Ever wonder what @Mario is up to on Twitter? How about @Sonic? Or maybe @Wario, @MarcusFenix or @MasterChief?
You can visit those accounts if you like, but be warned: They're all pretty awful.
You might think that someone lucky enough to have snagged @Link or @PrincessPeach would be goofing it up with all sorts of in-character tweets. Unfortunately, most of the very best video game character Twitter handles are either empty, protected, or entirely out-of-date, with the exception of the odd random person who doesn't seem all that aware that they're sitting on Twitter gold.
Let's take a look:
Takeaway: This one is just the saddest. A vague attempt at a parody account from 2009 that fell flat after just two tweets… one of which was about being constipated. Mario deserves better.
Bio: I'm tired of living in my brother's shadow.
Takeaway: A more considered effort at a parody account that's been tweeting up until early this year. Probably the best of all of these. Good show, Luigi Mario!
Mario wants to hold a production of West Side Story. I haven't told him yet that the Sharks aren't really sharks.— Luigi Mario (@luigimario) October 4, 2011
Name: Zelda Ophelia
Takeaway: Another private account. Possibly just a person named Zelda.
Bio: Enfant terrible
Takeaway: Appears to have been started as a parody account before quickly running out of gas.
Psycho Mantis was such a friggin' EMO guy...— Solid Snake (@SolidSnake) October 23, 2007
Takeaway: Samus was always pretty taciturn, but this is likely a camper.
Name: Derek Stout
Bio: Shut-in, violin failure, depressed, sullen, ANGRY.
Takeaway: I don't even. Clearly a real person, but also one who is very into being GANONDORF. He even yelled at @Zelda about it! Maybe that's why she set her account to private.
GANONDORF— Derek Stout (@ganondorf) November 6, 2012
Bio: personal art diary of a lonely young artist nobody will hear about
Takeaway: It's another protected account, but appears to be owned by a real person. I understand the desire to just make work for yourself, but if you want people to hear about your art, maybe open up your account! You do have one of the best Twitter handles ever, after all…
Takeaway: Likely camper. The Twitter kind, not the Halo kind.
Takeaway: Random human who hasn't tweeted since 2007. Man, Cloud deserves better.
i c u— Matti (@CloudStrife) June 14, 2007
Bio: Internet Troll [Link To RickRoll]
Takeaway: God only knows. I guess if Boswer did have a twitter account, he'd be a total asshole about it.
Bio: GTA IV... all the time (is there anything else?)
Takeaway: A game news aggregation account that's been dormant since 2009. Not many mentions of bowling.
GameStop earnings rise, but forecast disappoints - MarketWatch http://tinyurl.com/pkv84w— NikoBellic (@NikoBellic) May 21, 2009
Name: Alejandro Quintana
Takeaway: Zero tweets for Metroid, and Shadow the Hedgehog as an avatar. This is a real waste.
Bio: i am NOT the fast food chain, the hedgehog, or any other corporate entity. feel free to offer me money.
Takeaway: Just an ordinary person who reviews lots of books and liked Rolling Nowhere by Ted Conover more than Vulcan's Hammer by Phillip K. Dick.
Subject: Could This Goldfish Help You Get Laid?— sonic (@sonic) November 27, 2012
Bio: mother.lover,realist,sometimes writer....
Takeaway: Not a parody account, just an everyday mom who tweets about once a month. Actually, go ahead and do your thing, Princess Peach, I'm not gonna say you shouldn't get to have an awesome Twitter account.
Name: Daniel Keller
Takeaway: Yet another depressingly blocked account. Possibly a squatter; that or Wario's just really quiet.
Takeaway: Apparently just a normal person who doesn't tweet much but enjoys Uncharted 2.
Tweets: 2, but they're AMAZING
Takeaway: I don't know what the story is with this account, but his two tweets are probably the best two Marcus Fenix tweets possible.