Deadspin columnist Drew Magary claims he wouldn’t have sex with a vampire. While he articulates his argument with convincing confidence, he is also completely full of shit.
Magary’s claims are as follows:
- Vampires are too dangerous to bone
- Vampires are lame, actually
- If they bit you during sex, being a vampire would suck
- You would stop being horny if you saw an actual human shaped apex predator
This is all nonsense. If my intimate knowledge of Buffy the Vampire Slayer has taught me anything, it’s that vampires exist right in the sweet spot between “could do a murder” and “actually care too much about their angsty feelings to do a murder.” They are less predators than eternal 22 year olds. Now, you might not wanna have sex with a 22 year old either, but you’re also definitely not afraid of a 22 year old. If you have had sex with a guy who has a punk band and runs a DIY venue, you have basically already had sex with a vampire. That guy may have been hot and fun to bone, but he was not intimidating. If you can handle a twentysomething going through their first existential dilemma, you can handle most vampires.
Also, vampires are stupidly easy to ward off. Xander kills vampires in Buffy, and Xander is possibly the most gormless character in the history of television. Think about how many vampires have been killed by morons. Any idiot can kill a vampire. Vampires have to be invited inside for fuck’s sake, they can’t even enter your home unless you want them to! Bone on your fire escape and then climb in the window. Garlic? Everyone in the world has garlic in their homes. I am a stone’s throw away from garlic at all times. I am currently eating garlic! And crosses don’t seem that hard to come by, either. You just go to the church store, right? Could you just tape together two wooden soup spoons or something? You probably could.
There’s one thing Magary and I agree on: no one wants to actually be a vampire. You know what’s unchill? Watching all your friends die as you suffer the twilight of unending youth. But fucking a vampire does not mean you have to become a vampire. In fact, fucking a vampire is the perfect vampire-adjacent scenario. You get the adrenaline rush of the whole “creature of the night” thing while also retaining your soul and your mortality. You get to hear about all those interesting ancient feuds and sire-related shenanigans, but that’s as far as your involvement goes. It’s the difference between the Weeknd’s girlfriend and the Weeknd’s side chick: when the drama starts, you can just leave. Many of the most famous vampire/human relationships involve some level of commitment. That’s a major miscalculation, but not one upon which we must base our understanding of all vampiric relationships. Vampire sex is strictly a hit it and quit it kind of deal.
In the right conditions, a vampire would be a a great lay. As long as he isn’t named Spike.