Kotaku 'Shop Contest Simulator 2014: The Winners!

"It's like watching paint dry." What's that like, exactly? Thanks to our team of crack image manipulators rising to the challenge of creating the most horrible simulation game, now we know.

Workmanship always counts, but sometimes it counts a whole lot less. In the case of last week's 'Shop Contest, I was really looking for minimal effort — take an image, toss some text on to it, and bingo. No entry embraced that spirit as well as JAMS Paint Drying Simulator.

Kotaku 'Shop Contest Simulator 2014: The Winners!

JAMS won because I was overwhelmed by this piece's composition. There's so little of it. I love it.

JAMS also won because I couldn't place a giant vagina on top of the home page. That, and I am finally enforcing the 636 pixel wide rule — with so many excellent entries to go through, I really can't waste time resizing. Keep that in mind as we scroll through this week's other winners.

Kotaku 'Shop Contest Simulator 2014: The Winners!

arniejolt — sadly I cannot top the site with a giant vagina.

Kotaku 'Shop Contest Simulator 2014: The Winners!

Voltaire Crescent — hey now.

Kotaku 'Shop Contest Simulator 2014: The Winners!

Monochrome — if only they'd listen.

Kotaku 'Shop Contest Simulator 2014: The Winners!

My other car was the other woman — for persistence.

Kotaku 'Shop Contest Simulator 2014: The Winners!


Contrarianator — for making me click all over the place, trying to back the image.

Kotaku 'Shop Contest Simulator 2014: The Winners!

azureguy — because it's not working.

Kotaku 'Shop Contest Simulator 2014: The Winners!

Ravek — for the pickles.

Kotaku 'Shop Contest Simulator 2014: The Winners!

U.I. 2.0 — even though this is a real game.

Kotaku 'Shop Contest Simulator 2014: The Winners!

Greg Dwyer — because I want this for my kids, as punishment for buying things on Amazon.

Kotaku 'Shop Contest Simulator 2014: The Winners!

Mac46 — because I want to store pudding in the controller.

Kotaku 'Shop Contest Simulator 2014: The Winners!

Comabear — just the one hand?

Kotaku 'Shop Contest Simulator 2014: The Winners!

Nosek — hopefully this mention will help pay rent somehow.

Kotaku 'Shop Contest Simulator 2014: The Winners!

Liquid-X: I would have also accepted The Elder Scrolls Online review simulator.

Kotaku 'Shop Contest Simulator 2014: The Winners!

chamoo232 — even though I don't get it...just a normal human male with his family.

Kotaku 'Shop Contest Simulator 2014: The Winners!

PrivateNewbie — for as little work possible for a laugh.

Kotaku 'Shop Contest Simulator 2014: The Winners!


Kaiochi — because it's basically true.

Kotaku 'Shop Contest Simulator 2014: The Winners!

bjoern45 — for getting us all killed.

Kotaku 'Shop Contest Simulator 2014: The Winners!

GiantBoyDetective — for not insulting anyone at all!

Kotaku 'Shop Contest Simulator 2014: The Winners!


Lestricon — just to piss off Yannick.

Kotaku 'Shop Contest Simulator 2014: The Winners!

Courtdog — because I am hungry.

Kotaku 'Shop Contest Simulator 2014: The Winners!

Chigachow — because adding text totally counts.

Kotaku 'Shop Contest Simulator 2014: The Winners!

WordsWithSam: because I have no idea what's Happening. Get it?

Kotaku 'Shop Contest Simulator 2014: The Winners!

DethDonald — and then he got Her PS3.

Kotaku 'Shop Contest Simulator 2014: The Winners!

Hero of Time 231: because i like the use of empty space.

Kotaku 'Shop Contest Simulator 2014: The Winners!

YesReally199: just in case he didn't catch enough flack already.

Kotaku 'Shop Contest Simulator 2014: The Winners!

LeonardoBob: because this looks like more fun than actually opening boxes.

Kotaku 'Shop Contest Simulator 2014: The Winners!

MrDeadScott: because we really need this game.

Kotaku 'Shop Contest Simulator 2014: The Winners!

Exovedate: mainly because there were three versions with a changelog.

Kotaku 'Shop Contest Simulator 2014: The Winners!

bafarlamu11 — this seems about right.

Kotaku 'Shop Contest Simulator 2014: The Winners!

Dargor: PhotoShop Infinite.

Kotaku 'Shop Contest Simulator 2014: The Winners!

Chrury Sanson: because the blue skies really do make the sim game.

Kotaku 'Shop Contest Simulator 2014: The Winners!

greatpaperclip: because I worked phone support for six years. Still have nightmares.

Kotaku 'Shop Contest Simulator 2014: The Winners!

Seita: for appealing to my carnal nature.

Kotaku 'Shop Contest Simulator 2014: The Winners!

Eclebright: ow ow ow ow ow.

Kotaku 'Shop Contest Simulator 2014: The Winners!

chiefnoah: for being nice about it. And maybe spelling browser wrong.

Kotaku 'Shop Contest Simulator 2014: The Winners!

Tasty Whale: for reminding me about Fake Gamer of the Week. *sniff*

Kotaku 'Shop Contest Simulator 2014: The Winners!

Elyzian Fields: for finding this photo.

Kotaku 'Shop Contest Simulator 2014: The Winners!

Orionsangel: because I'd play this more than I actually wash dishes.

Kotaku 'Shop Contest Simulator 2014: The Winners!

ThePendragon: O.O

Kotaku 'Shop Contest Simulator 2014: The Winners!

Steven_Spectre: sitting in a horrible place doing nothing has never felt so real.

and of course...

Kotaku 'Shop Contest Simulator 2014: The Winners!

JAMS — for the win.