Before the end of this month, at the behest of a print magazine, I will enter a Dance Dance Revolution tournament. With your help, I might even win. (But I seriously doubt it.)

Now I'm not exactly a stranger to DDR; I've got a metal home pad for the PS2. What I am not is an expert. The ways of the hoppity dance are a cold territory unvisited by my white, hot flailing.

Secreted in our ranks are a few dance veterans willing to offer me guidance, surely.

I'm already planning on purchasing the latest PS2 version of DDR—the blue one—and have begun a legitimate physical regimen designed to counteract last month's swirling return to cigarettes and breading. What I need now are the following:

• A progression—a series of benchmarks determined by others more familiar with the world of competitive DDR. (That's you!)

• A plan—how to reach those goals.

• A persona—a garish identity in which I may cloak my ineptitude. (Seen here: Take 1, 'The Jazz Handler.')

• A place—I need to find a tourney in the New York Cityish area before June 30th.

Help me, Kotaku! Make this gooey hulk a Bemani monster! Joel Johnson

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