Ice Cream Sandwiches: The Snacktaku Review of Doom

I did not need to review the ice cream sandwich. Its merits are readily evident, especially to all of the people that have already left this article to go to their local grocer's freezer based on the top image alone. So this is less a review and more an exploration of the sheer power of this, the greatest of the ice cream confections, complete with irrefutable video proof.

Now when I say ice cream sandwiches, I am talking exactly what you see being assembled by the world's friendliest robot atop this post. Not ice cream on a bun. Not a Chipwich. Not Subway's $5.00 fudge ripple and tuna surprise (mmmm). I am talking vanilla ice cream between two flimsy chocolate wafers, period.

That's right, vanilla ice cream. Not chocolate, birthday cake, or Neapolitan, Those variants are delicious, but changing the mystical formula by which god crafts true ice cream sandwiches dilutes their power. It's been said that god never burdens us with more ice cream sandwiches than we can eat. That only applies to the finger-clinging originals.

Ice Cream Sandwiches: The Snacktaku Review of Doom

Otto Pizzeria in New York City makes Brioche ice cream sandwiches. New York City is full of godless deviants who are all going to hell.

The true ice cream sandwich is the Oreo of frozen treats. It's the perfect helping of cold and creamy served between the most efficient and flavorful delivery device possible. The current formula has not changed since 1945 when Jerry Newberg started selling them at Forbes Field in my home state of Pennsylvania.

That's nearly 70 years of accumulated power, more than enough to interrupt the video shoot of a professional snackologist.

See? If I even thought about giving these a negative review, we'd all be dead, our stomachs filled with broken glass. Do you wanna die? Do you wanna die? I promise you I will treat you well my sweet angel — so help me Jesus.

Ice cream sandwiches also really love the Toadies' "Possum Kingdom."

Snacktaku is Kotaku's take on the wild and wonderful world of eating things, but not eating meals. Eating meals is for those with too much time on their hands. Past critiques can be found at the Snacktaku review archive.