Wow, Alone in the Dark really sucked and I mean really.

The plot made no sense whatsoever, the acting was cheesy, the special effects ineffective, the casting absurd, and what the fuck was with that ending? I mean.. what the fuck?

Did I mention that this movie sucked?

From the one-and-a-half minute text crawl at the beginning to the nonsensical camera zoom at the end, this movie was two hours of pure drivel. Don't go check out the movie to see if I'm exaggerating. Instead just pay someone $5 to punch you in the neck; it'll be a more enjoyable experience.

Now that I have officially seen all three of Uwe Boll's game movies I feel like I am adequately versed in his technique to summarize his art of movie making:

1. Take a game with a following and extract from it the plot. Place plot in nearest trash receptacle.

2. Cast a bunch of nobodies, has-beens and at least one used-to-be.

3. Get everyone drunk.

4. Shoot interaction scenes.

5. Create at least one mammoth fight scene at night and then chop it up into a bunch of segments less than 2 seconds long. Insert lots of distracting special effects and lighting. Throw the whole thing into one mammoth, never-ending denouement.

6. Get the lead character to do a voice over to summarize all the shit you forgot to put into the film.

And for all of you following my Uwe Boll reviews, I still stand by my original assessments. Boll is a man in over his head who is very much trying to do something different with the video game genre, but he is also in way, way over his head.

These movies are not the work of someone just trying to make a buck off a following, they are the failed attempts at directorial creativity, the ugly side of thinking outside the box.

I still loved House of the Dead for all of the wrong reasons, and I still think Bloodrayne was firmly ensconced in mediocrity. Alone in the Dark alone, of all of Boll's movies, deserves the drubbing it took at both the hands of critics and fans alike.

To summarize:
House of the Dead: C
Alone in the Dark: Somewhere in lower intestines of F.
Bloodrayne:D

And if you really want to enjoy Bloodrayne, watch Alone in the Dark first, then you can't help but be pleasantly surprised. As a matter of fact, I suggest keeping AITD around in the house to use as a sort of move viewing palette cleanser. After a month of watching really good movies, just when you're starting to not appreciate good movies anymore, spend some time with Christian Slater.