I was just talking to a friend the other day about the gamer generation gap that's opening like some saliva-strung maw. In a culture where the elitism is as pungent as the body odor, it was bound to happen.

"Oldschool" gamers in their twenties and thirties are looking down their noses at the prepubescent upstarts who are reaping the benefits of our long slog up through the bit depths and Super this and 64 that and Mega Jesus other thing Gold. The little freeloading bastards.

We are appalled that they've only played our sequels, and sickened by their harsh judgments of our old, crunchy beloveds. What do you mean "DOOM has shitty graphics"?! Get out! Out! Oh god!

When gamers rule the retirement homes there will be no war stories, only war games. Sure we may have never served in a real war, but gal darn it we have killed a lot of Nazis. We will not break our hips by falling in the shower. We will break them by trying to do the cabbage patch after getting a triple kill. No longer will you see seniors drinking prune juice. They will be downing Red Bulls like crazy to stay awake while looting in WOW 2056.

Aeropause speculates wistfully on their golden years, and includes several adorable photographs by way of illustration (see right). One benefit that went unmentioned is the gender gap being closed by the earlier mortality rate of men. Hang on 'til 80 or so, and you'll be swimming in hot girl gamers with no teeth and looooots of XP. Eh? Eh? Yeah, you know what I'm talkin' about. Eliza Gauger

When I'm 64 [Aeropause]