Really touching Bash. Really.

And respect for all the Kotaku crew: that gesture is as honorable and supportive as they come (even with the misspelt family name).

Take care, man.

Sorry to hear about the loss in your family Bash. That's pretty much exactly how my great-grandmother was laid to rest here in Malaysia. Although picking through her bones after the cremation would sound quite macabre when you hear about it from someone else, it in no way feels like that... and is instead very personal. We didn't have someone breaking up the bones though. The incinerators must run hotter here...

The things that happened at the crematorium sounded really rough to me; I don't think I could just stand there and look at the bones of a loved one as if it were a perfectly normal sight. My 21 year old cat I've had since a kitten passed away three weeks ago, even now weeks later I wouldn't have the courage to do what Mrs. Bashcraft's family did.

In short, I'm glad you all were able to find the closure you needed. Momento mori.

Sorry for the loss Brian.

I just want to comment on how I appreciate your insight to Japanese culture regardless of what seems to be happening in your life.

Most people only understand how things work in their culture and can't seem to fathom how other countries work. You seem to take everything in stride and really connect with how life works in Japan. For as foreign as some of their culture seems it doesn't seem so strange when you write about it. If anything it makes me want to learn more about Japan.

Again sorry for the loss in your family and I hope some happiness shines upon you. Thanks again for the incredible writing you bring to this site.

Wow, sorry for your loss. I actually didn't know anything about the cremation process, because I've been very lucky to have no one close to me die in my lifetime. Very lucky.

I wish I were raised with Japanese ideals about death and dying. The Japanese seem to have a much better approach to death than Americans do. They do seem to handle it better, and accept it as a natural part of life's journey.

Best wishes to you and yours, Bashcraft.

A rather gruesome sounding ritual to an American here, what with all the bone cracking and whatnot. To each his own, they say, and I am glad you have taken from this experience healthy thoughts. As Kurt Vonnegut would say, so it goes.

I had to go through almost the exact same crematorium experience experience a few years ago when my wife's grandfather died. It was very weird for me, I felt completely out of place. I had met my wife's parents once before, and now suddenly I was picking up a part of her grand-dad's cranium with some chopsticks and putting it in an urn.

I agree completely with Ash, watching the guy crunch and crush bone to compact it all into an urn as an absolute sense of finality. I had only met the guy once, on his deathbed, so I don't know what exactly was final about the whole thing for me personally, it just...was.

Fascinating to watch, however, in a morbid way.

Brian, for the two hour intermission, did you and your family eat a fabulously expensive lunch? I found it very weird to be served this ridiculously fab array of foods (prepared by the crematorium staff, apparently) while we waited for a man's body to be burned down.

Peace.

That sounds like a nice procedure to me. I'm not a fan of western burial practice or the approach to dying.

For the record, I want to be thrown in the sea

sorry for your loss Bash. My art history teacher explained this ritual to me the other week, she doesn't particularly like the ritual, but she did mention the sense of closure.

Interesting to hear this in detail. I had been told by my friends here that this is the reason we never stick our chopsticks down in the middle of our food.

I'm not so sure I would have the guts to pick up someone's bones though, closure or not. But that's just me.

Very touching story, Brian. Glad you have such an elegant writing to put it down.

Here's to hoping you could head out to a nice park or something with the wife and kid afterwards, and just sit back and appreciate everything you've got.

I understand the sense of closure you felt at the end, having gone through a similar procedure twice in the last year. The first time I didn't really know what was going on as I couldn't tell what the white things on the tray were (they were already crushed to moderately sized pieces) but the second time I felt an enormous sense of closure. It is kind of a disturbing thought to see your relative's bones, but in a way you feel as though they are finally able to go in peace, especially when the urn is sealed shut.

The whold process is very similar to a contemporary chinese funeral; my grand father passed away 3 weeks ago and i went through the exactly the same process except the chopstick part as i was not senior enough in the family to do so. I guessed I would probably have felt worse as i went straight to the funeral hall after a 13 hrs flight... Be strong Bashcraft.

Sorry to hear that. Talk about intensity. I don't think I'd be able to take anything other than a body, regular western burial, or dust. Bones... never heard about that tradition before.

There is something about your writing in these notes that reminds me of Haruki Murakami. Its the beautiful yet simple style makes even things that would normally be strange to me feel familiar and emotional.

My condolences for your loss and my many thanks for your writing.

From my American perspective, I can see how this could provide a sense of closure for a grandmother, or someone else that has lived a full life.

I can't imagine experiencing that ritual when the deceased was a wife or child and still maintain my sanity and composure.

I was at a funeral recently too, my first ever...was of my ex-gfs father's...they're ethnic indian but living in the UK...we did all the flower laying in the open coffin thing, with incense sticks and stuff...weirdly enuf, i was given a brick of butter to put in there too...then it was all taken to be cremated...

