As much as I make fun of Naruto-mania, I still contend that some of the best fighting games of this decade have sprung forth from the series, particularly the import-only Naruto: Gekitou Ninja Taisen 4 for the GameCube, so when my bleary, glasses-craving eyes (my glasses were lost in a taxi Wednesday night) saw the versus mode of Naruto: Rise of the Ninja for the 360 running on a large flat panel in the main exhibit hall at E3, I had to stop and give it a try. Manning the controls was a pretty blonde PR woman, or at least I know she was pretty now having seen the picture I took. I like to save the eyestrain headache for when I am looking at actual games. She invited me to play a few rounds, and I did so, expecting to wow her with my mad Naruto skills. I beat her one out of three rounds the first match, and only then because she stopped to give me some pointers while I kept attacking. Two more matches went by, two more losses for me. Either she was a big Naruto fan or - I let my eyes focus on what she was wearing...

Pink on black. Ubisoft booth. I just got my ass handed to me by a Frag Doll.

Valkyrie, to be exact, who then continued to beat me two more times before I gave in, despite the fact that she continuously stopped fighting to give me pointers and completely failed to get off Kakashi's special move, which involves a rapid button-pressing fight. During my Track and Field days I learned how to tense my muscles so my hand vibrates, allowing for superhumanly fast presses. I demonstrated this to her by holding up my hand and making my fingers vibrate before realizing how many different ways that could be taken wrong and possibly get me kicked out of the convention hall. Not to mention I am much taller than she is. Hasn't anyone heard of height advantage? I am sure it applies to this situation somehow.

I left the hall slightly humiliated, but vowed revenge. The next day I returned and triumphantly had my ass handed to me two more times before victoriously conceding that I suck. One day I shall beat a Frag Doll at something other than facial hair growing and writing my name in the snow, and I will make them give me a t-shirt that I will wear proudly wherever men are repressed...a living symbol of hope for mankind.

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