I've Been Collecting the Wrong G.I.Joe Figures

It's the Fourth of July, the day we here in the United States celebrate our freedom, and who fights for freedom whenever there's trouble? Sideshow Collectibles' Sixth Scale San Diego Comic-Con exclusive Lt. Falcon figure is ready to punch Zartan right in his big stupid faces.

For the past few years I've been collecting Hasbro's 3.5 inch G.I. Joe action figures, seeking to recapture a childhood filled with plastic planes, plastic guns, and cartoon wars in which a guy can get a snake through his heart and merely fall into a short coma. Getting one of those tiny five-dollar articulated men and women was the highlight of many a day for your Mike Fahey, and now that I am an adult I can buy as many as I want so nah.

With the G.I. Joe films and new cartoons, Hasbro has been ramping up the output, regularly releasing 3.5 figures of characters new and old, and I've been greedily devouring them, not knowing that just around the corner Sideshow Collectibles was making G.I. Joes for grown-ups.

I've Been Collecting the Wrong G.I.Joe Figures

Look at that soulful face. That is not a toy for children. Children have no souls. They have to earn them.

(Most) Adults have souls, however, so we're free to spend from $99 to upwards of $500 on Sideshow's Sixth Scale line, amazingly-detailed figures that count as one-sixth of an actual human being. They've got Star Wars (more on the later). They've got Marvel Comics. They've got Hot Toys Christopher Reeve Superman.

And yes, they've got G.I. Joe.

I've Been Collecting the Wrong G.I.Joe Figures

Soulful G.I. Joe.

The San Diego Comic-Con exclusive Lt. Falcon you see here is the sort of toy that makes a man build his own light box out of a cardboard box, poster board and tissue paper, just to take pictures of it in action. It's the kind of figure that makes cats jump on top of said light box, not realizing the top is tissue paper, and ruining everything forever. It's the type of toy that makes me want to be a better photographer.

For those of you unfamiliar with the franchise, Lt. Falcon, AKA Vinnie Falcone, is a second-generation Green Beret. According to cartoon continuity he is the half-brother of General Hawk Duke, as well as a womanizer, a wise-ass and the boyfriend of the female ninja Jinx. Go team!

Sideshow's version of the character, which goes on sale tomorrow as part of the company's Online Comic-Con 2012 celebration, is so intense he requires two different heads to show off that intensity.

Such intensity also requires plenty of accessories.

I've Been Collecting the Wrong G.I.Joe Figures

Falcon's camo pajamas are covered with little slots to slip on these accessories. There are pouches to place additional pouches in case you like pouches in your pouches. There's a full backpack with working miniature zippers and clasps. He's got a holster for his pistol, a place on his shoulder strap to slip a grenade. He's even got a pair of pouches that hold teeny-tiny shotgun shells.

I've Been Collecting the Wrong G.I.Joe Figures

I stared at the shell pouch for minutes, fascinated by the attention to detail. I had no idea such things existed. Perhaps I would have been better off not knowing. Oh well, at least I've got my Christmas and birthday gift wish list filled out for the next several years.

Sideshow, aware of the importance of the core conflict in the G.I. Joe saga, also sent along a Cobra enemy for Falcon to play with. The $159.99 Zartan was an excellent choice. If you can only send one Cobra guy, why not send the one that can be every Cobra guy?

I've Been Collecting the Wrong G.I.Joe Figures

I prefer Zartan to Falcon, personally, but I've always been a villain kind of guy, especially when the villain comes with segmented body armor, a cloth hood, and a compound bow with indivdual arrows that fit in two of the hands that ship with the piece. He's also got a sniper rifle, a change of boots, a scupted face mask and an additional smirking head that could be Duke Nukem but is likely just Duke.

I've Been Collecting the Wrong G.I.Joe Figures

Both figures are built from Sideshow's Prometheus (no relation) bodies, specially designed to fill out clothing in a human way while providing an unsurpassed range of natural motion. This is cutting-edge toy tech right here.

And if neither of these male soldiers float your boat, check out what Sideshow is teasing on their Facebook page. Oh yes.

Lt. Falcon goes on sale tomorrow on the Sideshow Collectibles website. Zartan and many others are available right now.

We'll be checking in with Sideshow at the San Diego Comic-Con next weekend. Stay tuned!