Worst thing for me was I found out just b4 the actual funeral that my then gf was cheating on me...I wasn't too happy, naturally, but I kept a lid on it and pretended everythin was fine as I didn't want to create a scene at the funeral...was weird - I was takin part in the rituals as everyone reckoned i was now part of the family, but i knew deep inside that it was over and I'd probably never see any of them again...what made it doubly upsetting was the fact that they were all like real family to me, and I'd be losing them all too...I guess for me it was a funeral in more ways than one...

That was a lovely write-up, Bashcroft. I had to go though similar process as well, but we didn't do the actual bone picking. The reason for the cremation aside from the land issue is that all Buddhist are cremated after death, as the body is seen as a temporary vehicle. After this process you'll see that she'll be part of the family altar, possibly in your father in law's home. They would perform rituals and talk to her as if she's still alive. This is how they keep the memories of loved ones alive.

@zany_ninja:
Man, that's the saddest thing i've heared in a long time...

Brian, my condolences. I'm glad you found a sense of closure at the end...

Again, my condolences Brian. What a sweet thing for Kotaku to have done. Certainly, things like this really put you guys in a place beyond blogging.

I am sad for the Bashcrafts, yet I envy the death ceremony in Japan. Maybe it is Brian's description but it sounds beautiful. I like that Japanese do not fear death but embrace it like a rebirth. I hope that your family finds closure and can enjoy the memories and legacy she gave you.

that was beautiful, bash.

i, too, find myself envying the japanese way of death. us westerners nowadays are far too scared of death and dying, myself included.

Bash... If you wrote a book about your experiences in Japan, I'd definitely read it.

I'm sorry for your loss.

My condolences, Brian. Thanks again for the very helpful cultural insight you bring us with these writings, and I'm really glad that you were able to feel a sense of closure. When my grampa died a couple years ago there was never a ritual of any sort; his university department put on a half-assed memorial service but my mother and uncles decided not to bother with a funeral or anything like that for the close family. He was cremated as well, but it's to my great regret that I was never given a chance to say goodbye properly, and that I never managed to visit him during the last few years of his life. Believe it or not it warms my heart to hear of your experience here, because it really seems like you honored her passing well, both for your grandmother as well as for yourself and your family.

this is pretty fascinating to me. i was a funeral service professional here in the US for a few years and so i know about the cremation process here, but its really interesting to hear about it there. here its much more closed off, no one but other professionals around. i kind of like the idea of the grieving family being more involved. i suppose it could be seen as more brutal somehow, the finality of it. but it seems to beat the sterility and impersonal-ness we currently have here. hope any of that made sense.

BTW not to get too graphic, but what is left after cremation isn't so much bone or ash, its mostly calcium, thats why its so brittle.

and Ashcraft, that was a fine piece of writing, and should be given accolade.

@Atheist Jew:
Lunch was a pricey spread with tons of alcohol. For a short while, I think everyone forgot why we were there.

Hmm, that was very insightful. I know this is a gaming site and all, but I think part of the reason I stayed is for articles like this. Thank you for sharing what the funeral service process is like in Japan.

That was a beautiful article, I echo the other posters before me by saying that it is insightful and interesting. Thank you for sharing something deeply personal and I hope you and your family remain in good health.

Thanks for the article. I'll likely be going through this very shortly. My mother-in-law is in the final throws of 5 years of cancer. I've been very fortunate in that I haven't had to attend a funeral in my 9 years here in Japan so your description has been helpful in letting me know what lies ahead.

Stay cool and keep warm.
Yard

Sorry for your loss, I'm glad that you've found closure. I also find the flowers to be a very nice gesture. Great piece also.

sounds like a beautiful way to go, besides the bone breaking part, that would be really tough, my mom said that when she had to cremate her mother that as an indian custom, her and her sisters had to wash my grandmother's corpse, she cried really hard then, and when my grandmother was going through the cremation process, i'm glad you got closure, and its tough to have to go through something like that, especially publically on this blog, the flower part though, thats how i wanna go, then i want a tree planted on top of me

My condolences to your family.

I want to second what many others have written - I really think your writing style is terrific.
It shows complete openness to a different culture, no comparisons, no judgment. And that across the spectrum - from rude businessmen on trains to the most personal family events. Keep it up and maybe one day you can combine the entries as a diary.

i've said it a million times before and i'll say it again: your eloquence with words always captivates me to the point where i feel like i am there with you. my stomach turned while reading this entry. i can't even begin to imagine how horrible this has been for you all. again, my condolences.

I seriously doubt I could have handled the part at the very end. My fiancee is Japanese though, so I guess I might very well have a similar encounter someday.

You're braver than I am to handle that Bash.

Very sorry to hear about your loss Brian. Glad you were able to make through it all okay.

I do have to say though that the bone thing is one of the most disturbing things I've ever head of in my life. I would never be able to do something like that...

We are all just part of some giant grand "machine".
Too big to really understand. Just part of someone's elaborate plan. Chess pieces in some grandiose scheme. But we'll do our jobs till we break down and fall.