaniac and cynic John Wilson, author of both THE OFFICIAL RAZZIE MOVIE GUIDE and EVERYTHING I KNOW I LEARNED AT THE MOVIES. Nominees were determined by mailing ballots to 737 Golden Raspberry Foundation members throughout 42 US states and more than a dozen foreign countries. Should they choose to accept their RAZZIES "winners" receive a gold-spray-painted, golf-ball-sized raspberry atop a mangled super 8 film reel, with an estimated street value of $4.97. For more information on the RAZZIE Awards, and their ill-lustrious history, please visit www.razzies.com.

Nominations Per Picture

Basically, It Stinks, Too, 7 Nominations
Worst Picture, Actress, Supporting Actor, Director, Sequel, Screenplay and Screen Couple

Little Man,7 Nominations
Worst Picture, Actor (2) Remake/Rip-Off, Director, Screenplay and Screen Couple

Bloodrayne, 6 Nominations
Worst Picture, Actress, Supporting Actor, Supporting Actress, Director and Screenplay

Wicker Man, 5 Nominations
Worst Picture, Actor, Screenplay, Remake and Screen Couple

Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause, 5 Nominations
Worst Excuse for Family Entertainment, Worst Actor, Supporting Actor, Sequel and Screen Couple

Lady In The Water, 4 Nominations
Worst Picture, Supporting Actor, Director and Screenplay

Deck The Halls, 3 Nominations
Worst Excuse for Family Entertainment, Supporting Actor and Supporting Actress

The Shaggy Dog, 3 Nominations
Worst Excuse for Family Entertainment, Worst Remake and Worst Actor

Chowderhead "filmmaker" Uwe Boll recently confirmed that he will inflict visual pain on the world once again by making yet another movie based on the video game BloodRayne, so expect an official announcement soon. The prequel hit theaters last year and sucked. The end. Since the box office disaster that was the previous BloodRayne film, Chowderhead has spent his time beating up overweight internet geeks to prove he isn't a crappy director, but rather a small, insecure jerk. Hey Uwe, your movies are still rotten camp, and the intertubes still hates you. Brian Ashcraft

Uwe Is A Doo-Doo and Is Making Another Bad Movie [Eurogamer]

Professional chowderhead Uwe Boll is taking the BloodRayne distributors to court for mishandling the movie's release. The director is suing Romar Entertainment for failing to release the picture on 2,000 screens last January, failing to pay the producer a share of gross receipts and not using the $10 million Boll's production company shelled out to promote the film. Romar's co-founder James Schramm is three kinds of Hollywood pissed and says his company is preparing its own lawsuit for pulling Romar's name for the DVD release.

Time out. He wants his company's name on a Uwe Boll film?!

Continuing, Schramm spewed venom all over chowderhead, saying "Hollywood doesn't need someone who's coming in from another country and demanding their way of doing things, and then in dealing with honest people like us, just taking advantage of us." No James. You are dead wrong. Humanity doesn't.

Maybe Dr. Boll is in the right. Maybe this Schramm Hollywood guy wronged him. Maybe not. My two cents: sue Uwe for making crappy movies. Brian Ashcraft

More Here [Firing Squad] Thanks, Jason!

If you were lucky enough to miss out on Uwe Boll's BloodRayne (and it was his worst movie by far, so you were lucky), you can go buy it on DVD for self-flagellation of your eyeballs. To make matters worse, there's even an unrated director's cut version.

The DVD includes both director commentary and, lord help us, a Dinner with Uwe featurette. That's right, eating and Uwe. Choice! —Brian Crecente

Bloodrayne (Unrated Director's Cut)(DVD ROM game is included) (2006) [Amazon]

Bloodrayne star Kristanna Loken has agreed to appear in Uwe "Box Office Poison" Boll's next flick, In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale. "I know that Uwe does not have a great track record, to say the least," said Loken in the understatement of the year. Boll's last film Bloodrayne barely made a measly $2.4 million when it was released. Note that the movie's production budget was $25 million and had an estimated marketing cost of $22 million. Boll told 1Up that the film was not distributed properly and thousands of theaters ultimately did not carry the film. True, maybe, but doing Uwe films back-to-back? There is a simple explanation for this: the young actress has been brainwashed by pod people.

Full Story [1Up]

And, just a brief public service announcement, a quick Google image search can net you some BloodRayne nudes for Tuesday if you'll be solo and into that sort of thing. It's better than flowers, trust me.

Videogame Sex [1UP]

He also calls Doom and Bloodrayne "learning experiences." Yeah, for the audiences.

Alice and Max Payne Movie Updates [Cathode Tan]

Blessed are the pirates, for they shall save you a lot of wasted money. And blesses is Fer, he just sent me a link to a guy who uploaded a video showing the topless sex scene from Bloodrayne. That's right $10 worth of movie stuffed into a two minute clip. And did I mention Kristanna Loken is topless. So's whatshis face, the guy she's with. Meh.

Any bets on how long this VERY NSFW video stays up on the hosting site?

Kristanna Liken Sex Scene [I Watch Stuff, thanks Fer]

The plot made no sense whatsoever, the acting was cheesy, the special effects ineffective, the casting absurd, and what the fuck was with that ending? I mean.. what the fuck?

Did I mention that this movie sucked?

From the one-and-a-half minute text crawl at the beginning to the nonsensical camera zoom at the end, this movie was two hours of pure drivel. Don't go check out the movie to see if I'm exaggerating. Instead just pay someone $5 to punch you in the neck; it'll be a more enjoyable experience.

Now that I have officially seen all three of Uwe Boll's game movies I feel like I am adequately versed in his technique to summarize his art of movie making:

1. Take a game with a following and extract from it the plot. Place plot in nearest trash receptacle.

2. Cast a bunch of nobodies, has-beens and at least one used-to-be.

3. Get everyone drunk.

4. Shoot interaction scenes.

5. Create at least one mammoth fight scene at night and then chop it up into a bunch of segments less than 2 seconds long. Insert lots of distracting special effects and lighting. Throw the whole thing into one mammoth, never-ending denouement.

6. Get the lead character to do a voice over to summarize all the shit you forgot to put into the film.

And for all of you following my Uwe Boll reviews, I still stand by my original assessments. Boll is a man in over his head who is very much trying to do something different with the video game genre, but he is also in way, way over his head.

These movies are not the work of someone just trying to make a buck off a following, they are the failed attempts at directorial creativity, the ugly side of thinking outside the box.

I still loved House of the Dead for all of the wrong reasons, and I still think Bloodrayne was firmly ensconced in mediocrity. Alone in the Dark alone, of all of Boll's movies, deserves the drubbing it took at both the hands of critics and fans alike.

To summarize:
House of the Dead: C
Alone in the Dark: Somewhere in lower intestines of F.
Bloodrayne:D

And if you really want to enjoy Bloodrayne, watch Alone in the Dark first, then you can't help but be pleasantly surprised. As a matter of fact, I suggest keeping AITD around in the house to use as a sort of move viewing palette cleanser. After a month of watching really good movies, just when you're starting to not appreciate good movies anymore, spend some time with Christian Slater.