I Despise You, Xbox 360 Eject Button

Today I had to move my Xbox 360 console out of the way while I fooled with cables going through the back of my entertainment center. This happens frequently because of how I have to do video capture. As I grabbed the 360 and shifted it, I guess my thumb got within 5 millimeters of that stupid asshole eject button at the top of the machine, if it's standing upright like a tower. The slot came open, the console's Husqvarna fan cranked up, the disc dropped out, I banged my head into the cabinet and I was cursing the heritage of everyone in Redmond, Wash.


I hate that goddamn eject button.

To be clear, I have the Xbox 360 S—the slim design unveiled nearly two years ago at E3 2010. I have no idea who designed the capacitive eject button on this thing but it is more hypersensitive than the mother of the bride at a shotgun wedding. In airports and public restrooms I wave my hand at so-called motion detecting towel dispensers and faucets and soap dispensers like I'm trying to get Stevie Wonder's attention from across a crowded room, and nothing ever happens. But the most minute graze of that stupid tiny-ass dot on the 360 tray powers up the whole thing, threatening the disc inside or the game I am playing.

Why is this a concern? Well, come on. Have you played Skyrim on the Xbox 360? I have a $200 pair of headphones and yet through every cinematic I can hear that goddamn fan buzzing, sounding like it's slashing through the rainforest like a Peruvian coca farmer. The entire unit is rattling off the crappy particle-board wood of my shitty IKEA console. So I do what I do when the refrigerator starts groaning. I move the thing so it rattles less. And then all hell breaks loose.

What idiot designed this tripwire eject button? My God I can't imagine anything so stupidly concieved. Eject is a precipitous act. Eject combined with power-on is even worse. On the old 360, the eject button was an actual button directly left of the tray, or up if the console was standing in tower formation. There was no way to trigger it by accident if you were touching the console for some other reason.

And yes, there is reason to touch your console while it is powered on; as I said earlier the noise issue is one reason. Then there's also the other joy of the Xbox 360 Slim's case design—the stupid-ass USB trapdoor. Now, USB's big bitch is the fact that, because of the wafer in the plug, you never know which is the proper way to insert the plug. I've never done it right the first time. Never. But Microsoft decided to put the USB ports behind that stupid trap door, (carried over from the earlier design) assuring me that I have to use two hands and a fucking flashlight in my mouth to plug in the thumb drive or the joystick charger.

Yeah, yeah, this is a first-world problem. That's why it's in Anger Management. This is where we get to freely piss and moan about everything that bothers us. I'm not going to intellectualize a pet peeve. But the needlessness of that insipid futuristic your-lightest-touch-commands-obedience eject button makes me want to take a baseball bat to a toilet like Joaquin Andujar.

Whatever you're doing with Durango, Microsoft, don't ever do this again.

Hey folks, Something Negative is a rant. Love it or hate it, we all need to blow off steam on Fridays. Let yours out in the comments.