​A Cheat Sheet For Everything Wrong with Watch Dogs

Watch Dogs has some things going for it. It can look pretty. It handles aiming and shooting pretty well. But the story in Ubisoft's open-world action game is not one of its strengths. Now we've got a hilarious movie script breakdown points out all the ludicrous stuff in Watch Dogs. Spoilers Ahead.

​A Cheat Sheet For Everything Wrong with Watch Dogs

Over at Playthroughline—a blog that looks at how story gets told in video games—a very thorough dismantling of Aiden Pearce's first outing picks apart everything from the character's motivations to the inconsistencies of the abilities he's able to wield.

DAMIEN BRENKS

Oh fie, my hack is being hacked by another hacker! They'll surely be coming after us now and our families might be caught in the crossfire!

AIDEN'S NIECE is KILLED in a CAR CRASH, which is ILLUSTRATED using that most SUBTLE OF IMAGERY: A FALLING STUFFED ANIMAL. IT'S A LAMB. A SACRIFICIAL LAMB. COME THE FUCK ON.

AIDEN PEARCE

Great, now anyone with a niece will be sympathetic to me. I will avenge Lena's death and become — the Vigilante! Seriously, that's what I'm going to call myself.

JORDI CHIN

Why can't you just trace the caller who gave him the assignment? You have the call on your phone.

AIDEN PEARCE

I can't right now. The ability to trace phone calls seems to be entirely dependent on what the plot allows for without any regard for consistency. So just get Maurice out of here.

AIDEN PEARCE

Okay, what do they need me to hack?

JORDI CHIN

No, they actually need a driver for a job and I told them you're the best.

AIDEN PEARCE

Ah yes, in addition to being a talented hacker, a gifted social engineer, a firearms expert, a parkour practitioner and a brutally efficient hand-to-hand combatant, I'm indeed quite good behind the wheel. Although that's mostly because all the cars have a very forgiving damage model and handle like wheelchairs on ice. Also because most of the city seems to be built out of papier-mâché.

This is a long script so you might need a good chunk of time to read it all. But, if you've played Watch Dogs and found its story laughable, this will be worth your time.