Step one: Watch what I do here. Step two: Avoid doing any of that.

Today’s update 3.1 for Final Fantasy XIV: Heavensward brought a slew of fresh content to Square Enix’s MMORPG, but nothing quite as exciting to me as the chance to take all of the pets I’ve collected since the game relaunched and pit them against others on the field of battle.

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Lord of Verminion (Ver-minion, get it?) is real-time strategy game in which players use summoned minions to attempt to destroy the opposing player’s crystals before losing their own.

Players have limited resources for summoning minions across three spawn points on their side of the map, with each minion having a summoning cost based on their power—loading up on the strongest characters doesn’t help.

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Once the minions start to pop it’s a mad dash to destroy the enemy’s crystals and defend your own. Can you spare a chocobo or two to take down the enemy’s shield, making their crystals temporarily weaker, or pit them against the onion knights making a beeline for your last remaining fortification.

Obviously I do not know; not yet. It’s a very fast-paced game that doesn’t lend itself well to recording video with commentary. That said, one of my Free Company mates did give us some excellent advice.

Pay Attention: Seriously, stop recording the video. There is a ton going on at all times, and you need to be on top of it.

Stock Up On Different Minion Types: The more minions in your hot bar, the better your chances of having just the right ones to take down your opponent’s army of Wind-Up Cids. There are four types of minions, three of which work in Rock-Paper-Scissors style against each other. Beasts are stronger than Poppets, Poppets stronger than Monsters, and Monsters beat Beasts. The fourth type, Mechanical, are just there doing their own thing.

Group Up Matching Minions: Four similar minions together in a unit get a special power they can use in battle—buffs, heals, powerful attacks—that sort of thing. It might seem fun to group a tonberry with a moogle, but it’s not sound strategy.

Zoom All The Way Out: It’s tempting to move the camera in up close to see what your chocobo hatchlings are doing, but that’s an easy way to lose track of what’s happening on the battlefield.

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Follow those simple rules and you’ll be shattering crystals like and old crystal-shattering monkey in no time.

Contact the author of this post , a certified imperial nuisance, at fahey@kotaku.com or find him on Twitter @bunnyspatial.