The Chipotle burrito — a massive, suppository-shaped bundle of vaguely Mexican things, weighing approximately five tons. Most people could not eat a single one in three minutes. Competitive eater Matt Stonie makes it look easy.

Inside of Matt Stonie, the 22-year-old competitive eater from San Jose, California, there is a black hole which admits food but allows none to escape. That's the only possible explanation for his performance. My stomach hurts watching it, though I am kinda craving Moe's now.