This morning I reported on the closing on Hostess Brands Inc., the company that's been keeping America in Twinkies, Ho-Hos and Ding Dongs for 82 years. I suggested readers rush to the store and buy all of the Hostess snacks they could before they disappeared. If you didn't heed that advice, it may already be too late.
After reading reports on the internet from folks having difficulty finding Hostess products in stores today, I set off on a mission to procure a box of Twinkies to preserve in my freezer should the sale of Hostess' brands take longer than the product's shelf life (roughly half a century). After stopping at three Walmarts, two Targets, three Kroger shopping centers, a Publix and various gas station convenience stores, I came up empty.
In fact, aside from the 100 calorie varieties and, at two Walmart locations, those crappy strawberry cupcakes, there were no iconic snacks to be found. So how did I wind up with a box of Ding Dongs? I rummaged through the return carts at the front of the final Walmart and struck gold.
Here are some tips for finding the remaining Hostess cakes in this bleak post-snackopalyptic landscape.
• Rummage through the return carts in front of Walmart, obviously.
• Drive out into the middle of nowhere and pray for a mom-and-pop store that doesn't only stock Little Debbies.
• Buy them online from Amazon.com, where a box of 20 will run you anywhere from $60 to $1,000,000. Holy shit.
• Try eBay? No wait, screw that.
• Make your own Twinkies! They'll taste and look just like the real thing if you close your eyes and hold your nose.
• Huddle in a corner and cry, imagining a world where sharing Seanbaby's greatest work requires a history lesson.
It's a dark day in the history of snacking, ladies and gentlemen. I'm going to grab my wife, my kids, my rifle and my Ding Dongs and head for the underground bunker.
I leave you with this:
Good night, and good luck.